When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
i went to the doctor's woth my parents, and found out i have tapeworms in my stomach. the doctor showed us some pictures of tapeworms. and both my parents fainted.

i guess ive got a stomach for it

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeeturking
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
My stomach is acting up

I have a bad case of dire rear

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SubfurSir
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
What do spiders take when they get stomach aches?

Webto-Bismol

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mqge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
My mum said " A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

Good lady; awful surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
My stomach is FLAT.

The L is just silent.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
Just found out I have a cold and the stomach flu.

I’ve got the Friday Night Blights

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phransisco
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have 4 stomachs to digest the grasses they consume...

It's graze anatomy.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently made a fluffy, delicious European breakfast entree, but when I finished eating it I had a stomach ache.

It was a Belchin Waffle

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawall12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every single day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I had some Greek food that upset my stomach.

Now I falafel.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dameski
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the bodybuilder pour wine on his stomach rather than drink it?

He was trying to abstain from alcohol

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Just ate this, now i get butterflies in my stomach (is it how you use it idk im bad at English)
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EqualZero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A man was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is stable now.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a yeti tattoo on your stomach?

Abdominal snowman

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheeseliberator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A man went into a doctors office to ask about his sore stomach

The doctor said β€œquit your belly aching”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeHamster69
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

β€œYou know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks. β€œSure, it will,” he says. β€œIt’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/December_Soul
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Stomach's upset from drinking too much water...

It was a pour choice.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pugshugsbugs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
This one felt like a punch in the stomach.
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eric8he
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you feel when your stomach hurts?

Pepto Abismol

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OneAndZer0s
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
🚨︎ report
An overweight police officer looks down at his stomach and says

"You are under a vest."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ouyin2000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is stable now.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
If I don't dye your stomach area...

You could say that I am abstaining from ab staining...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GalaHunterX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman tried to tie a watch around her stomach...

It was a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aftermath16
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife and son had the stomach virus just the day before his first birthday party

I told them "you better not be party poopers tomorrow"!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpknives
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
🚨︎ report
I named my stomach Budapest

Because its the capitol of Hungary

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stlnthngs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Earlier today a men was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses in his stomach

His condition is now stable

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__Odelay__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the police officer say to his stomach?

You’re under a vest.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ObverseNebula
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Doctor doctor, my stomach keeps making funny noises. It keeps going β€œHOOT-HOOT”

Sounds like a wise old bowel.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
This morning I burnt my toast but I was in a rush so I ate it anyway. It upset my stomach...

I must be black-toast intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr627990
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What does a bug do when it has stomach problems?

It takes ant-acids

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Breaking News - Man born without stomach...

...wins Nobelly Prize

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do you get a stomach ache if you swallow toothpaste?

It isnt mint to be swallowed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
my dad has been having some stomach problems lately. while talking to my dad on the phone, I asked him "how is your stomach doing?"

he responded a bit sluggishly "eh, It's not doing too well."

me: "uh oh, why not?"

him: "I don't know man, everything I eat turns to shit."

:I

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbagtrett
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
🚨︎ report
What kind of doctor specializes in stomach bugs?

A Gastroentomologist!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewd-roth-sama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What do Cubans call the stomach flu?

Castroenteritis

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Me: I'm so nervous I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach...

Dad: Have you've been eating caterpillars? Me: omg ...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KittieCat4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
A friend saw my stomach one day, and told me I had a very hairy midsection

I told him if that's what he thought, he should really take a look at the intersection

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catatonicpotato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pregnant woman with a window in her stomach?

A womb with a view

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sc0e_
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the mouth say to the stomach after his joke wasn't well received?

It was all ingest.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I don't like when people punch me in the stomach while I'm playing guitar...

because it always hurts me (in my) mid riff.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twin802
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Why are people with missing stomachs always scared?

Because they have no guts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Going to the restroom while your stomach hurts can be a...

real shitty experience

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KaboomBaby4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
🚨︎ report
"Okay, I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach,"

To which my dad replied, "Well yeah, you've got four or 'em!"

I wear glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ceannairceach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad: "My stomach is a little upset"

Me: "You should tell it a joke, that'll make it feel better."

Dad: Exhales out nose

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zmose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I was walking with the wife when my stomach rumbled loudly...

... we were just passing a middle eastern resteraunt when she says "Felafel?"

"No I feel fine, just a bit hungry."

audible moan

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mead_Drinker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report
I had a stomach ache

Me: Do you have any antacids? Dad: No, but I have some uncle-acids!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blewis222
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2014
🚨︎ report
My FIL said he has stomach cramps.

He told everyone he thinks he might be on his comma. All his daughters look at him in confusion. I'm dying laughing until he drops, "because I don't have a period."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad joked me right in the stomach today.

Dad "What's the difference between a teacher and a train when it comes to gum?"

I thought long and hard and couldn't figure it out. "I don't know."

Dad "A teacher won't let you chew any gum, but a train says "Choo Choo!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seabasschicken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2014
🚨︎ report
"Dad, my stomach hurts."

"Dad, my stomach hurts."

"Does your face hurt?"

"No, why?"

"Because it's killin' me"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doctorfunknasty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
🚨︎ report
I cant count how many times i heard this one growing up, it would start by me complaining "my stomach hurts..."

To which the reply would be "oh yeah, how does your face feel.. CUZ ITS KILLING ME!" har har har.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackal_Files
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Eyes are bigger than your stomach?

Probably shouldn't have eaten your eyes then.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xbtdev
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach...

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach

β€œHaΒ­Β­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

β€œSure, it does,” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinzaArshad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach

His condition is now stable.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guilleloco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
🚨︎ report

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