I’m not the mouth, the stomach, the small or large intestines


πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
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My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed.

(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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Did you know that the first ever balloons were made out of animal intestines and organs?

That means the first balloons weren't balloon animals, but ballooned animals.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
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What happens in the intestines stays in the intestines.

Oh I forgot. Crap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/sir-adrian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
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Finely chopped meat mixed with gelatine, blood, grits, or bread, then stuffed into animal intestines or skin, sounds pretty bad wherever you are.

But in Germany, it's the wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeverBob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
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I want to tell you a joke about small intestine

But villi?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoopPower333
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Me: One of our neighbors had a part of his large intestine removed. Her: Oh my God! Is he in a coma?

Me: No, but he ended up with a semi colon.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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Just got back from the doctor, I have inflamed intestines.

Otherwise known as, swollen colon.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshthebear93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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How do you know when a large intestine is telling a dad joke to the small intestine?

He’s saying it ingest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2018
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My GF got intestine infection..

GF: "You forgot I am ill."

Me: "Oh I thought your stomach pain is gone, or else you would have mentioned it."

GF: "Yeah so I thought, but I went to see the doctor anyway."

Me: "What did the he say?"

GF: "He said I have intestine infection."

Me: "Ohhh so your gut feeling is all messed up now, isn't it?"..

After a moment of silence, she burst out laughing. And said goodnight with a kiss.

I am going to marry this one.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ‘€︎ u/grrrwoofwoof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2014
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How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?

A buck an ear.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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I offered my buddy some laxatives for his intestinal issues last night...

...he took a hard pass.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maace94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
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New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23.
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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How do you clean the ocean?

You use Tide

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExcelOceans
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Everything’s great in your digestive system

Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ‘€︎ u/thechosenone6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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My doctor is the master of dad jokes

I wasn't feeling well and I suspected some intestinal blockage to be the culprit. Naturally, I made an appointment with my doctor. I'm in the treatment room waiting when he comes in.

Doc: Not feeling well huh? What do you think it is?

Me: I'm not sure but I've had weird bowel movements I think it's blockage

Doc: I don't believe you

Me: wut

Doc: you're lying to me

Me: no seriously doc I'm blocked up here

Doc: I know, you're full of shit

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
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