After three weeks of my no-carb diet, I had to see my doctor for digestion pains...

...he told me I was lack toast intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCPanda6969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
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Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have 4 stomachs to digest the grasses they consume...

It's graze anatomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Have you heard about the new crackers you can see but can’t taste or digest?

Yeah... they’re called HoloGrahams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Food contamination warning!

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prawncracker92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
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Sorry if this breaks the rules but, please cheer up my dad! He's a punctuation expert who is recovering from surgery. He just had half of his lower digestive system removed. It would really cheer him up if you could comment with his favorite punctuation mark:

;

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edhere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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I don't like corn puns, there a little HARD TO DIGEST
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gigamore412
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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The Semi colon is an important part of what?

The Semi-truck’s digestive system

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ra1ds4ad0w
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
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Food doesn't get digested

It gets organized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/23baseball3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Everything’s great in your digestive system

Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thechosenone6969
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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Readers digest things differently of course
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
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My friend told me a story of how his little brother ate pages of a magazine and I asked if it was Readers Digest.

I’m too proud of myself to not tell anyone. I honestly think it was like one of those jokes that you come up with after the opportunity has passed, accept this time I thought of it quick enough. I hope this doesn’t appear as self-aggrandizement, I just think it was a good pun.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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What did the digested food say to the person?

"Are you shitting me?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/da_one1morelight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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Did you guys hear about that monkey with severe digestive issues?

The shit was bananas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breauxdle
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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I tried the world's most expensive coffee, Kopi Luwak, made with part-digested coffee cherries eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet

Now every other type of coffee is un-civet-lysed

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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I just read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyetalianman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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The digestive system didn’t want to run into his ex wife at his sons wedding...

He couldn’t stomach her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flaccid_Emu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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A couple of puns I made up for my dad

Me: Why is Eurovision going to look so good on TV this year?

Dad: Why?

Me: Because it’s 2020


Me: Plumbing is like the digestive system of a house, and turning on the taps is like it going pee.

Dad: Okay?

Me: Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Am-the-Cold
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
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Probiotics are a critical part of your diet

The health of your digestive system is too important to leave up to amateur biotics

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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I heard that there’s an Australian tea harvested from the tops of Eucalyptus trees

It’s pretty high koala tea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Kings and queens must have very bad digestive problems.

They spend years on the throne!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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That's mys-tit-fying though

I once met a girl who said her boobs smelt like plastic. I just couldn't digest it

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Did you know that forks in an exam have their own digestive systems?

They've got their own in-test tines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MusicalTerrorist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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After a test on the Digestive tract.... imgur.com/nNFIrvM
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdawgChaydawg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.

That’s a lot to digest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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While on international business travel, I had Ihop in Iran.

Should've waited to digest before the exercise, the cramps were a bitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rpark888
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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I dont like jokes about food

I find they are very hard to digest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Opah_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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What does eating HIV tainted food do, you ask?

AIDS digestion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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My crowning glory

Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/President_Calhoun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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What is the most popular gardening magazine in the world?

Weeder’s Digest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sebakira
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Soap is not real food

Even if one digests it, one will have sham poo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JAiFauxThe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Wife groaned hard over this one

Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed.

Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork?

The groan was deafening. I regret nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiro24
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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Nobody goes to the library anymore unless it's after lunch

and that's only to see the readers digest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chemispe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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Dad-joked by a toilet

For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.

Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.

Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.

The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/txgsync
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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Cooking 'Cage Free Eggs.'

It's a good thing these eggs are cage free, i have a lot of trouble digesting cages.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RotmgCamel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2016
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Had this one in class today.

The professor was discussing a new section in math class today and told us we have to digest all the new information. I told her I couldn't because I am math intolerance. Groans where heard for miles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshthejew420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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Dad is full of hot air

I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas.

Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. "you know her real secret right? She only cooks 239 beans at a time"

We all look at him puzzled, grandma included.

"Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty!" (240)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-MOPPET-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2015
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Accidentally dad joked my doctor...

When talking about some upper digestive tract issues I have had he told me that he may want me to get a Esophagogastroduodenoscopy. My eyes went wide and I whistled before saying "That sure is a mouthful".

He sort of snorted and said "You could say that" and it took me a moment before I realized what I had said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Welpe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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My buddy just got me.

Saw an edition of reader's digest.

Me: Hm. How you can outsmart diabetes.

Buddy: ... it's learning!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rentedcargo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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I just needed money for dinner...

Dad: Your mother and I will be out for the night for our Tango lessons.

Me: Oh yea, ok can I have some money for Dinner?

Dad: Oh my I don't think you would be able to digest the metal and all that paper and plastic.

Me: ...What?

Dad: You asked If you could have money for dinner, I thought that to be a bit odd.

Me: Oh my God, Dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenranger420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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brotherjokes

Last night, my brother and I were over at my parents' house. I made a comment about some of the spicy things I had been eating earlier, and that my nose has been running all day. Suddenly, my brother bolts up and scurries across the room as if he's chasing something on the ground. Luckily, he caught it, because he said it was my precious nose.

An hour or two later, my mom was grabbing some bedding so he could make up the couch for the night. She asked if he needed a sheet, and he said "no thank you, I'm still digesting".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bee_Kamiya
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
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Soup and a DadJoke, please.

Visited my dad tonight: he seemed a little under the weather. I asked what was wrong and he said he was having digestive problems because he'd eaten "Black Bean and Andouille Sausage" soup for lunch.

"The beans I can handle, but the sausage was my andouilling."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruok4a69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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Dad, what are we having for dinner?

Kid: Dad, what are we having for dinner?

Dad: Food.

Kid: What kind of food?

Dad: Food that you eat.

Kid: What kind of food that you eat?

Dad: Food that you eat and digest.

ETC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/247NoSleep
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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My paid lunch break turned into getting paid to be dad joked.

While at lunch with my father yesterday...

Me: I think I'm gonna get the steak tartare burger.

Dad: Sounds rough

Me: What do you mean, pop?

Dad: Well, I have a pretty strong stomach, but at this age, digesting raw meat is a whole different animal.

Thanks, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArshuallahBear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Proofreading essays

About a week before this, I had my dad and stepmom proofread an essay of mine.

Me: "So I got a C+ on that paper from last week. Apparently my formatting was weird and I didn't make it 'digestible' enough for the readers."

Dad: "Oh wow, I suppose that's my fault. I didn't know we were supposed to eat it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/callMeDirtyDan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
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