Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again π€
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Ok this needs a bit of context: η« is a Chinese word that is read as 'mao'
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︎ Jan 31 2021
My wife and I had this weird argument as to which vowel is the most important.
π︎ 42
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Almost as good as: One impeachment is bad. But two impeachments...
https://preview.redd.it/falrg08lsib61.jpg?width=955&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ac42317a8818d67010ef24fcacbf368691df6f20
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Is everyone here as tired as I am of the quiet Hawaiian a low ha joke?
If only that joke wasn't aloud.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?
Because it was the time of knights.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
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︎ Jun 20 2020
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
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︎ Dec 31 2020
There was a lumberjack who moonlighted as a serial killer. He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is why he was so prolific.
Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is theyβre working on a self driving boat as well.
Theyβre going to call it the iAye
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Dwayne Johnson is a really nice guy, so he always makes sure he's as close to the wall as possible...
He hates putting anyone between The Rock and a hard place.
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︎ Nov 06 2020
My boyfriend told me as I walked in βhey donβt be alarmed but the toilet is smokingβ. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I was telling my friend that brown rice is the same as white rice, but with a criminal record....
He thinks I'm a riceist for saying that.
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︎ Nov 29 2020
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 24 2020
I bought my son a car accessory as a surprise but my wife told him what is was before I gave it to him.
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Should I give it another stab or leaf it as is?
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︎ Jul 08 2020
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so itβs Schindlerβs Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindlerβs List? My head is spinning
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︎ Oct 11 2020
What is Blackbeard's favorite species of thistle cultivated as a food?
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.
She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
A person who cannot see is known as blind, a person who cannot speak is known as mute. So, what do you call a person who cannot hear?
Anything you want to call them, they cannot hear.
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Las Vegas is known as βSin Cityβ, but which sin does it represent?
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︎ Sep 23 2020
As I was leaving the vetβs office, he said βHere is the bill..
Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.β
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︎ Aug 20 2020
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Say what you want about carrot top, but fact of the matter is heβs out there making a living as a comedian
You gotta give him props for that
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︎ Oct 26 2020
HISStory is my favourite class as well!
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︎ Sep 14 2020
In Germany, is it appropriate to refer to it as 21:00
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︎ Sep 27 2020
Beauty and the Beast is a great story about a beast who is almost condemned to be stuck as a beast forever but gets...
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
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π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
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︎ Sep 15 2020
How do you call someone who is sexuality attached to everyone as long as they have a sense of humour
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︎ Jul 08 2020
My local safari park is trying to pass off common Caribou as African Wildebeest...
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
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︎ Jul 21 2020
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Most brands of bottled beer is the same as having sex on a boat
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 08 2020
My grandfatherβs broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
Itβs a timeless piece, really.
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︎ Jun 11 2020
My wife and I had this huge argument as to which vowel is the most important.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 18 2020
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Sep 15 2019
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