I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
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︎ Jun 20 2020
Should I give it another stab or leaf it as is?
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︎ Jul 08 2020
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
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︎ Apr 24 2020
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
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︎ Jun 26 2020
How do you call someone who is sexuality attached to everyone as long as they have a sense of humour
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Most brands of bottled beer is the same as having sex on a boat
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︎ Jul 08 2020
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Why is Thorβs brother not as famous?
Because heβs rather low-key!
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Do you know the name of Cardi B's sister? She is working as a trainer.
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︎ Jul 01 2020
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...
"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"
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︎ Jul 09 2020
As a dad of boys, poop is always a solid conversation topic.
Sometimes, not so solid, either.
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︎ Jun 24 2020
A broom is the same as a comb.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My grandfatherβs broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
Itβs a timeless piece, really.
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︎ Jun 11 2020
My brother and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
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︎ May 22 2020
As I got off the chairlift, I came to the realization that skiing is not for me.
It all went downhill from there.
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︎ May 26 2020
My son told me that he is pursuing dentistry as a career
I told him, "But son, that career path will take you years!"
"First you have to take dentist 1, then dentist 2, all before you get to dentist 3!"
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︎ May 26 2020
Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.
I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.
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︎ May 21 2020
My wife and I had a long argument as to which vowel is the most important.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.
In our house It's really causing some division
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︎ Apr 22 2020
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
Itβs f*cking close to water.
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︎ Feb 29 2020
A Scotsman stumbles out of the bar and as he is walking down the street, he walks past a girl.
The girl asks, βis it true that thereβs nothing under that kilt of yours?β The Scotsman replies, βwhy donβt you reach under and see for yourself?β The girl reaches under his kilt and quickly removes her hand. βDear god, thatβs gruesome!β
The Scotsman replied back βAye, and if you reach up under there again, youβll see itβs gruesome more.β
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︎ May 10 2020
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
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︎ Mar 15 2020
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
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︎ Sep 15 2019
Why is the head sister usually known as a jack-of-all-trades?
Because she's a master of nun.
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︎ Apr 20 2020
Jiu Jitsu is Defined as:
1.) The act of folding someoneβs clothes while they are still in them
2.) Making someone do yoga against their will
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︎ Apr 25 2020
As we continue to deal with the mask wearing, social distancing and uncertainty through the coming weeks, we canβt lose sight of how important it is to continue taking these precautions.
As much as it sucks, itβs better to be safe than SARS-y
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︎ Apr 17 2020
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or should I spread 'em apart
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︎ Feb 06 2020
My friend asked my daughter, "How old is your father?" She replied, "As old as me!" He laughed and asked, "How can that be?!"
She reasoned, "Well, he didn't become a father until I was born."
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︎ Mar 31 2020
Date night with my wife and as she's reading the menu she asks, "Is anything popping out at you?"
I said, "I don't think it's that kind of book."
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︎ Feb 08 2020
Theresa May is stepping down on June 7th. As a result, the last week of May is the first week of June.
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︎ May 24 2019
A guy named Bart enters a bar. As soon as he enters, he is immediately shot and killed. Who killed Bart?
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My wife is mad that I keep introducing her as βmy ex-girlfriendβ
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︎ Apr 07 2019
Do you know what the last thing to go through a fly's brain is as it hits your windshield?
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︎ Mar 12 2020
In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!
We will be known as the rapid respuns
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︎ Mar 13 2020
My company is giving yo-yos as our gift this holidays and we are trying to think of a pun to include in our greeting cards. Any ideas?
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︎ Dec 03 2019
The moment I learned that βphα»β is actually pronounced βfuh,β I knew the time was ripe to write a Google review for my all-time favourite phα» restaurant. (I guess this qualifies more as βracy wordplayβ than it does βpunnyβ?)
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︎ Jan 10 2020
SLPT: If your priest or bishop is molesting your children, tell them to run away in a straight line as priests and bishops can only move diagonally.
/r/ShittyLifeProTips/commβ¦
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︎ Dec 28 2019
Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He sometimes wishes heβd never been Bourne.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
As soon as space travel is possible, Iβm moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
Iβm galactose intolerant
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︎ Jan 24 2019
My Friend is going to a fancy dress party and said he's going to dress up as a small island off the coast of italy...
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︎ Dec 18 2019
Wuntu is the name of the app and can be read as "want to"
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︎ Nov 26 2019
As a programmer, waking up is the 0th thing I do every morning
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︎ Nov 15 2018
Why is the female cow never used as beef?
That would be a Miss STEAK!
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︎ Dec 14 2019
They say that as you get older, the first thing to go is your memory...
But I can't remember the second thing.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Why is childbirth referred to as 'delivery'?
I mean, it's clearly take-out
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︎ Nov 17 2019
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry!
She might laugh.. you might die.
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︎ Oct 31 2018
My new year's resolution is the same for 2020 as it was in 2019
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︎ Dec 30 2019
My wife is quitting her job as a hairdresser to become a police officer.
You know what they say: βHair today, gun tomorrow.β
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︎ Dec 07 2019
Girlfriend asked how I cut my chin as I walked out of the bathroom this morning. Come on.. what is the simplest explanation?
I cut myself shaving
With occam's razor!
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︎ Oct 11 2019
Facebook has over 2 billion users, That is as big as the whole of christianity, Forget that, it is bigger than hinduism and islam. Although facebookβs messenger is probably the worst.
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawsonβs Creek.
Itβs 90108
^...for ^our ^^lives ^^^to ^^^be ^^^over...
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︎ Mar 04 2019
I invented a revolutionary new kind of beer. The bursting of the CO2 bubbles once the bottle is open can actually filter the air around you as you drink.
I call it the HEPA-weizen.
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︎ Dec 24 2019
My dad is a little nuts, as I was leaving the other day, I sneezed while saying goodbye.
He replied: "Cashew later too, son."
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︎ Oct 09 2019
Because C is pronounced as see (stolen from 9GAG a few years ago)
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︎ Apr 14 2019
If you dress up as santa claus is it claus-playing?
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︎ Nov 12 2019
In Russell Crowe's new film he stars as a man that ate his wife and is quite pleased with himself in
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︎ Nov 12 2019
As an only child who is male, I should have been named...
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︎ Sep 13 2019
If youβre happy right now as an electrician, your passion is current
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︎ Oct 02 2019
This one made me proud as a dad. My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with it: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?
An askhole.
I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.
I helped him tweak the setup a little, and then I had him tell his momma. I laughed even harder when she sat in stunned silence for a few seconds and then busted out laughing with her hands over her mouth.
We explained to him that while the joke was not wholly appropriate for his age, it most certainly was funny.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
The devil is depicted as male, because he is evil with a d...
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︎ Jun 24 2019
Every piece is as delicious as the previous two combined.
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︎ Aug 28 2018
My job is telling genuine trees apart from fake trees. I was so worried I'd be bad at it but as it happens I'm quite good.
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︎ Sep 20 2019
Church is boring as hell
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︎ Apr 16 2019
My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.
It's not really a growing market.
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︎ Aug 27 2019
is anyone else in favor of using contracted words as full sentences?
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︎ Aug 05 2019
Working as a dock hand is hard,
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︎ Oct 19 2019
Finding the right analogy is as hard as
...it's as hard as...
It's just really difficult
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︎ Aug 18 2019
I was diagnosed as a sociopath, and now my family is afraid of me.
I donβt understand why the would feel that way.
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︎ Aug 11 2019
If a walking corpse is referred to as a zombie, then what would you call a running one?
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︎ Jun 26 2019
Sand is a combination of the words sea and land, as it is where they meet. You could say it is their ship name.
Courtesy of my friend who took more than the average amount of antidepressants
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︎ May 25 2018
What does a werewolf YouTuber with a lisp say as each of their videos is wrapping up?
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︎ Aug 19 2019
This made me chuckle. I always say as long as my legs are spry and my brain is working, I can pick up extra shifts.
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︎ Apr 02 2019
I've often wondered as I walk through the forest, "Why is the ground so dirty?"
Well, now I know. Nature abhors a vacuum.
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︎ Aug 28 2019
As much as I love Netflix, when I look at the presidents, I don't think orange is the new black.
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︎ Jun 23 2018
Sonic trailer is released as a reminder that Ramadan is next week
and that I have to go fast
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︎ May 01 2019
Good to see my firewall is working as advertised.
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︎ Mar 08 2019
What is a human-sized ant known as?
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︎ Jul 24 2019
The dog's name is Dali. It was between painting him as Muhammad Dali or the Dali Lama. The latter one won (2018 - 2.8m x 3m)
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︎ Feb 17 2019
As a colour blind person, my favourite film is definitely Clockwork Magenta.
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︎ Dec 21 2018
Kermit the frog went to the bank to get a mortgage for a new lilypad. He walked up to the desk of loan officer Patricia Whack and placed a small porcelain statue of an angel on her desk asking if she would take it as collateral. "What is that?" she asked...
It's a knick knack, patty whack. Give a frog a loan?
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︎ Jul 08 2019
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
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︎ Apr 27 2019
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
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︎ Dec 29 2018
So is stealing someoneβs coffee classified as mugging?
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︎ Aug 08 2019
(My 2nd grade student told me this joke.) What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
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︎ Mar 23 2019
I guess it really is cold as FΒ° in the U.S.
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︎ Feb 01 2019
Working as an electrician is not bad
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π
︎ Jul 01 2019
My wife is mad that I keep introducing her as βmy ex-girlfriendβ
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︎ Oct 07 2019
What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?
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︎ May 15 2019
Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He wishes he was never Bourne.
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π
︎ Sep 11 2019
Finding the right analogy is as hard as...
...as hard as...ummmm....damn...
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 09 2019
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