I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
I’d love to start a cheese business
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
It'd be awesome to have a DeLorean
but honestly I'd only drive it from time to time.
Someone dug a plethora of d’earth. Now I’ve got a hole lot of nothing.
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
When I was a kid I thought we’d all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.
I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."
"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
What’d that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought I’d come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
What’d the confused alligator say when acting like a rooster?
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
I went to a smoke shop only to discover it’d been replaced by an apparel store.
If i could, I’d make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
I was watching an EzPz vid on r/Im14andthisisdeep, and thought I'd make a meme.
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.
I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.
So there’s this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that he’d vanish on the count of three. “Uno” “Dos”
And then he vanished, without a tres.
A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled L.S.D.?"
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
So, if anyone can suggest a city, I'd be grateful.
If Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII was involved with politics, he’d be a republican.
I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.
But it's too late....she sank.
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
A little Christmas song. A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L, NO L...
Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."
Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
