I’m selling a 55” TV for JUST $1, only problem is the volume button is broken...

... I mean, how can you turn that one down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/forest-of-ewood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.

He was hauling adze!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I am going to go to school to become a marine biologist at age 55...

I know it sounds fishy, but I really think it will help to be less crabby, get out out of my shell, and have a porpoise in life.

After all, the world is my oyster!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tripsteur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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When a Mexican man turns 55 does that make him...

A seΓ±or citizen?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DingoAltair
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Longest pun in the world: 10,784 words. 55,996 characters. longestjokeintheworld.com…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knestleknox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
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Studies show that 55% of North American adults will fail eighth grade math.

For the remaining 55% of us, it is a piece of cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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Chinese takeout: $10.55. Gas to get there and back: $2.42...

...Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wafflesam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2015
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It is suggested that women over the age of 55 get a mammogram every 2 years.

Shouldn’t men be recommended to get sirograms?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LikeSnowLikeGold
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Every time...

0:00 0:01 0:02 0:03 0:04 0:05 0:06 0:07 0:08 0:09 0:10 0:11 0:12 0:13 0:14 0:15 0:16 0:17 0:18 0:19 0:20 0:21 0:22 0:23 0:24 0:25 0:26 0:27 0:28 0:29 0:30 0:31 0:32 0:33 0:34 0:35 0:36 0:37 0:38 0:39 0:40 0:41 0:42 0:43 0:44 0:45 0:46 0:47 0:48 0:49 0:50 0:51 0:52 0:53 0:54 0:55 0:56 0:57 0:58 0:59 1:00 1:01 1:02 1:03 1:04 1:05 1:06 1:07 1:08 1:09 1:10 1:11 1:12 1:13 1:14 1:15 1:16 1:17 1:18 1:19 1:20 1:21 1:22 1:23 1:24 1:25 1:26 1:27 1:28 1:29 1:30 1:31 1:32 1:33 1:34 1:35 1:36 1:37 1:38 1:39 1:40 1:41 1:42 1:43 1:44 1:45 1:46 1:47 1:48 1:49 1:50 1:51 1:52 1:53 1:54 1:55 1:56 1:57 1:58 1:59 2:00 2:01 2:02 2:03 2:04 2:05 2:06 2:07 2:08 2:09 2:10 2:11 2:12 2:13 2:14 2:15 2:16 2:17 2:18 2:19 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 2:24 2:25 2:26 2:27 2:28 2:29 2:30 2:31 2:32 2:33 2:34 2:35 2:36 2:37 2:38 2:39 2:40 2:41 2:42 2:43 2:44 2:45 2:46 2:47 2:48 2:49 2:50 2:51 2:52 2:53 2:54 2:55 2:56 2:57 2:58 2:59 3:00 3:01 3:02 3:03 3:04 3:05 3:06 3:07 3:08 3:09 3:10 3:11 3:12 3:13 3:14 3:15 3:16 3:17 3:18 3:19 3:20 3:21 3:22 3:23 3:24 3:25 3:26 3:27 3:28 3:29 3:30 3:31 3:32 3:33 3:34 3:35 3:36 3:37 3:38 3:39 3:40 3:41 3:42 3:43 3:44 3:45 3:46 3:47 3:48 3:49 3:50 3:51 3:52 3:53 3:54 3:55 3:56 3:57 3:58 3:59 4:00 4:01 4:02 4:03 4:04 4:05 4:06 4:07 4:08 4:09 4:10 4:11 4:12 4:13 4:14 4:15 4:16 4:17 4:18 4:19 4:20 4:21 4:22 4:23 4:24 4:25 4:26 4:27 4:28 4:29 4:30 4:31 4:32 4:33 4:34 4:35 4:36 4:37 4:38 4:39 4:40 4:41 4:42 4:43 4:44 4:45 4:46 4:47 4:48 4:49 4:50 4:51 4:52 4:53 4:54 4:55 4:56 4:57 4:58 4:59 5:00 5:01 5:02 5:03 5:04 5:05 5:06 5:07 5:08 5:09 5:10 5:11 5:12 5:13 5:14 5:15 5:16 5:17 5:18 5:19 5:20 5:21 5:22 5:23 5:24 5:25 5:26 5:27 5:28 5:29 5:30 5:31 5:32 5:33 5:34 5:35 5:36 5:37 5:38 5:39 5:40 5:41 5:42 5:43 5:44 5:45 5:46 5:47 5:48 5:49 5:50 5:51 5:52 5:53 5:54 5:55 5:56 5:57 5:58 5:59 6:00 6:01 6:02 6:03 6:04 6:05 6:06 6:07 6:08 6:09 6:10 6:11 6:12 6:13 6:14 6:15 6:16 6:17 6:18 6:19 6:20 6:21 6:22 6:23 6:24 6:25 6:26 6:27 6:28 6:29 6:30 6:31 6:32 6:33 6:34 6:35 6:36 6:37 6:38 6:39 6:40 6:41 6:42 6:43 6:44 6:45 6:46 6:47 6:48 6:49 6:50 6:51 6:52 6:53 6:54 6:55 6:56 6:57 6:58 6:59 7:00 7:01 7:02 7:03 7:04 7:05 7:06 7:07 7:08 7:09 7:10 7:11 7:12 7:13 7:14 7:15 7:16 7:17 7:18 7:19 7:20 7:21 7:22 7:23 7:24 7:25 7:26 7:27 7:28 7:29 7:30 7:31 7:32 7:33 7:34 7:35 7:36 7:37 7:38 7:39 7:40 7:41 7:42 7:43 7:44 7:45 7:46 7:47 7:48 7:49 7:50 7:51 7:52 7:53 7:54 7:55 7:56 7:57 7:58 7:59 8:00 8:01 8:02 8:03 8:04 8:05 8:06 8:07 8:08 8:09 8:10 8:11 8:12 8:13 8:14 8:15 8:16 8:17 8:18 8:19

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scott_MacGregor
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2015
🚨︎ report
So I was Dad joked in the parking lot

So I just met a master jokester. The setting:

I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here'

me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse'

Him: 'youll be cooking for old men'

Me: 'its a challenge'

Him: 'well I don't want to keep you

Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy'

Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that'

Me: why?!

Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy

Me: ... I can't believe I just got grandpop joked

Him: you better believe it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZenPancakes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Here's the thing...

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/e8/55/96/e855965784a4d8df7085dd5cdb59d011.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redgears
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
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A misunderstood goat

I once had a goat. One that nobody understood why he did the things he did, and he resented us all for it. So much so that he would head butt and attack anyone that tried to get close. He was just such a misunderstood soul. One day, I was looking out the window with my morning coffee when I saw that a passing stranger was sitting atop that old and rusted '55 Chevy pickup that sat in the pasture petting the goat. The goat had finally found someone that really understood him. I watched amazed as this stranger reached a closeness with the goat that I myself would never know . "Wow" I whispered to myself, "that man really gets my goat..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/auzzy2387
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2013
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So John just started working at the butcher's shop...

and things are going great for the first few days, handling deliveries, putting cuts into and out of storage, etc. After his first week, coming in at 8am to work with the Butcher's supervision, the Butcher decides that he can trust John with a little more responsibility. The Butcher is a bit of a perfectionist and he tells John that he has to be there by 6am Monday morning because a delivery of fresh beef was due to arrive at 6:15 and it needed storage and processing immediately. John was incredibly excited and set extra alarms Monday. He snoozes his 5am alarm, but his 5:15 alarm gets him going, and he arrives at the shop at 5:55, tired and slightly panicked. He gets into the back room and takes a catnap.

He is shaken awake at 7:45am by the Butcher, who is asking where the cuts are. The deliveryman didn't see John and so the beef wasn't delivered or cut. The Butcher was incredibly disappointed in John, and had to fired him because he had caused too many missed steaks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howlingchief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by NPR this morning

The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel. Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crciv
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
🚨︎ report
I was at a Christmas party that my dad's friend was throwing...

No one in attendance was under 55 when they dropped this bomb shell on each other:

My Dad: Hey Al, your dog is getting fat.

Al: He's on a sea food diet.

At this point all of the dads there jumped in and in perfect synchronization shouted: "See food and eat it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vaticancameos221
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad got a ticket driving home

Dad: "You'll never believe what happened to me today driving home!"

Me: "What?"

Dad: "Well, I was driving down a back road home from work. It was such a beautiful day. The sun was still shining, a slight breeze was rustling the trees, and all the leaves had changed colors. Yellow, orange, red... just a gorgeous view. I was doing about 55, not a car in sight, when I come around a bend and see a cop car parked on the side of the road. I slowed down, but tried not to slow down so quickly that it would be obvious. I carefully drove up past the cop, being extra careful to stay centered within the lines and maintaining my lower speed. It looked like I was all clear, but then from out of nowhere a turkey jumped out in front of my car! I didn't even have a chance to brake!"

Me: "Jeez that's crazy!"

Dad: "I know! It hit the front of my car, rolled up over the windshield and did a somersault before landing directly onto the hood of the officer's car. He immediately turned on his lights and pulled me over and gave me a ticket."

Me: "What?? But that's not your fault! It was the turkey! What did he even give you a ticket for?"

Dad: "He gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird. Hahahaha!"

Me: -___-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoopaSte123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
🚨︎ report
First day of summer... The stars aligned for this one!

Girlfriend: We should go to a 5 Seconds To Summer concert! [one of her favorite bands]

Me: We're too late. That would've been at 11:55:55 PM last night.

Girlfriend: ... oooOOOHHH because today is the first day of summer on the calendar!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IBlameTheMormons
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
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Good one, Dad.

My dad was passing through town for work and was going to crash at my house. I inadvertently turned the heat off this morning when I left, so It was 55 degrees when he arrived. He called me and asked "were you trying to make a pop-sicle?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dm919
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Was merging onto a state highway...

I said to my wife, "All these other drivers must be Sammy Hagar!" "What are you talking about?" "Because they can't seem to drive 55!" And the face palming proceeded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marukaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Condiment Speeds

So this happened at my convoy briefing at my unit this morning:

Commander: 'Convoy speed will be 50, catch up speed will be 55'

Someone else: 'What's the mustard speed going to be?'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oneoneoneoneone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
🚨︎ report

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