65 Puns

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

Or is it MediCat?

Grandpa said he's ready to retire from it.

Me: "Yeah, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

Now they say it's been 66 million years.

Velocirapper

Gary Oldman

1forrest1

Now he’s 65 and I don’t know where he is.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

..with 65 billion dollars.

Because they are always Russian.

One of my 65-year-old dad’s favorite jokes.

Dad: I am a fast learner.

Son: What is 11 times 11?

Dad: 65

Son: No, it's 121!

Dad: It's 121.

As I work in a restaurant, a dad and his teenage son came for to go food order. When the dad had to sign the receipt, he asked what’s the total to his son as he could not see properly. His son replied, it’s $80.65 can’t you see? Dad goes, “wait till you get to 46” His son being irritated, I asked, Where’s do you see yourself in two years?” Son was speechless, and I told him, “ I was checking if you had a 2020 vision” The dad laughed in shame.

So we were at a certain popular buffet chain, and when my dad 54-year-old with a long white beard went up to pay, the Spanish cashier asked if he was eligible for the senior discount, for ages 65+.

He strokes his beard and says "Nope, I'm not quite there yet.

I was standing behind him waiting to go eat, and I said "Well maybe you should try talking Spanish? Then you will be a señor!"

She gave us the discount, everybody around us cracked up laughing, applause was had, and the Albert Einstein behind us gave me $100. (Seriously though, they both laughed, she gave us the $0.59 discount, and Dad tells this story every chance he gets.)

He parts it.

I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65).

Mom: I have the heart of a 20 year old..

Dad: ..And the body of a 65 year old!

Me: What, why are you the only one who gets away with saying stuff like that?

Mom: What? What did he say?

Dad: You're young and beautiful.

We were at Starbucks and at the counter, there was a Proposition 65 warning that ground coffee beans give off a chemical that can give cancer. My dad then turns to me and says, "Pilots must not get cancer. They always stay away from the ground. Pilots also have to follow some strict ground rules." I groaned, and he finished it off by saying, "Hey, you better watch it. I might just ground you." Well played, Dad. Well played.