In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 09 2021
My wife said sheβd leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didnβt believe her
π︎ 442
π
︎ May 19 2021
I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
Iβd be lying if I said I got a hair cut
π︎ 100
π
︎ May 26 2021
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: βIβd like some chapstickβ
The pharmacist says βbut youβre a duck, how are you going to pay for that?β
The duck says βitβs fine, just put it on my billβ
π︎ 283
π
︎ May 02 2021
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,
Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.
π︎ 119
π
︎ May 20 2021
Lol'd for real this time
π︎ 51
π
︎ May 27 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
Iβd give me wife the whole ocean
But today sheβs only getting a small C-section
Edit: itβs actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden itβs happening π
π︎ 17
π
︎ May 13 2021
I'd like to ask all of those who believe in psychokinesis...
to please raise my hands.
π︎ 32
π
︎ May 27 2021
I told my girlfriend that I thought sheβd drawn her eyebrows on too high.
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 18 2021
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
π︎ 99
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
Iβd like to make a joke about chemistry
But all the good ones argon
π︎ 42
π
︎ May 01 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiβd cos I canβt say no to it
π︎ 379
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Choices of D&D classes
I'm starting to play in a new D&D game, and I can't decide between playing a Bard or a Rogue.
Guess I'll have to weigh the Prose and the Cons. πππ
π
π
π€π€π€£π€£πππππ₯°π₯°πππ€ͺπ€ͺ
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 18 2021
What would George Strait sing if he'd be an office worker?
All my Excels live in XLSX!
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 19 2021
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
π︎ 14
π
︎ May 03 2021
If I had a son I'd name him Kelvin.
Because kelvin is an absolute unit
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 20 2021
I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
π︎ 39
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I'd tell yous all a joke about a wall
However none of you would get over it.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 24 2021
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 10 2021
Back in the 70s and 80s, Iβd often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...
Wow, Iβm really dating myself.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 22 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
G β A β B β C β D β E β G β F#
Damn!
I just majorly fucked up.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
I thought Iβd spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.
Turns out it was all under CTRL.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I used to date a Welsh girl who had 32 Dβs
It was a ridiculously long name
π︎ 108
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
If Shrek were attracted to men and women, heβd be bishrexual.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
π︎ 173
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 14 2021
So, if you put Arlington County in Virginia together with Washington, D.C.,
Could that area be called AC/DC?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Iβd tell a joke about sentences
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
Despite what you'd think, witches really like to shop at Hobby Lobby.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 02 2021
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
Iβd like to stay for two Knights please.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that youβd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
I'd like to take this moment and say I endorse podiums.
That's a product I can stand behind!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
My mum told me Iβd never make a car out of spaghetti...
You shouldβve seen her face when I drove pasta.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Iβd love to start a cheese business
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
What did the Jewish man tell his barber when he asked how he'd like his haircut?
Just a little off the top
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 29 2021
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
π︎ 45
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
