A bald man got a great deal on a wig today - only $1!

It was a small price toupee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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I can get you a great deal on cremation services....

But you have to urn it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravanik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today

It’s really been a great cake day

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wakes09
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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I bought 20 guillotines because there was a great deal

I don’t know why I thought it’d be a good idea. I lost my head when buying them

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCultofLoss
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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I saw a great deal online for a 'Replica Rolex' for only $50. I just opened the box and found it is completely made of wood...

To make matters worse, it is covered with a dark circular imperfection in the wood grain. I won't accept this - knot on my watch.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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It meant a great deal...

When my dad taught me how to haggle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Parking structures cause me a great deal of anxiety.

On many different levels

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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I got a great deal on a funeral for my wife and I.

It was a his and hearse package.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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What a great deal!
πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devinh313
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I got a great deal on an upside down boat.

It was on sail.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goreblaster
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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My friend got a great deal on a new PC...

They threw in the operating system to boot

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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What did the bird say when he got a great deal?

Cheap cheap

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nom_nom44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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Just got a great deal on a new farm in the country

It was dirt cheap

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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I bought two reindeer for only a dollar each and thought I got a great deal ...

But it turns out they were two deer. Still, it was only a couple of bucks.

To be honest, I feel like I have more doe now than before.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/44pointer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2017
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Bonnie and Clyde got a great deal at the kissing booth.

They made out like bandits.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasekj919
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Found a great deal on potting soil for my garden

Store had it selling for dirt-cheap!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Its_Ackbar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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Son: What does bargain mean?

Dad: Well, it means a great deal, actually…

πŸ‘︎ 471
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Two people are at someone's funeral

The host asks the guest, "Would you like to say a word?" The guest than goes up than says, "Bargain" The host starts crying and says, "That means a great deal."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenDinaa__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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I held the nuts in a poker game once,

It meant a great deal to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kallax82
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I was really moved when I realized my mother let me win at cards.

It meant a great deal to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taco_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I love a royal flush!

It means a great deal to me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I saw a sign that said β€œwatch for kids”

Sounded like a great deal!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmedemorex
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant...

She said, β€œThanks dad, that means a great deal.”

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My parents told me the definition of barter the other day.

I told them that it means a great deal!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Turtleking1011
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Last night, I explained to my son what the word β€œbargain” means.

I think it meant a great deal to him.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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A man goes to a funeral..

And asks the widow - "mind if I say a word"? The widow says - "yes, please do" The man steps up, clears his throat and exclaims "bargain"! The widow tears up and says "thank you. That means a great deal"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarsee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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I have a friend who's really into spelunking

He invited me to go explore a cave with him, but it seemed dangerous so I declined. Months later he planned another caving expedition and invited me again, but again I said no. Half a year later, he planned another trip, but he insisted that I join him. He spent a great deal of time explaining the safety equipment and measures used, and I reluctantly changed my mind and agreed to go with him. I finally caved

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousWater
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word "bargain".

It means a great deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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So I dadjoked the hell out of my dadjoking boss

My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.

So that's what I have to deal with.

Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.

The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.

Boss: "What happened?"

Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."

Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."

Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.

I've told everyone about this the past couple days.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I have quite a few jokes on noble gases...

...but I've forgotten a great deal of them. From my memory, most of them Argon.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lethano
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Two livestock farmers were sat in the pub arguing over the government’s upcoming ban on exporting live animals...

The beef cattle farmer thought it was a silly policy and would greatly reduce his income from selling meat overseas....

The pig farmer disagreed, he thought it was a great opportunity for livestock farmers to benefit from higher profit margins in a strong domestic market with fewer overheads.

Feeling very passionate after a few beers, the beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œThis time in 12 months, the government will have repealed this policy because it’s such a terrible idea... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and they don’t repeal it, I’ll give you my prized cow, Daisy. But if I’m right, and they do repeal it, you have to give me free bacon for a year”.

The pig farmer is confident that the policy will be a success and won’t be repealed. So he says β€œdeal”.

The beef farmer carries on:

β€œActually, I think this policy is going to be such a terrible failure that I’ll need to sell half of my cows to stay afloat... in fact, I’m willing to bet on it. If I’m wrong, and this policy doesn’t mean I need to sell half my cows, I’ll give you free steaks for a year. But if I’m right, and I do need to sell half my cows, you have to give me your prized boar, pumba”.

The pig farmer is confident that the beef farmer won’t need to sell any cows. So he says β€œdeal”.

12 months pass following the introduction of the live export ban. The government hasn’t repealed the policy, but unfortunately the beef farmer has had to sell most of his cows.

Both farmers reconvene at the pub. The beef farmer says to the pig farmer:

β€œWell, it seems you were right about one thing but wrong about the other...

So... You may have won the cattle, but you’ve lost the boar!”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
mum came home with pasta

My mum was so happy that she got a great bargain on pasta from the shop.

So I had to follow up with, yeh you couldnt go pasta deal like that.

insert canned laughter from me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silly-bowser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
🚨︎ report
My father was a croupier.

I learnt a great deal from him.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/attaboyyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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A llama comes home after a hard day at work...

In an effort to cheer him up, his wife says β€œHoney I have great news! I found a great deal on a vacation for us next week! We’re going to Peru!” The husband says β€œPeru?! That’s fantastic! Alpaca suitcase!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vXDos_EquisXv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Speeding Ticket

So I went Black Friday shopping this morning and on my drive back home I got pulled over. I called my dad to break the news to him.

Dad: Did you get any great deals out there? Me: Not really. In fact, it was really expensive. I just got a $145 ticket for speeding. Dad: Wow. I've never heard of anything like that. That doesn't sound like a good deal to me. Me: I know. Talk about an expensive mistake. Dad: No, I've never heard of the band "speeding" and there is no way they are good enough for me to pay $145 dollars to see them. Hahahahaha

Dad humor is 1000x's better than yelling.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwilso9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my friends at a house party.

My friend was having a house party with about 15-20 of our group of friends. The music was pumping everyone was drunk , hyper and we were all in her living room having a great time. On top of the fireplace was this little elephant ornament.

So I gathered everyone around, turned the music off and made a big deal of making it seem like I had something really important to say. I completely killed the mood but all in the name of a good joke, amiright? I say, with as straight a face as I can manage, "Listen, I know we're all friends here but I think its time we all talk about the elephant in the room... It's right over there on the fireplace".

Cue groans and a few laughs. Mostly groans though... So worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/googitygig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this killer during a game of Rummyking.

We were having a family game of Rummyking and dad was having a great game, getting rid of a lot of his tiles. When mum complained that she had too many to deal with he looks her dead in the eyes and goes:

I bet you're getting tiled of this.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AIWDI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Was watching an episode of The Office when Jim says...
  • We found a great local daycare. It's rated really high by all the local parenting websites, but that means it's also really hard to get into.
  • Turns out a lot of parents want the very best for their children... That's weird.
  • We're hoping our interview seals the deal.
  • But if not, there's always the Army... The infantry.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/susumax
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad told one at a Christmas Party last night.

My Dad was discussing Black Friday deals with his friend and me.

Me: The entire store was 50% off of everything! Dad's Friend: That sounds like a great deal. Dad: Usually when I go to sales like that I end up coming out half naked.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatBandit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the frozen aisle

At the grocery store guy gets on the PA and announces "reminder, we've got a great sale in the produce department. Red grapes, green grapes, and black grapes all on sale for 99 cents/pound. It's a great deal"

So I turned to the lady next to me in the frozen aisle and said "more like a... Grape deal"

She just gave a small snort and rolled her eyes...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EndersBuggers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
🚨︎ report
My old man was the king.

A while back my parents refurnished their living room. My dad wasn't in the best of health so my mom went and picked everything out.

ME: How ya liking the new setup? My Dad: Your mom did a good job. She got a great deal on the TV but then she got screwed on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazyboy823
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.

She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReimGrad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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