One administrator of Cloud City struck a New Deal with the Empire: Franklin DeLando Roosevelt
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMus3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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The Green New Deal now has Dadjokes as a major pillar

We are the foremost experts in recycling!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qmechan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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My son gets really excited when we go to the natural history museum. When he gets near the prehistoric bones, he just explodes with excitement and I can't deal with is new strength.

I'm just not qualified to handle his dino-might.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leniski1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My friend got a great deal on a new PC...

They threw in the operating system to boot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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Sean Connery announces new marketing deal with Gillette

Not sure if you saw the media blitz early yesterday morning, when Sean Connery announced to the world that it was Daylight Shavings Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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Just got a great deal on a new farm in the country

It was dirt cheap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Sleep? It's all about preparation.

Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."

Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"

He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.

Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,

"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.

He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.

..............…

I was confused.

................

He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".

Yeah... Nice one dad........

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smegmagma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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Help me make dad jokes about my imaginary Inuit wife!

I was complaining about having to buy several permits today and told my girlfriend i was moving to Alaska to get away from "the man". She asked if my new Inuit wife would let her visit, I came up with:

  • she can hold it while i put inuit

  • we could work out a deal where we get to pay each other a visit on a regular basis like when you win the lottery and get an innuity

  • you 2 could share lingerie if you think you could fit inuit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itchyd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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A llama comes home after a hard day at work...

In an effort to cheer him up, his wife says β€œHoney I have great news! I found a great deal on a vacation for us next week! We’re going to Peru!” The husband says β€œPeru?! That’s fantastic! Alpaca suitcase!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vXDos_EquisXv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

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(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

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(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

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Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Speeding Ticket

So I went Black Friday shopping this morning and on my drive back home I got pulled over. I called my dad to break the news to him.

Dad: Did you get any great deals out there? Me: Not really. In fact, it was really expensive. I just got a $145 ticket for speeding. Dad: Wow. I've never heard of anything like that. That doesn't sound like a good deal to me. Me: I know. Talk about an expensive mistake. Dad: No, I've never heard of the band "speeding" and there is no way they are good enough for me to pay $145 dollars to see them. Hahahahaha

Dad humor is 1000x's better than yelling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwilso9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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my first dad joke

My wife and I recently found out that she is pregnant. While discussing our feelings about our new future my wife said she was "a little scared because being a parent is a big deal, because you're a parent now!" To which I replied, "apparently."

Edit: grammar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damnitjoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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My old man was the king.

A while back my parents refurnished their living room. My dad wasn't in the best of health so my mom went and picked everything out.

ME: How ya liking the new setup? My Dad: Your mom did a good job. She got a great deal on the TV but then she got screwed on the couch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lazyboy823
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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KFC Australia - Cricket Season Menu...

The two boys working the counter were having a hard time finding the special deals on the register.

Workers - "Sorry, it's a whole new menu for the cricket season" Customer - "ah yeah.. howzat?"

It didn't look like the staff appreciated it very much...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silverbeet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Chiropractor puns... why?!?!?

Me: So I'm going to a new chiropractor tomorrow. Him: How much are they charging you? Me: Oh, there's no charge for the first visit. Him: Sounds like a drug deal. And they give you... cracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurahatesu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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Dad-joked my U.S. History Class.

Today in History Class, we were learning about FDR's New Deal, and my teacher brought up the Tennessee Valley Authority (TVA), which was part of FDR's many public works programs, this one being responsible for damming the Tennessee River for hydroelectric power, and the controversies surrounding it.

In response, I rose my hand and said, "Wow, the TVA must have caused alot of dam controversy."

Laughs were had by all, including the teacher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
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