After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won't admit she framed me.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, “That’s a little condescending.”
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here.
reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me...
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?”
I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.”
She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover.
I found it way more entertaining then she did.
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
What did one wall say to another?
''Let's meet at the corner''
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: “Isn’t that a great looking ship?” Mike replied:
Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.
My neighbours, the Razzis, have more photographs hanging from their walls than anyone I’ve ever known.
Thanks to their dad, Papa Razzi.
The other day I was driving by a prison and an unusually small person was scaling down the wall. I looked up at him confused as he sneered back at me.
And I thought to myself, well that’s a little condescending.
sorry it’s a repost of myself. My original post got removed for hate speech and harassment
The little fish bumped into a wall while swimming up stream
. . . and exclaimed, "Dam!"
Two fish are out swimming when they swim into a wall.
The one fish turns to the other and says, "Damn."
The second fish replies, "No, I think it was a well."
I had to cancel a boat tour of a Norway cliff-wall sea inlet.
I used to date someone with a communist flag on their wall.
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Donald Trump’s wall....
On the condition he gets to install windows🇺🇸
You guys heard about one with the really high wall?
I would share, but you'd never get over it.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
Most people know that after swimming into a wall the fish said "Dam!" But what did the dam say?
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in!
(My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
A Brit, a Laotian, a Colombian, an American, an Indian, and a Egyptian wall into a fancy restaurant...
The doorman turns them back, saying “I’m sorry. We can’t let you in without a Thai.”
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
What did the fish say when he rammed into the warm wall?
My girlfriend and I were traveling thru Kentucky where we stayed at a lodge. She told me a humorous story out to the left of the wall of the building...
Crashed my bike into a wall today...
That’s wheelie unfortunate.
just a nether brick in the wall
now i understand why i hate The Wolf of Wall Street movie
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.
And I plan on sticking to it!
Two people descended down a wall of a canyon.
Did you hear the Pillsbury Dough Boy fell off the wall with Humpty?
What did the poster say to the wall?
What did the bird say when it found a brand new brick wall?
Honnold sends the Dawn Wall...
A man walked into a wall and went into a coma
The family, decided to sue a side.
What do you call the wall between Mexico and the USA?
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
My dad told me this one the other day.. "What did the fish say when he bumped into a wall?"
"Dam!"
I told him it was a dumb joke 😂
Did you hear about the Irishman who bounces off walls?
I have bunch of stuffed yellow cabs on my walls
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
Tonight is a sad night... our robotic vacuum cleaner, Wall-E, killed our bathroom spider, Al Gore.
Why was our bathroom spider named Al Gore? Simple. He created the web.
What are the walls on a house of cards made of?
A blind man walks into a bar...
And a table...and a wall.
What did the cat say when it ran into the wall?
I was planing on taking a shower at my hotel today...
...but apparently they bolt those things to the wall.
Why do my university lecture theatres have all this blank artwork on the walls?
What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street?
Dad:”back when I had to do wall-sits in school..”
“I had enough and told my gym teacher I couldn’t stand doing them
The election is happening in November and Trump will be bragging about the 30 foot wall he built on the Mexican border.
But he probably should have made it much longer than that.
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)
Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there
Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!
Is it normal for a Jedi to scale walls and obstacles with ease?
Yes, it’s parkour the force.
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
...
keep reading on reddit ➡
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.
The reason is a coo sticks.
My son joe asked why I was throwing doritos at a wall instead of using a sledgehammer.
I said, I don’t need that, I’m CHIPPING away at it.
I was cruising one day and saw a midget scaling down the wall of a prison
I thought "That's a lil condescending"
Why did the wind take down a part of trump’s Wall?
Because it was the only thing with Trump’s name on it that couldn’t dodge a draft
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
Thought to myself, “that’s a little condescending”.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."
Did you here about the dwarf climbing over the wall to escape prison?
He fell!
It was a little condescending.
I just saw a dwarf climbing down the wall of a prison.
I thought to myself... “that’s a little condescending”.
What did fish say when it hit the wall?
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
What do fish say when they crash into a wall?
What is it called when a fish runs into a wall?
What did the fish say when it hit its head on the concrete wall?
What did a fish say when it hit a wall?
What did one wall say to the other wall?
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
Why did they build a wall around the cemetery?
Because people were dying to get in!
What did the fish say when he bumped into a brick wall?
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
Why are there walls around a cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
What did the fish say when it hit a wall?
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall...
...I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
A fish ran into a wall and said
Crashed my bike into a wall
It’s wheelie unfortunate that it’s broken.
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
What does a fish say when it swims into a wall?
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
What did the fish say when i t swam into a wall ?
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
What does the fish say when he swims against a wall?
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