A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.
π︎ 102
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 80
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Strained my voice
The other day i yelled into a colander and i strained my voice.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 26 2020
What's the drug that changes your voice?
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 03 2020
(*in a late night TV voice*)
Have you been wearing glasses during the pandemic?!? Have you been wearing your mask?!? You may be entitled to condensation.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 05 2020
All i hear is Bawwy Kwepki's voice
π︎ 43
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︎ Sep 19 2020
I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...
Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 09 2020
"Okay rookie, the first thing you've got to learn about making pornography for the blind is: Voice Projection."
"That sounds hard."
"Thank you. I'm a professional."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
What happens when someone with a tiny voice gets angry?
^α΅Κ°α΅ΚΈ ^ΚΈα΅Λ‘Λ‘ ^Κ³α΅α΅Λ‘Λ‘ΚΈ ^Λ‘α΅α΅α΅α΅
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 20 2020
If a pig loses it's voice...
Is it disgruntled?
I'll leave now...
π︎ 8
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︎ Oct 11 2020
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,
I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one
π︎ 38
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︎ Jul 12 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 88
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︎ Jul 26 2020
So they are making this movie where Michael J. Fox voice acts for a time traveling chicken.
They call it Bawk to the Future.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
Which brand of computer has the best singing voice?
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 02 2020
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 30 2020
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
An owl lost its voice.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
When Dad talks to you in his STERN VOICE is he just speaking...
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 07 2020
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chefβs squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 11 2020
The moment I realise I lost my voice __________
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 14 2020
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
π︎ 14
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︎ May 16 2020
ME: *coughing* I'm sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
π︎ 9
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︎ May 15 2020
My friend walked up quietly and said, "hi Thomas." Then I heard a whiny voice say "hiii Thommasss." "Did you just make fun of yourself saying hi?" I asked my friend.
"Oh no," he replied. "That's my shoes... I'm wearing mockasins."
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 13 2020
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...
π︎ 4
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︎ May 23 2020
I asked my wife if she wanted me to use my βsexy Russian voiceβ during sexy time.
I told her she could call meβVladimir Putitinβ.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
What is a voice actorβs favorite music genre?
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My voice is pony
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
What kind of a voice has a washwoman?
a soaprano
A dad joke from an 1886 joke book.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
U2 are touring in Australia, so I upgraded my GPS to Bonoβs voice
Now the streets have no name and I still havenβt found what Iβm looking for
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 23 2019
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and i might never speak again.
I can't tell you how upset i am
π︎ 23
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︎ Aug 14 2019
What did the snail say to his voice activated vehicle when it asked him if he was ready to go for a drive
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 17 2020
Why did CJ's voice actor have a conflict with Rockstar Games?
Because the envelope he got on pay day said 'Respect'
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 06 2020
Met this intimidating fellow last week, asked if he needed anything, he replied with a hoarse voice..
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 17 2019
I've genuinely lost my voice
π︎ 30
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︎ Oct 24 2019
βͺCAN you raise your voice unto the malt, sing songs and Heineken of gloryβ¬
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 21 2019
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
π︎ 87
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︎ Jun 07 2019
If you have a satnav that you can change the voice on, please do not use Bono from U2!
I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 04 2019
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you donβt.β And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town canβt be buried here.β I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz theyβre still alive!"
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 28 2019
Which computer has the best voice?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
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