Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'

Obviously a sham rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Why do thieves have such a hard time understanding puns (pun line underneath)

Because they take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remsta08
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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There were a couple of miners make their way to SF. They set up camp for the night underneath a giant half dome. One of the miners was going to make coffee. He ask if anyone else wanted something to drink

Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. β€œYO SEND ME TEA.!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SandyHoey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
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Posted this classic to the work corkboard, and my manager followed it up with another good pun underneath it. imgur.com/OoOpuBD
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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What does Thor wear underneath his pants?

Thunderware

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iluminolan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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People from the Netherlands smoke weed because a large part of their country is underneath the sea level. They are only trying to get "high" so that they can escape the effects of global warming.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gandurk
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
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Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What does a lawyer wear to work?

Lawsuits

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πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Simon is in the school play and invites his parents, who don't think he'll be very good.

Halfway through the play, a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Don't worry' Simon's dad whispers to his mum 'it's just a stage he's going through!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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When God was integrating Planet Earth, he suddenly recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Did you see the baguette in a cage?

The sign underneath it said bread in captivity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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How can you tell a bull from a cow?

Look underneath and if it ain’t one thing, it’s an udder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quibblicous
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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How do you recognize a nerdy mermaid?

She wears an algaebra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeviantClam
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
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Two guys walked into a bar...

A third guy followed, and ducked underneath.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Creeper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter comes up to me and asks: "How did I find the steak?"

I told him I looked underneath the parsley.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Where did the captain keep his buccaneers?

Underneath his buccanhat

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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I locked myself out of the house when I brought pasta home from the store.

I couldn't get in. I checked underneath the mat, in the flower pot, but then it dawned on me.

I had gnocchi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dawnguardian286
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Sad news.

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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Thought you all would appreciate this. I have a 19yo old Cat name Scout.

I was playing a game with a friend on my PC and she started to get tangled in my cords underneath. I stopped and got her out and explained to my friend how she is going blind. And replies back with "so you mean to tell me she is no longer a scout?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chumbawamba56
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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I went up a mountain to speak to a mystic.

I asked him, "Can you tell me what it's all about, existence and all that?" His eyes looked up at me, from underneath his bushy brows. Solemnly he said, "That is is a tricky question, but you should go work in an aquarium. "I was confused. "An aquarium, why is that?" "Because then you will have porpoise in life."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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The city boy asked the ranch hand how to tell a cow from a bull

"Just look underneath and count the dangly bits. If it's not one thing, it's an udder"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2017
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Teaching my 11yo son the Pythagorean theorem today.

A plane takes off from an airport in a diagonal ascent for 8km. 5km from the liftoff point a passenger flushes a turd down the toilet. Right then a farmer with a pair if binoculars watching the plane from directly underneath the aircraft sees the turd jettisoned, and exclaims. That's a high pot in use!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vmlinux
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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dad joked my niece

So my niece was talking about how it was raining, and at her school they have these "tents", which are really just tarps, over the outside lunch area. Apparently water pools up on top of them after it rains.

Her: the janitor was pushing up with a broom underneath and the water was splashing off, it was intense! me: sounds like it was off-tents actually... her: facepalm

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plasticarmyman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Dad joke in my birthday card... every damn year

Every year...

He tapes a penny into my birthday card and writes underneath: "Don't spend it all in one place!"

Thanks, Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr_greene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
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My mom got me good

Amazing Race spoilers, if it matters.

This week's episode was in Dubai, and we were watching the part where they were racing camels. The finish line says "Finish" with what I assume to be the Arabic word for finish underneath it. My mom turns to me and goes, "That's not Finnish, that's Arabic." I still have a headache from how hard my hand hit my head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captpiggard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2016
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My favorite joke from my dad

My dad was an auto mechanic with his own shop and often did work from inside a floor pit underneath the cars. One time my mom (who took care of the office) came over while he was working in the pit and remarked 'It's so dark down there, how can you see anything?' to which my dad replied, not missing a beat, 'I went to night school.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plexxer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2013
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Girlfriend is a Lord of the Rings fan

She has a tattoo of a mountain range with an elvish inscription underneath.

Me: What does your tattoo say again?

Her: Oh, it says "The mountain is calling.". Why?

Me: Oh no reason, I just didn't know what it was Tolkein about.

Her: (thousand yard stare)

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
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Girlfriend just got us; groans were had.

So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.

She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.

When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"

She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.

I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xnickitynickx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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I just got a dadjoke from my childhood.

I was in my single digits, and my dad was taking me for a walk through a frozen park during winter. I kept stepping on top of frozen puddles trying to crack the ice underneath me. Since I was making my pants all wet, after a while my dad started to get really frustrated, and he said "You're on thin ice".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soraendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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flipping houses

On the radio, an ad that asks you to call and learn how to make millions flipping houses.

Me: but how would you fit the pancake turner underneath a house?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perkinsms
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
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Got the Bouncer at the bar

There was a sign that said "No Cover" and underneath that was, "Live Band". I asked the bouncer if that meant that the band doesn't do any cover songs.

He didn't think it was funny

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lightcoolwhip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2015
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Hail in Michigan

I recently went with a bunch of friends to see a hockey game at the University of Michigan. If you don't know, everyone who goes to that school is obsessed with their fight song which is titled "Hail to the Victors".

Anyway, we get outside the arena and then a torrential downpour starts. Our group runs underneath a bus stop awning thing to wait out the storm.

Then loud cracks start to be heard. Frozen rain has started to fall everywhere.

We look around at each other.

"Hey guys..." I say.

Everyone tenses up. I see the disappointment on their faces. They know what is about to come out of my mouth.

"Hail to the Victors!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dbarts21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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Row your boat for dad

Row, row, row your boat, Underneath the stream, Haha, fooled you all, I’m a submarine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TubaChick23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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