I saw a mountain with a lot of cows hanging out on it.
Must've been Mount Heiferest.
A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…
He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, “If you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”
The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
What did Captain Kirk say to Spock as he was hanging off a cliff?
Just Klingon, I’ll go get help!
My wallet has been hanging by a thread for over a year
Today, while hanging Halloween lights, my 3 year old made his first pun:
Wow, that blue spider is so beautiful! It’s Blue-tiful!
I’m so proud.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
Guy:"Whats this about?"
Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?
Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."
I was hanging out with my French friend
We were talking about his daughter Patience, who had contracted an illness and started glowing green. To tell me he sat me down, looked me in the eyes and said; "Patience is a vert hue,".
What's a group of 5 or more denim-clad dads hanging out called?
Cowboy: Who's that they're hanging?
Cowboy: Who's that they're hanging?
Barman: That there is the Brown Paper Kid.
Cowboy: Brown Paper Kid? Never heard of him. What did they get him for?
Barman: Rustling.
Me: Dude! Come with me to the storage! I organized all the philosophy theses into plastic boxes with hanging files!
Unimpressed Friend: So, Crates...
Thanks to whoever left some goodies hanging all through my morning walk today..
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
Two goldfish are hanging out in a tank
One fish turns to the other and says, 'Any idea on how to drive this thing ?'
My neighbours, the Razzis, have more photographs hanging from their walls than anyone I’ve ever known.
Thanks to their dad, Papa Razzi.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
What do you get hanging from apple trees?
I was hanging on to the cliff face for dear life.
“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.
So I started smiling.
I saw a group of crows hanging out at the dump
It was a murder most fowl!
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, “this one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.”
I said, “that would be off the chain.”
What does Jack Frost use to determine if it's cold enough to start hanging icicles?
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?”
The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?”
The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with “No, not Eni.”
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)
Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there
Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!
I was hanging my clothes out to dry
And they says to me, "so you think you are too good for us "
And I says to them, I says, " No nothing like that, I am just going to be a nudist for a while."
(Dedicated to my inspiration: Norm Macdonald)
A man walks into a bar and sees a steak hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender, "Why is there a piece of steak hanging from the ceiling?
The bartender replies, "If somebody jumps and manages to hit the steak, all drinks will be free for the entire night. However, if somebody tries and misses, they will have to buy drinks for everybody else for the entire night. Would you like to try?"
The man thinks about it and replies, "No thanks, the stakes are too high."
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Why did 0 stop hanging out with -2?
He thought he would become negative too.
I was hanging out with a bunch of criminals who kept telling the funniest jokes.
We were laughing all the way to the bank.
I was hanging out with my sister the other day and she showed me a meme. I had not idea what it meant so I asked her
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
My wife was hanging 7 pictures in a row on the wall when I told her should should hang 3 over 4.
It’s created a real division in our home.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...
...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner”
Hanging in my school library
I'm gonna just take the low hanging fruit
My dad walked in on mom with her boobs hanging out.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?
I saw a mother hanging upside down today
seen a stop sign that was missing one of its screws and just hanging there upside down today..
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, "What's this about?"
The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?"
The guy replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.
One says to the other; "You stay here, I'll go on a head"
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his pants bartender says “aye mate you have a steering wheeling hanging from your pants”
Pirate replies “arrrgh I know and it’s driving me nuts!”
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