Something that remains twisted after being undone...

A twist tie!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetItGotItProfIt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What do you call a whale with a twisted loop in its tail?

MΓΆebius Dick

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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thats a twisted joke
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuanArielRivera
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Can You Say These Four Words Out Loud Really Fast Without Getting Tongue Twisted?

Eye, Yam, Stew, Peed

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hour4masterpiece
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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A friend asked me for help to mount his self-portrait on the wall the other day, so I went and bought him all the twisted cord that I could find...

β€œWhat’s all this for?” he asked...

β€œWell” I replied, β€œI’ve heard that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Did you hear about that guy who took t-shirts and twisted them up and tied them with rubber bands, then dipped them into buckets filled with different colored liquids?

He dyed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crapstossaway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster

It's just a draft at the moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyCatsAreDumb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Joke with a twist

Wife: I have to tell you something. Im pregnant. Husband: hi pregnant! I'm dad! Wife: no you're not.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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Son: "all these plot twists are making me confused"

Me: "Hi confused, I'm Mom"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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What did the spanish boy say to his dad when he was leaving for the city?

Ciudad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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If there is a record for how many times a person can twist their ankle

I think I might have broken it!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WKBX
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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My kid thought I should be impressed that she made a zero out of a twist tie.

I told her she’s 7, she should know that means nothing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ballatik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Puns! Quips. Jokes!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P131NYRFC3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Did you know that Americans eat more bananas than monkeys every year?

Which makes sense, because I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nadajoe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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How are chiropractors and public relations specialists alike?

One is a spine doctor and the other is a spin doctor, but both give things a new twist!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night

I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/localgasgiant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Fluid simulation with a twist! gfycat.com/tatteredrevolv…
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tedtedkiiler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaglehawk2011
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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Well .. that was a TWIST of words
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yazanmmo1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Did you hear the story about the Phantom Corkscrew?

It had a twist ending.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunstarCowboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Plot twist
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Plus_Memes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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how do you not realise you should stop after one twist
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucas1006
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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My Asian friend owns a business where he twists and binds white t-shirts then soaks them in colored liquid...

I even have one of her Thai dye t-shirts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
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Im really looking forward to the new Hacking Twist in Call of Duty!

They call it Modem Warfare!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meistereder420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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A neighbor asks for your help closing a window; it's stuck open a little. You try but fail, and she says "try twisting the top." Surprised, you ask why.

"It's ajar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Which movie has the greatest twist in its plot?

Twister

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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What do you call a motorway with a lot of twists and turns

The M9 Shyamalan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/John-Waters
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I was out in the club and they played "The Twist," so I did the twist. They played "the Macarena," so I did the Macarena.

Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got kicked out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thedaveabides98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
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A priest twists his ankle, what's the first thing that happens?

He'sprain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crispelli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My son couldn't figure out how to open our car door. I told him to twist it as hard as he can.

The door is Ajar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Plot Twist:

They were graphing a helix all along.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perverseverence
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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Spring is just around the corner
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Screws are just nails with a twist. (Repost from r/showerthoughts)
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curlamus_99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/howiewu0402
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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Classic dad joke with a twist

Hi, cheating on you, I'm Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/final-finish
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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My wife says I twist everything she says to my advantage....

I take that as a compliment

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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If you can twist a can into a knot,

then you cannot

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anndvision
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.

I take that as a compliment.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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