What to you call a gentleman with bad hygiene that loves to tell puns?
I heard my friends dad likes to tell puns
You can't tell puns to a kleptomaniac...
They take things literally.
(Free irony included, this joke is shamelessly stolen)
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
What does an egg tell another egg
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
How often does a chemist tell a joke about elements?
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Boy : "Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
How can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile
It’s how they say goodbye !!
How do you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."
Which vegetable tells us how old a taxi is?
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They would crack eachother up
I can't tell you all Japanese history in one joke...
Did I tell you guys about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
How do you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?
One has a ding-dong and the other has knockers.
Why do we tell actors "to break a leg?"
Because every show has a cast!
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his potions’ pot and his best mate
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
I'm 5'11½, but tell everyone I'm 6'0"
On my first day of being an army recruit, we were all lined up and the instructor commanded that those 6 feet and over step forward. Even though I was shy of ½inch, I stepped forward, along with 15 others.
.
After I looked around me, I realized I was noticeably the tallest.
A priest does not tell dad jokes
What did the prostitute tell the tattoo artist?
I was going to tell my friend a terrible bowling joke
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
My smartwatch can't tell me if I have a virus.
But it does tell me if I have ran somewhere.
How do you tell the difference between a chemical fire and an electrical fire?
With a fire distinguisher.
Why didn't the tire tell his joke?
Is it a dad joke when your daughter tells it?
My 11 year old to my 9 year old, as we drive by a cemetery on a hill : "i wonder why they bury people in a hill."
9 year old, in total deadpan: "because they're dead."
Using only the letters L H U T S E, how do you tell an investigator to hurry up?
A Mexican magician tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of 3.
He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…
Let me tell you a joke about a vacuum
I can't tell dad jokes
Because he's not here. I'll tell him when he's back though.
Edit: Thank u for the award kind stranger. :D
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties
It goes in one year and out the other.
I wanted to tell a joke about pizza
But it's just too cheesy.
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.
I was going to tell a time traveling joke...
Can an administrator tell me why my post was taken down?
Because my fence has fallen down.
I can never tell what my fish wants
Why does he have to be so coy?
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
Boy: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because there's always a cast
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