Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...

so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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When life sends you a lemon, squeeze the day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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What causes all the super-yachts to squeeze together in the same tourist spots?

Pier pressure.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Squeeze
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πŸ‘€︎ u/singularity111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.

I must be missing some bowels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvinli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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What do you get when you squeeze Apple Records?

Beatlejuice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derdody
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Someone once told me they heard I was a poor squeeze box player ...

I asked them, "Accordion to who?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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An almond doesn’t lactate: The FDA hasn’t been enforcing its own policy or putting the squeeze on product makersβ€”and that it’s time to get abreast of the labeling language. arstechnica.com/tech-poli…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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What do you get when you squeeze a Pomeranian between two stones?

Pome-GRANITE Juice!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miz104
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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My friend once said that if life gives you lemons. Squeeze those suckers and make some lemonade.

I said. What is life to you? some kind of a lime joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baldomccoy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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So I just found out that Pythons actually squeeze your heart into stopping before you suffocate in their wrap.

I guess that's a little disheartening...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeKaRoNi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
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My dad was washing dishes and I had to squeeze past him. "Hey, Dad, watch your back."

"Why? Does it do tricks?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreamyGoodnss
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2016
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I can't think about buying any stupid pure freshly squeezed juice right now.

I need to concentrate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateahoj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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What did the corona say to the lime when he asked for an appointment?

I can squeeze you in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rrenphoenixx
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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TIL that cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.

That was soda pressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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There was once a balloon family...

Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.

Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.

Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.

But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.

The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.

You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arokys81
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...

She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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I just squeezed the shampoo bottle a little too hard

Head and Shoulders on my knees and toes, knees and toes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Did you hear about the grape that betrayed his country?

He committed traisin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.

Tomorrow they will give a special press release.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A midget just groped me

It was a short squeeze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eothred
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...

She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tc_lion0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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What do you call getting squeezed by two llamas?

Getting llaminated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HermansWerman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful

In fact, it was gourdjuice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
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What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tv_JeT_Tv
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.

I just couldn’t concentrate.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Popepepe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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How does Jesus make tea?

Hebrews it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I don’t know we call childbirth β€œdelivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called β€œtakeout”?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why some people bang on the side of the ketchup bottle while others bang on the bottom of the ketchup bottle?

Me: No. Why?

Him: To get the ketchup out.

Told to me by my grandfather-in-law as I was banging on the side of the ketchup bottle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roonerspize
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
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Family group chat asking my Dad about the giant bottle of Mustard he bought

A pump? No, I just refill a smaller squeeze bottle to fit in the fridge.. but I relish all the comments you guys made. - Bryan (59)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hali_Stallions
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My wife said that she really enjoys 1-to-1 conversations.

So I woke her up at 12:59 for a chat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Did you hear about the police detective with the secret clamp collection?

He had a vice vise vice.

It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectMeat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Double whammy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaseAub12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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What’s the difference between an engine and my girlfriend?

An engine can suck, squeeze, bang, blow, but my girlfriend can’t as she doesn’t exist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spacedynasaur
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The elusive Del Monte Python
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skyefx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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Why are big jugs better than small jugs?

Big jugs pack a lot of punch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catsask
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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I put a scrunchie on my horse today and she loved it.

It's her new mane squeeze.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chuck_Finnley
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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Brain Sucker

I learned this from an old girlfriend's dad when he did it to her little sister.

Dad: Puts his hand on top of kid's head and squeezes to imitate a rhythmic suction. Then he says "You know what this is?"

Kid: "No what?"

Dad: "It's a brain sucker, you know what it's doing?"

Kid: "Sucking my brain."

Dad: "Nope! It's starving!"

This one gets me every time!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beat1706
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
There once was a family of moles...

A daddy mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. One day the daddy mole popped his head out of the ground and said, "I smell cookies!" The momma mole squeezed through the opening of the hole next to daddy mole and said, "I smell ice cream!" The baby mole tried popping out of the hole, but couldn't squeeze between his parents. He said, "All I smell is molasses..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KataKataBijaksana
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Squeeze it’s trunk until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.

Tomorrow they will give a special press conference

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosh1990
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that was fired from the orange juice factory?

He couldn't concentrate!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISFJ-T
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
🚨︎ report

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