My friend told me he could tighten bolts with his butt

Personally, I think he torques out of his ass

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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I just let my wife know that we're going to really have to tighten up on our spending...

Everyone else should do the same. The world economy is going to crash. If 50 cents isn't worth anything, we're all screwed.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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Saw some cows on the roof playing poker...

It was high steaks.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EverythingAndNot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Its tightening its grip on me
πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NameViolation666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Did you hear about the anime about cutting loose?

It’s called Attack on Tighten...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Shoe laces

Wife calls me over to the computer.

Wife: Honey, can you take a look at these shoes for our daughter? They are shock cord bur I don't see a tightener. And I dont know if they tie.

Me: Well, maybe they are Vietnamese.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/latherer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Golfer stung by a bee!

Friend asks " where did you get stung?" Female Golfer replies "between the first and the second hole" Friend says "you ever think about tightening up your stance a little bit"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraspacial
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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My Home Depot Manager got us together for serious store meeting. He asked who was breaking all the lumber in the wood aisle.

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImVladimirPutin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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I may get promoted or demoted for this one.

I was at work and saw my manager walking around with a clock.

I lick my lips,

My muscles tighten,

All I hear is my heartbeat.

My manager and I make eye contact. The words come out almost instantly:

"Looks like you've got a lot of time on your hands, sir."

He maintains eye contact for a second and walks away, but I could hear his soul groan.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotVampire
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2016
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How I knew I was a dad...

My son was playing his upright bass and there was a rattle coming from it. I suggested he tighten up the peg on the bottom, which fixed the rattle. He told me they should get rid of those pins, because a kid gets stabbed five or six times a year.

I said they should just stop that kid.

The resulting look confirmed it... I'm a dad.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
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Classic tie joke

So dad comes home from work and shows me how his tie has the long part at the front, and the short part at the back for tightening, and he says,

"Now if I roll these parts up to the top, together, and then let go, which part will unroll and hit the bottom first?"

"Um, the shorter part?"

He looks down, rolls up his tie, releases it, then looks up at me.

"It's a tie!"

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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