I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
Boyfriend is shaping up to be a great future dad.
Me, reminiscing about friends: "I just love my debate family so much."
His response: "Why? All you guys do is argue all the time."
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 27 2014
I once told a girl that her body was shaped like a ketchup bottle.
She took it as a condiment.
π︎ 78
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
If you can't appreciate this, please furgive me
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.
I said I would triangle back to that question later on.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
If you told me you were a U-shaped stringed instrument
Well, then Iβd say you were a lyre.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Well this one really grew pear shaped
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
I am sooo out of shape...
Yesterday, I changed my mind twice and broke out in a sweat.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
My friend found a custom pc case shaped like a boat.
I told her "I hope the USBs are portside"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
In which James Bond film does he find out Earth isn't shaped like an egg?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Bought my wife a castle shaped abacus for her birthday...
Itβs the fort that counts
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?
Just look at that escargo.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
How does Judy from Zootopia stay in shape?
She does a lot of hare-obics!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
How do witches stay in shape?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag
The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
When migrating birds fly in the shape of a V, do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
That side has more birds.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I don't know whether dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour exists, but I'll believe it when I see it.
You can say I'm agnocchic.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My New Years resolution is to finally get in shape.
Round... possibly pear... I havenβt decided yet.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
This summer when I dug potatoes from my garden, they all were shaped like a letter from the alphabet...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Iβm in great shape except for my pudgy midsection.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck
But it quacked under pressure
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
The Hills are Alive
π︎ 36
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
When I play battleship I like to arrange my ships in the shape of states...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
My ADHD medicine comes in a case shaped like a 3-sided polygon where each side is the same size, and the pills are distributed uniformly.
It's an equal Adderall triangle.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Ever wonder how spider makes a circle-shaped web perfectly?
Because it's sΟder we're talking about.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
I don't like rectangular shapes
i prefer triangle because they're kinda acute.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
I made this video in good humor only... please do not take it as offense in any way, shape, or form!
Life as a Stay at Home Dad (honest humor nothing against Stay at Home Dads)
As as an aspiring father figure, I have the greatest respect for dads of every kind. In fact, much of this stems from the fact Iβve grown up from the age of 6 without a father of my own. I made this video as a comical representation of what I hope to be one day: a guy full of dad jokes and such humor.
Thank you for reading and enjoy!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo
π︎ 27
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
What is the horniest shape?
π︎ 57
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
I am trying to get in shape by running on my treadmill every morning
But I dont feel like I'm getting anywhere
π︎ 71
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
My home's ply was in a bad shape
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
What do you call a boat made of potatoes shaped like male genitalia?
π︎ 102
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
Most of my friends don't know that I'm actually a shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
I bought this dumb novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Which kidney to take?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
I told my Dad that my boyfriend has scoliosis.
He said heβs glad to know his backstory.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
They said constructing viagras office building to be shaped like a penis would be difficult
But I didnβt expect it to be that hard
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 20 2020
Why did the baker switch to dog shaped rolls?
He always wanted a purebred.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
What animal is shaped like a square ?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
My friend found a custom pc case shaped like a boat.
I told her "I hope the USBs are portside"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
When geese are migrating they form a "V" shape, but do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
