People say puns are just bad dad jokes.
I don't think that could be father from the truth.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
5YO: "Dad, I'm hungry AND DON'T SAY HI HUNGRY I'M DAD"
Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
Lettuce pray.
*very proud of this joke, wrote it yeas ago and it still makes me laugh every time. 😎
A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
My girlfriend says she can’t see too well without her glasses.
So I asked her what numbers she could see.
What does a vegan zombie say?
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
My dad always use to say ‘Two heads are better than one.'
A wonderful father.
Terrible surgeon.
What did the sniper say to his girlfriend when they broke up?
How do you say "Sup dawg?" in Japanese?
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together we can stop this shit
What did the 0 say to the 8?
A farmer takes a rest on a bale of hay. “I love my job” he says aloud. A sheep replies “All you do is boss me around all day!” The farmer, clearly upset by this statement, responds “What did you just say??” The sheep replies:
You know what they say about hindsight!
What did the clock say when it got hungry?
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
What did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What did the dollar say say to the 4 quarters
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
How does a French skeleton say hello?
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
(sourced from r/Jokes by u/Deadly_R)
What did the wolf say when he wanted to leave for a trip?
Let's GOOOOOoooooooooowwwww
(my 7yo daughter made this up and had me breathin hard through my noise for a split second)
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
What did one block of cheese say to the other?
I can’t stand people who say data we all know it’s pronounced...
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates? (and other monster jokes from a book I had)
Countdraculations.
What is 5m. tall, hairy and flies at 2,179 km/h?
A King Kongcorde.
What do witches use to know the hour?
A witch watch.
What do you call a chicken spirit?
A poultrygeist.
And one mine:
What do you call a house inhabited by a chicken spirit?
A hen-ted house.
What did the shooting star say to the journalist?
What did the blue sheep say to the red sheep?
Voting third party is a waste.
They say you should test your fire alarm at least once a month...
But it’s costing me a fortune in houses...
What do you say to an electrician that has no confidence?
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
What did the Master Chief say when he discovered that he married a Harry Potter fan?
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
What did the Germans say when they lost WW2?
Two chefs are working on a meal, the first chef is caramelising onions when some spill out the pan, the second chef says “what happened? Onions can’t jump by themselves”
the first chef responds with “they can if they’re spring onions”
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers"
Two time travelers walk into a bar
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
A wife says to her husband: "Honey, I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving."
The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."
(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)
People say filling animals with helium is wrong.
Okay, whatever floats your goat!
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
What did the emporar who lost his castle say?
What does a cannibal say to a person he just met?
Nice to meat you
(and then he eats you, in the flesh of an eye)
What did the lumberjack say after cutting down the whole forest?
What did the calculator say to the math book?
“You have a lot of problems, but together we can work them out.”
What did the beach say to the ocean?
Quit giving me all these crabs.
My wife says I change subjects too often when I'm talking to people.
I'm glad it rained today so I don't need to water the lawn. Anyone else feel like pizza for dinner?
What does a cow say when he's in a dogfight?
How do lawyers say goodbye ?
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
What did the car salesman say when he left the party?
What did the zero say to the eight?
What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
What did the hulk say during speed dating
In hulk voice: "hulk tired of just smashing, hulk want meaningful relationship
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What would an easily frightened Jewish man say?
I don't know. I don't speak Skiddish.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
What's it gonna leave, Ethan? HUH? Say it. I DARE you.
Ramadan is starting today. To all my Muslim friends who are observing this holy month, I have one thing to say.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
Cow farmers say their job is hard, but...
...I think they're just milking it.
What did the fallen horse say?
Help I have fallen and I can't giddy up!
What did the mustard say to the other sauce when they went for a run?
What did the Frenchman say when presented with the finest mattress?
What did the letter A say to the letter O?
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
What do kitties say when they get hurt?
What do you say to a German baker?
What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself on a 4K TV?
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Between you and me, something stinks!
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
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