My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

πŸ‘︎ 315
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I met a pretty cool guy who fixed my ripped shirt.

He seams legit.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I ripped my pants yesterday.

It was pretty em-bare-ass-ing.

Edit: May or may not be based on real events.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cylasbreakdown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend had the left side of his body ripped off in an accident.

But the doctor said he’ll be all right.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was not worth the trip.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Naught
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally ripped a page off my dictionary

After re-checking it, I found out that little to nothing was missing.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tuvalve
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the sock ripped?

he went to the gym regularly

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maneshabuwaneka
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
After years of obstructing my view, I ripped off the rearview mirrors on my car.

Since then, I haven't looked back.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMA_SWEET
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.

It just goes from Bad to Worse!

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crowkiller06
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are priests so ripped?

Because they're always exercising

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrueAidooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does God look so ripped on all paintings?

Because he was the body builder.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrazilBazil
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
last night, my wife dramatically ripped the blankets off me

Don’t worry i’ll recover

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMeDownSanta
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Once my dad ripped two juuls at once and said...

"I have my juul citizenship"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoinkKing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a logger who's ripped?

Lumber-jacked.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayce_likes_beans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.

I have to draw my own conclusions.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?

He had the right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe a branch ripped our tent.

It’s tearable.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TT8L
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt...

or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My 11 year old and I were at a grocery store. I got one of those flimsy bags to put peaches in. The bag ripped, my daughter laughed. I looked at her said oh no, I had a Bagcident. She stopped laughing.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheeriomartinez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Overheard heard from an honest to goodness dad in the airport: Oh no, I ripped my sock...

Darn it!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gugalgirl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
[To someone with ripped jeans] Did you go to church in those jeans?

Because they’re really holy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usereddit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend lied about creating a cloth that can easily be ripped to remove sleeves...

It was a tearable fabrication!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent ages at the gym trying to get a ripped body

but it just ended up in tears.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elokwins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Jesus so ripped ?

He did Crossfit.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wakanda4eva4eva
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off?

E-gypt

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeeman757
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the old, ripped rope say to the young strong rope when asked if it can still be used to tug a boat?

I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingofthepassel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
You hear about the guy who got his eye lid ripped off?

Luckily they were able to replace it using his foreskin. Only problem was he ended up a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jayC137
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call ripped magician?

Dumbbelledore

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting ripped, bro
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-------2-------
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend got so drunk one time, he ripped up all his car's upholstery...

He's in recovery now.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Ripped the knee of my pants today. Guess ill be using them for church from now on..

Since they became holy and all.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondeddd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
/r/funny didn't appreciate this ripped guy I saw at Walmart
πŸ‘︎ 398
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcuz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Ripped a candid one today

I went to a grocery store down the street for the sole purpose of getting a big bag of Chex mix. The cashier rang me up and said,

β€œYou want a bag for that Chex mix?”

I replied, β€œthat’s okay. It’s already in a bag”

He either didn’t get it or didn’t think it was funny but I was very pleased with myself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Wonder22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy just ripped a piece of paper and made a joke about it...

It was tearable

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Que00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Kid, you ripped the paper

No, I properly ripped it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gogsee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the librarian say when they realised all the pages of animal farm were ripped out?

Orwell.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BD8D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I once knew a pen that drove a paper car which always seemed to be ripped.

He was a tearable Parker.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maximus_Gainius
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my girlfriend that I had ripped my pants. I shouted from the other room, "Honey, come check out this big ass hole in my jeans!"

She was not pleased to see me grinning and pointing at myself.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habituallysuspect
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I ripped my Indian girlfriend's dress by accident

I told her I was sari

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the paper say after it was ripped in half?

β€œOh man, I feel tear-able”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a horrible accident in my town yesterday. A kid was playing with a yo-yo and it somehow got caught in a car's bumper. The car took off and ripped the poor kids arm off.

The driver was arrested for armed robbery.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyquill81
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got the entire left half of his body ripped off in a horrible accident at his factory job that he had to support his family, and now he might die, or even worse, become a brain dead vegetable that is only an economic burden on his already poor family?

He's all right now :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigHummer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.

But I will recover.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night, my girlfriend dramatically ripped the blankets off me...

Don’t worry I’ll recover.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My tailor was happy to fix my ripped shirt...

Or sew it seams.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Jesus so ripped?

He did CrossFit

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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