This Christmas, we were talking about older puns and I said: You canβt say Iβm single..
because I HAVE dated references.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 25 2018
TIL Older forms of English kept Latinβs gender-specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor is for men and trix is for women. So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. A male fighter is a gladiator, a female fighter is a gladiatrix.
This contrasts with the modern system, where tor is for both men and women, and trix are for kids.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because itβs pasture age
π︎ 28
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︎ Jun 26 2020
I might be getting older, but I still don't need glasses.
I drink straight from the bottle.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
π︎ 112
π
︎ Apr 24 2020
I really don't mind getting older ...
But my body is taking it badly.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 30 2020
Someone told me that getting older is like making a soup and continually adding more spices in as you age.
I guess that explains why all these old folks are so salty.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 21 2020
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 09 2020
As I get older and I remember all the people Iβve lost along the wayβ¦
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnβt for me after all.
π︎ 39
π
︎ May 16 2020
Prehistoric Dad: Son, your older brother is training to be a Hunter. Do you understand what that means?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 19 2020
I want to be like the Andrex dog when Iβm older
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 12 2020
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 19 2020
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And thatβs how I lost my job as a bus driver
π︎ 167
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︎ Feb 01 2020
My daughter was getting older and needed a new support group...
So my wife helped her be fitted for some very nice bras.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 10 2020
Now are children are older, I get to appreciate my wife, a Fun, Attentive, Tender, Caring Old Woman
Sadly, she just focuses on acronyms though
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 22 2020
My older kid likes to eat frozen corn for a snack
But he is being rationed to one bowl a day right now and he already had his today. So when he asked me for more just now, I told him he couldn't because he's on cornantine.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 29 2020
My older bother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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︎ Feb 21 2020
As I get older and my eyesight gets worse, I can only think of one thing:
When will I get adult super vision?
π︎ 241
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 47
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︎ Nov 14 2019
I was driving and saw an older man going 20 in a 60 zone.
My wife said, "Everybody is going to be passing him" I chimed in, "Not if he passes first."
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π
︎ Jan 17 2020
My older brother flushed his keychain down the toilet today.
What are some puns that involve both keys and flushing?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 03 2019
They say that as you get older, the first thing to go is your memory...
But I can't remember the second thing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
π︎ 139
π
︎ Oct 09 2019
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 31 2019
My daughter asked me who is older, the sun or the moon.
When I answered that the sun was older, she said:
"The moon is older because she can go out at night"
Well played.
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︎ Sep 25 2019
What do you call an older trans-person?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
What does an older gentleman and not mixing your food enough have in common
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 23 2019
I get older...
π︎ 28
π
︎ Aug 23 2019
To the older readers, have any of you ever smelled mothballs?
How did you get their little legs open?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
You know whatβs the worst part of getting older?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
What did the Baltimore man call his older girlfriend?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
What did the spider want to be when it was older
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 16 2019
Growing up I couldnβt do math unless I was sitting in someoneβs lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that Iβm older...
I canβt count on anyone
π︎ 28
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︎ Aug 23 2019
Cardi Bβs older sister Carlie C has a chain of grocery stores.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 30 2019
A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....
The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 05 2019
Q: Which of your senses tend to diminish as you get older?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 30 2019
My son's getting older and worried about going bald, so I advised him to get a tattoo of a rabbit on his head. He just stared at me confused, so I said...
"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"
π︎ 6
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︎ Jul 16 2019
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentineβs Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. β€οΈ
π︎ 195
π
︎ Feb 14 2019
As the jumbos get older
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 15 2018
I'm getting older now and my grandson asked me if I talk to myself.
Yes I told him. Whenever I need expert advice.
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︎ Jun 11 2019
What do you call the older Ford models?
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 05 2019
(one for the older folks) Just for the Record....
A person born in 33 was 45 in 78
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 19 2019
Oh look it's the older model Stone laptop
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 21 2019
My doctor me, now that I am getting older, I need to install a bar in my shower.
π︎ 4
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︎ May 19 2019
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me
I Skipped pasta grade
Ok Iβll leave
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 11 2019
I really like older music
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 26 2019
The older you get the more practical your Christmas gifts get. This year my wife and I got a vacuum.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 29 2018
I've got some really fond memories of the older Fast and Furious movies
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 06 2018
My older daughter asked me why Mommy is so tired after breastfeeding our baby all day
I told her:
Breastfeeding is tough for Mommy, it really takes a lot out of her
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 22 2019
I was driving my German girlfriend around in my older banger, the heavy rain clattering against my windshield. As the journey went on, I realised that she has this really weird obsession with snakes.
She kept telling me that I need vipers.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 30 2018
Why did the bilingual man get a sex change when he was older?
Because he was a trans-later.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 12 2018
Did you know that your eyesight actually gets better as you get older?
It's called adult supervision.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Aug 30 2015
My son was complaining that his older brother threw a deck of cards at him.
I said, βWhy donβt you deal with it?β
π︎ 25
π
︎ Oct 02 2018
My wife is 2 years older than me
But in a few years we will have the same age.
When I am 30 years old she will be 30 too.
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 10 2018
Iβm writing a book about a person who learns to take better care of their hair as they get older
Itβs a real combing-of-age story.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 24 2018
Dad is an older muslim gentleman, I remember this from when he was in the hospital a few years ago.
Nurse: "Your doctor should return in just a few moments with your test results."
looks at dad
"Oh, we also have a new room for religious practices if you wanted to do some prayers?"
Dad: "God, were my test results that bad?"
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 28 2014
My wife is two years older than me...
But in 5 years we'll be the same age, I'll be thirty and she'll be thirty too
π︎ 44
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︎ Aug 10 2018
My wife is 4 months younger than me. I told her I missed the time she was older than me.
Because when I was 30 she was 30 too.
π︎ 183
π
︎ Nov 20 2017
My older bisexual brother was going to college, all I said was
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 09 2018
TIL: During the Ming dynasty, there were two princes Hu and Yu ready to take over the throne. Hu was older, but a unlucky man.
Hu died and made Yu king.
π︎ 24
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︎ May 26 2018
A clairvoyant woman had an older brother who was always angry and a younger brother who was blissful to the point of naΓ―vetΓ©.
Thankfully, she was a happy medium between the two.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
An older gentleman got me in Wal-Mart
I was coming around a corner and almost bumped my cart into his
Me: Oh I'm sorry, excuse me, sir!
Him: It's okay, I have cart insurance!
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 04 2015
I'm finding that as I get older, I am becoming more and more resistant to change. It makes me uncomfortable, and I try to avoid it whenever possible.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Apr 30 2014
I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
π︎ 51
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︎ Jun 18 2018
An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack
The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."
Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 29 2018
What do you call an older irrational number who goes to the same school as you?
π︎ 67
π
︎ Apr 24 2016
How did the older dog know the puppy was his son?
He took a Pawternity test
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 03 2018
The older, the wiser.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 10 2018
I have just learned Gary Numan is three weeks older than Gary Oldman.
...SO NUMAN IS OLDER THAN OLDMAN BUT OLDMAN IS NEWER THAN NUMAN!!!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 09 2018
My kids will appreciate my humour when they are older.
Son : I told your Tom Jones joke at school today and nobody laughed.
Me : Where did you tell it? Outside in the playground?
Son : Yes
Me : It must be an inside joke then.
π︎ 702
π
︎ Oct 21 2014
If you fuck a hot older chick you fuck a cougar but if she's married she's a cheetah
π︎ 70
π
︎ Jan 07 2017
An older gentleman at Walmart asked if I knew anything about whether parsley farmers got their wages garnished.
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 14 2017
Rock bands lose their edge as they get older
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 23 2018
You know, the older I get, the more I see myself becoming just like my dad.
Itβs really becoming a-parent
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 26 2018
When I am older, I am going to have a child.
That way I won't just be a joke, I will be a dad joke.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 09 2018
Most older Englishmen prefer Earl Grey.
But most younger Star Wars fans prefer Girl Rey.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 05 2018
My dad used to have me convinced he could stop the rain by snapping his fingers it was not until I was a little older that I realized
He would snap his fingers when we went under over passes....
Thought this belonged here.
π︎ 95
π
︎ Sep 01 2015
I like Peter Gabriel's older music. It has a certain...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 19 2017
Now that I'm getting older, I'm not as sharp all the time as I used to be.
But since I'm a professional musician, my colleagues all seem to appreciate it.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 10 2017
What happened when Winnie the Pooh grew older?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 21 2016
I'll tell you when you're older (x-post from r/funny)
π︎ 139
π
︎ May 10 2013
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Sep 02 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 101
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 09 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 26 2019
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.
Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 13 2019
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
π︎ 177
π
︎ Mar 13 2019
As i get older and remember all the people ive lost along the way, I think...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasnβt for me
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 09 2019
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
π︎ 152
π
︎ Apr 01 2018
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