I hear that Legolas from the Lord of the Rings had an older brother, but he died before Legolas was born.

His name was Legofirst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiteOwlNov
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I was named after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhm_i_dont_know
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Prehistoric Dad: Son, your older brother is training to be a Hunter. Do you understand what that means?

Son: So I gather.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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My son was complaining that his older brother threw a deck of cards at him.

I said, β€œWhy don’t you deal with it?”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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My older bisexual brother was going to college, all I said was

Bye bi brother

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tom_that_guy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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A clairvoyant woman had an older brother who was always angry and a younger brother who was blissful to the point of naΓ―vetΓ©.

Thankfully, she was a happy medium between the two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/In_The_Comments
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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Older Brother (new dad) dropped this at Thanksgiving.

My little brother finished the rest of the shrimp. And my older brother says "I guess he was a little shellfish".

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notsincetheinjury
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
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My father told me in that my older brother used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

But he turned himself around

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2016
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Older brother dad joked his coworker today.

A new African American employee of his walks into his office and asks "Do you guys have a colored printer here?"

To which he responds, "Dude it's 2015, you can use whatever printer you want!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vloaded
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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I didn't get this one until I was older, when my brother was told the same "story."

Dad: "You know, we're actually descendants of one of the oldest native tribes in this part of the country, right?"

Me: "Really?"

Dad: "Yeah, The Fagawee tribe. I remember when I was little, your grandpa took me on a spiritual pilgrimage through the forest. He drank a lot and smoked some native herbs. The herbs didn't seem to be working, though, because as it got darker, we seemed to be walking in circles. It was cold in the woods and we seemed to keep coming across the same old log. Finally, in the middle of my dad's spiritual trance, he fell to his knees in a clearing, raised his hands high, and proclaimed "We're the Fawagwee!"

Translation: ("Where the fuck are we?")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cookyflukemegg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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I love telling dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robar98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Is Uncle-joked a thing?

So, I broke my foot four days before my wedding. And after a bunch of concerned texts and calls, I posted a status on Facebook that basically said "Thanks for the concern, I went to the ER and everything is going to be OK so I'm focusing my time on wedding planning now instead of worrying about my foot."

To which my uncle replies "You really should see a doctor, wouldn't want to start out on the wrong foot."

πŸ‘︎ 968
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNamesNotTaylor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2014
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Have you heard of Post Malone’s siblings?

His older brother is called Pre Malone and his middle brother is called Present Malone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/donttextspeaktome
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

πŸ‘︎ 453
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xyaMega
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
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So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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(Long one) a kid was told to learn the first four letters of the aphabet

He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"

Mum: Shut up and go away!

Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?

Dad: 180!!

Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?

Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?

Brother: driving my little red car.

Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

Teacher: whats the first letter?

Kid: Shut up and go away!!

Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT

Kid: 180!!

Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN

Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?

Kid: Driving my little red car

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Not a dad yet but I think I'm ready

I was going to the store with my brother to buy some thread.

Him: "why are we going to the store?"

Me: "I need some thread. Only thread though. No thblue or thgreen".

He said he got a headache from that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antwa_Kallos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2013
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When my dad forgets my name...

I walk into the room, and my dad almost calls me by my older brother's name (we look a lot alike).

Dad: Oh hey Ry... uh.. Chuck, Henry, Fred. What do we call you again?

Me: Thanks dad..

Dad: I like Fred, I'll call you Fred. He chuckles and says: Go help bring in groceries.

Me: .....

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steviefrench
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Dadjoked by my brother.

My friend, my older brother and I were talking about the sorts of fetishes our past SOs were into. My brother is quiet for most of the conversation, but chimes in near the end:

Him: "I dated a girl in grad school who had a fetish for being quiet."

Me: "Really?"

Him: "Yup. She called it a fetissssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

...

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dspman11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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My Dad's simplistic Jokes that I now find funny

Side Note: I'm older and moved out of the house and I find these jokes funny now. I just found this sub and wanted to share a piece of my childhood.

When I was around 10 years old, I jumped in a pool and instantly started shivering. My dad looks at me and says "Did the turtle go back in the shell?"

Another time, my older brother was making a sandwich and had it finished sitting on a plate on the counter. My brother turned around to put the stuff away in the fridge and in that minuet my dad walked up stairs grabbed the sandwich and walked back down stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurchman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
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While watching Jeopardy...

The winner of tonight's Jeopardy's name was Denu (de-new). After it was over, I turned to my wife and said, "You know, I bet he has an older brother named De-old."

She threw a tennis ball at me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hazc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2014
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Bald Dad Jokes are great

My father has male pattern baldness and my older brothers hair is beginning to thin out and one day when my entire family including my grandparents were sitting outside my mom pointed it out by saying.

"Rob, you're starting to lose your hair."

Within seconds with a straight face my dad just peaks up with.

"Oh honey don't worry about him, he's not losing his hair he's just getting more head!"

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skybel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2013
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My dad is the epitome of this subreddit, so I want to share one of his ultimate go-to stories:

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparty_party
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Dad Poem for Harambe (Closer Remix)

So pull thay baby closer

Like that kid in your enclosure

That Harambe call his home

Shoot a bullet through his shoulder

Pull the sheets right of the corner

Of the haystack that he stole

From his brother back in jungle

Harambe's never getting older!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KappaKeppa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2017
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Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Let's Go To Vegas!

My older brother texts my Dad and me today and says, "Let's go to Vegas tonight." Never one to be interested in gambling, my Dad suggests going to one of the nearby Indian Reservation casinos. The problem is, the local casinos have only card games - so my brother responds with, "Nah, no craps."

My Dad's response, "Then just take one before you go."

I chortled.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phanfromcheese
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Dads take on vegetable based rock bands

This is an older story, I think it was roughly 98 or 99. My little brother was getting into rock and was listening to Limp Biskit and Korn. He saved up some money to get a CD so my dad took him to Sam Goody. My little brother gets the newest hit record by Korn and brings it to the counter and check out. With my dad by his side, he places the record on the counter and the late nineties rocker chick, loaded up with tons of eye liner and hot topic wear working the cash register says "oh yeah! I love Korn, I know everything about them, I have all their records." Without a fucking second thought and the straightest face, my dad says "I guess that makes you a little corny."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LDdesign
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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Dinner today...

Little sister "What about the chicken?" Older sister "You mean Turkey?" Ls "Whatever, same difference." Os"You're a chicken." Brother "I call fowl." Me "I'm game."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/virrenelf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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My dad on IT

Older Brother: "Maths is really simplified when it comes to music. All you need to do is count to 4."

Dad:"Nah, it's even easier when it comes to computing. You only need to count to 1."

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GregorSD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Kind of a dirtier dad joke but my dad said this when I was 12 and it was hilarious.

We were on a road trip to the cottage and we stopped at a service center to get gas, food etc.

My brother and I go to the washroom urinals and we are both taking a piss. My dad walks in the washroom and says "Oh, so this is where the dicks hang out."

I Didn't understand the pun then but I appreciate how funny it is now that I'm older.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1337Scott
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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While talking about which football teams we support...

Younger bro: I probably won't support Chelsea as my London team anymore...

Older bro: I would support Brentside as your London team

Dad: Do you know who I support in London?

Brothers: Who?

Dad: a wife and three kids :D

My mum groaned but we (brothers and I) appreciated it...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tessie999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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My wife will make a great dad...

My wife and I were visiting family last week, and with my wife's older sister and 7-year-younger brother, he was asking us about forest fires. Discussing having a fire pit in your backyard during a fire ban:

younger brother: What's the penalty for starting a forest fire, like, if there's a ban?

wife: firing squad

me: =D

everyone else: ಠ_ಠ

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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My father...

My older brother works construction, and is around a lot of loud noise. He came home the other day and said, "My ears are ringing like crazy!" My dad lowers the newspaper, looks over his glasses and replies "Well did you answer them?" I then divorced him as my father.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathanfraser1
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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Dadjoked the guy whose kids I babysat a while ago.

When I was in high school, I babysat 2 boys (who at the time of this story, were aged 7 and 10) for some extra cash. One day I was eating dinner with the family when the younger brother said that he couldn't wait to be in the fourth grade like his older brother.

"It's not that great," said the older one. "Once you're in the fourth grade, you have to read a bunch of books for a summer reading log and write a report on one." (In my county, there are mandatory summer assignments, the most common ones are English assignments.)

Their dad said, "Summer projects are good! They help stimulate your brain over the summer! If you don't brush up on your education for those three months, you could lose all of your smartness and never get it back!"

Older brother: "Yeah right. And how did you find that out?"

Me: "Well, they do say that firsthand experience is the best way to learn."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lauralola
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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My dad on my brother buying a pair of Diesel shoes.

Ages ago when I was really young we went shopping so my older brother could get some new shoes, his eyes landed on a pair of Diesel brand shoes and my dad just says. "Why don't you buy unleaded?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doro1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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While filleting fish

My older brother when he was 12, "Dad, do fish feel pain?" Dad, "Do you hear the fish saying ow?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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I was named after my older brother

And before my younger brother.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cgg419
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I was named after my older brother

And before my younger brother.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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