The best anti aging cream is being antisocial...

Without friends, nobody tells you happy birthday...

Without birthdays, you're not getting older!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Whats the secret to that not aging immortal?
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Frequent nap taking slows the aging process.

Especially if you take them when you are driving.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to be in charge of my aging parents estate, but my brother was bitten by a radioactive lawyer.

Now he has the power of attorney

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.

Or was it memory? I can't remember.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veehon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Aging is hard. When I saw my first grey hairs...

I felt like dying.

πŸ‘︎ 367
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cross_beaux
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Aging gracefully

is just a nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Do you know the god who is in charge of the aging process of humans?

He is called as the MANAGER.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jokster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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My aging dad decided to enter a kickboxing tournament

He's not athletic, and he'd never fought before. I thought he was crazy to even enter it, but he said he had a plan to win: he would wrap his feet in underwear. I didn't see how that would help, but he surprised us all and went undie-feeted.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What is an aging magician's best friend onstage and greatest enemy in the bedroom?

Misdirection

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a 17 y/o that stops aging?

Constantine

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wherearemylegs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
🚨︎ report
It turns out Keanu Reeves did a movie back in the 90s where he played a High School student who stopped aging.

It was called β€œConstant Teen”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.

It was about time!!

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robconone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem

A minor inconvenience

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesus_the_gamer69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gradymegalania
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I learned lock-picking at an early age

It has opened many doors for me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iomstmstdom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop boobies around the age of thirteen...

...and boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The wife looked concerned when my son showed an interest in electricals at the age of 5.

He asked about the neutral wire.

I said "don't worry, its just a phase."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d3adeyeduck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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You shouldn't discriminate against first graders based on their age.

That's just sixist.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Griffy_42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: when I was your age I ran a maratho

Son: you mean marathon.
Dad: no I didn’t finish it.

πŸ‘︎ 306
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the difference between girls/women aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78

At 8. You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18. You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28. You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38. She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48. She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58. You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68. If you take her to bed, that will be a story. At 78. What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you ???

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...

Arthrites.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliptical_orbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call teenagers who pee in their pants at the age of 14?

Peenagers

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/burijazz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
They found bones of a homisapien who lived before the ice age. Some say he was the first hipster...

since he lived on the earth before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gunjeepcigarbeer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If old age is catching up with you ...

... walk faster.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vk6flab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is dark written with a K not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Mechatronix
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently until the age of 10 ,

Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty, shat on the wall

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the time period between the Bronze and Iron Ages where humans learned to cure meat?

The Sausages.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked if I picked my nose when I was his age.

I told him β€œno, I was born with it”

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edisonsucksdc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What is an appropriate age to tell my highway it's adopted?

I feel like the 66 route is a little late

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWhenWrong
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Ive been reading this book called β€œThe A to Z of Northern Europe”, but it’s taking me ages...

Not sure I’ll ever get to the Finish

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamdecal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Middle age is when you have the choice of two temptations....

.....and you pick the one that will get you home earlier.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Out of all the inventions of the Bronze Age...

The shovel has to be the most groundbreaking of all

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harvie_B134
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the worst part about being a letter carrier in the middle ages?

All the chain mail.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
We all know it
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?

A boomerang

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueandgoldilocks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I like all cheeses, those blue ones, those aged ones, even those sliced ones...

but why does Trump want to make America grate again??????/

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piggysam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
This aged well
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pragalbhv
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the Russian word for dry-aged steak?

"Moss Cow."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

πŸ‘︎ 351
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Like most people my age...

I'm 50...

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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This aged well
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.

He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
It's true whiskey improves with age.

The older I get the more I like it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herumdegumff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorModalus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?

Moataboat

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ade_mcc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.

He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"

"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."

πŸ‘︎ 659
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that middle-aged people are the happiest?

Yeah, they’re halving the time of their life.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zotiko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I feel like I've regressed to an earlier age because of all the social distancing.

I'm now a quaranteen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. β€œWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...

β€œWow!” I said. β€œWas it some big corporation?”

β€œNo.” He replied, β€œI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Fetched this somewhere
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A rich occultist tells his Butler to get him some aged bourbon

He summoned spirits of long ago

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pig from the dinosaur age?

Jurassic pork.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IWaterboardKids
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Aging is hard. When I saw my first grey hairs...

I felt like dying.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cross_beaux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was it called the dark ages?

Because of all the knights.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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