2 old puns are better than 1, drawings by friend at work
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
you know what drives old people up the wall?
From my 7yr old daughter: Why was the pig covered in ink?
Because he lived in a pen!
So very proud!
A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: “And what is the best thing about being 103?” the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
In the old days, excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime.
It usually resulted in a long sentence.
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
What is an Air Fryer's favorite food? (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Air-vrything.
I'm so proud.
Help me out: need some rockstar/music themed food puns for my 3 year old’s birthday party!
Having a small party for my guitar and music obsessed soon-to-be 3 year old. Wanted to put some signs next to the food to make it more on-theme. We’ll be serving:
Chicken nuggets
PB&Js (in the shape of guitars)
Veggie tray
Fruit tray
Water & juice
I’m struggling to think of stuff. So far I only have
Nirvana Nuggets (which I realize isn’t even a pun) and PB&J Richie Samboraches. Lame, I know 😂 Help me out if you can think of any more!
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...
She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."
I want to tell a vaccine joke
My 8 year old daughter is a dad in the making
Daughter: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
Daughter: Europe
Me: Europe who?
Daughter: No I’m not!
Proud papa right now
I can't stop thinking about Bruce willis movies. I guess old habits
Where did Noah keep his old bees?
Dad’s old postcard still cracks me up
I fell asleep last night while reading old magazines.
I woke up this morning with back issues.
What do you call an old, grumpy Avatar that comes back and ruins the economy every time you send him away?
What was Old MacDonald's favorite toy as a child?
From my 10 year old son: Why did the coffee taste like dirt?
My 8 year old finished eating dinner
8yo: "There, I ate!"
Me [points at 9yo]: "Good job! She nine."
8yo: 🤔?
9yo: "Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You ate. I nine?"
8yo: "Daaaad!"
Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly ?
I have got loads of back issues.
What do you call an old-school linux user who also likes to go to clothing optional beaches?
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, I’d get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.
I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
I hate it when I see an old person...
....and realise we went to school together.
From my 8 year old: Dad, how do camels hide from predators?
Me: Their fur is the same color as the desert so they blend in.
Her: Exactly! They camel-flage!
I walked right into that one lol
March Madness from my 3 year old
How did you know the basketball game was in trouble?
Because it was in timeout!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
*credit to my 9 year old daughter
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
An old friend once told me he hopes I fall into a deep hole filled with water. .
But I know he means well.
Because of his enormous debt, Old McDonald has to sell his farm.
To cover what he e-i-e-i owes.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
Old McDonald built up huge debts....
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well!
What do you call a 70 year old Mexican?
Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.
He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"
Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...
Joke from my 10 yr old: How do hobbits judge their designs?
An original from my 5 year old daughter: Why was the egg itchy?
Because it had egg-zema.
She's suffered from eczema since she was a baby and I'm glad she can find humor in it.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)
You buy it from the cat-alogue
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly ?
I’ve got loads of back issues.
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