Senile Puns

I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.

A cuckoo clock

He keeps talking about a river cruise across Egypt!

DAD: Not really hon. After 70 you can pretend to be senile, and be a kid again.

You know the drill. AK47s, skimasks, the works. Anyway, they tell everybody to lie down on the floor. All the people in the bank hits the floor but this old man. He is still standing. So, the robbers tells him, not very politely i might add, to lie down on the floor.
Old man: "Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm CIA"
Robbers: "We don't give a shit, get on the floor NOW!"
Old man: "Nope. I'm CIA."
Old mans wife: "Walt, for Gods sake. You're not CIA, you're senile!"

After receiving the bill at a restaurant, my grandpa would put his BC Care Card face down so that all you could see was the magnetic stripe.

After trying to run it through a few times, the server would flip the card over and realize his "mistake".

The server would return to the table, embarrassed for this senile old man, and explain that he gave her his Care Card by mistake.

My grandpa would then wink and say "I just wanted to show you I Care."

So I'm due to be a dad in the next week or so, and I have been putting off learning some good dad jokes and I'd like to have some prepared for the foreseeable future since I need these til I pass on or go senile. But that's in Africa so I don't think I'll ever senile. (1st attempt?)

So, my girlfriend and I were at her grandparents house today and she was saying hi to her grandpa. Now, her grandpa is 87 years old and a little senile so you have to ask him if he remembers you. So she was asking "who am I?" and he was still quick on it saying "well you should know by now!". It made me laugh real hard. I really didn't expect a response like that

Back story for joke: me and my buddy were told this joke when we were somewhere around the age of 12 by his grandpa. The joke: two frogs are sitting in the bathtub when one ask the other to pass the soap. The other frog looks at him and says "what do I look like a type writer to you?". The aftermath: as the old man walked away laughing and pulling up his glasses as he wiped tears away, we stood there confused. I thought by now being 24 I would understand the joke but I still have no idea if the old man was just senile or messing with us. God help me....

The last few weeks have involved my grandmas senile boyfriend moving back to his kids' house while she deals with some medical issues. His kids happen to live on a ranch, so he's helping them out with the critters while he's there. While helping him move in, my dad finds a straw hat out on the porch. So my dad tells him

"Hey Frank, I found you a pilots hat."

To which the innocently senile Frank replies "A pilots hat? What do you suppose I'd do with that?

Dad replies "When you see some shit, you pile it"