For my next car, I’m going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife bought 9 pillows for our bed claiming it's a necessary aesthetic

But I think it's unnecessary fluff.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AureliusCM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Waymo than necessary
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gsanchit05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Didn't think it fit r/boottoobig, didn't know where else to put it. Please advise if necessary
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it necessary to keep talking about dried up grapes?

Because it’s raisin awareness.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoVeryKerry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Years ago at my first IT startup we thought we'd caught a big break when we were asked to set up the campus network at a major college. However, the project eventually fell through when they failed to secure the necessary funding.

I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kalibabka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad says stopping Iran is necessary to avoid war.

I said β€˜how does my not running solve anything?’

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why aquatic mammals are even necessary.

I mean, what porpoise do they serve?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FickleFoundation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Not my proudest post, but necessary
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Are adult diapers really necessary?

Depends.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"

Me: "No it doesn't”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Pet store

A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
English for foreigners... When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hates all these word play jokes, she said I need to stop

I replied: I can’t! Im addicted, how can I quit?

She said β€œany means necessary”

β€œNo it doesn’t” I replied

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!

And now The Cure is no longer necessary!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend is getting tired of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked him how I could stop my addiction.

He said "Whatever means necessary." I answered "No it doesn't."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/municipalplant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What is a winners favorite Christmas song?

No L.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Froskr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2016
🚨︎ report
An Astronomy Lesson

One of the most interesting objects in the night sky is a fuzzy patch of stars known colloquially as the β€œSeven Sisters”. In order to find it, first find the constellation Orion, and follow the direction his Bow is shooting.

No thanks necessary, we aim to Pleiades.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
🚨︎ report
College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks β€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: β€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stopwatch9120
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Free Legless Bird

No perches necessary

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterbill
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Knock knock. Who's there?

Isabelle. Isabelle who? Isabelle necessary on a bicycle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad out dad-joked my dad-joke.

Necessary Terminology: Toonie= Canadian $2 Coin

Friend's Facebook Status: "Laundromats aren't so bad when you find a toonie in the drier."

I commented: "If the drier cost $2, you could call it a wash!"

I was sort of proud of my dad-joke, so later that day, I told my dad the story.

Dad: "Do you think she'll be arrested?" Me: "No, why?" Dad: "For Money Laundering"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/druman55
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm tired of the political signs people put up around every construction zone

Construction is necessary to keep our roads maintained. Please take your "End Construction" campaign signs down.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BackwoodsCoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The Oxford comma...

...is necessary, critical and essential.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report
How to walk

Step 1. Repeat step 1 if necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Access_Denied316
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad at the hospital (after having a vasectomy)

my dad had these tubes in his nose, with oxygen when he woke up, and the nurse was around doing medical stuff..

Dad: Is these tubes necessary? can I take them out?

Nurse: I can try turning them off?

nurse is turning the medical ventilator off ...

My dad grasps for air

Nurse jumps in shock turning the ventilator on again and turns to look at my stupid father laughing

Nurse: "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

My dad was pretty woozy at the time and still he made the practical joke of the year

Haha! ahh I love that old bastard..

πŸ‘︎ 293
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mons388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2013
🚨︎ report
24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Pillowcases

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/payne_train
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Helen Keller Institute

Coworker A: β€œ... then I was at the Helen Keller Institute.” Me: β€œThe Helen Keller Institute? I’ve never seen or heard of it.” Coworker B: β€œThat was horrible.” Me: β€œbut necessary”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paladdin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Taking life one muffin at a time may leave you with muffin left.

Is an explanation really necessary for this?

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovelesslion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2015
🚨︎ report
[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, involuntary sneezes. Some are more deft than others, and are seen by the universe as more worthy outlets. But they do not own it.

We can get close to elusive heart of dad humor, we can approach it, we can dance around it...but we can never touch it. This is where I take issue with posts like this one, which currently has over 4000 upvotes and 2000 net karma. Is it reminiscent of dad-like punly-ness? Would a dad chortle heartily at reading it? Yes, almost certainly yes. But does that make it a dad joke? No...I would argue not.

Dad jokes are also not just about the jokes themselves. They're about the response--that he manages to be surprised at his own genius, even on the eightieth repetition. They're about the face-palms and straight stares of family members. What is a dad joke without context?

My proposed solution: ban link/image posts. I wish it wouldn't have to come to that, but I can't see another way to get back on track to the real goal here. I have hover zoom--I understand the desire for instant gratification. I've skipped over interesting looking videos because they required a click.

But that's not why I come here.

I understand that there are legitimate dad jokes transmitted via text, or perhaps requiring a bit of visual context. At this point, though, I think they are a necessary sacrifice for a righteous cause. They can always be transcribed into text, or included in a self-post. Maybe it seems a bit extreme, especially in the face

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
🚨︎ report
I think I've taken this one to a whole new level

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
He got me out of nowhere.

It just happened, and it may not be the best, but it was just so perfect I had to share. Father comes out of the laundry room, holding a penny. He shows it to me, and says we have to hide it from the cops. I, while drinking my fine cranberry juice, stop and ask why the hell that would be necessary. Without hesitation, he says we can't keep it, because it's laundered money. Halp..

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Braindead_Poet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Can't let him live this one down.

Years ago, my father and his wife were stuffing whoppers, sour patch kids and other assorted candies into stockings. He turns to her and says in all seriousness, "Did you just fart?"

She says no, of course.

Dad: "That's funny, because I smell a whopper!"

Additional info if necessary - Whoppers are chocolate covered malt balls.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototypexx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2013
🚨︎ report
The universe aligned and offered this Fine shot.

Sorry for the image. It is necessary.

http://imgur.com/t0kfUdj

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sal6a
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2016
🚨︎ report
My mom had a pretty good one

At Perkins the waiter asked her if she wanted bottomless coffee. She said, " No, that's not necessary. Plus it'd spill all over the table"

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/doctorflash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
🚨︎ report
Im getting nowhere with my dad's Christmas list...

Me: "What do you want for Christmas?"

Dad: "A sweater always works...although I do have your mother and she sweats enough for both of us!!!!!"

This was through text message, so yes all those exclamation points are necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SiriuslyPadfoot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
🚨︎ report
FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Customer dad joked me..

This guy comes in all the time; he's a bit older, i'd wager around 70 or so, and he's always wearing these awesome bolo ties with sick button-down-shirts that have turtle patterns on them. None of this is relevant to the joke but i feel it necessary to at least give a bit of background.

Any way, he comes in, orders his pictures and when he came back to pick them up, he goes: "Hey, did I tell you what the hat said to the hat rack?" "Whaaa?" " 'Alight, you stay here, I'll go on a head' "

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shitgazelol
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why aquatic mammals are even necessary

I mean, what porpoise do they serve?

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
🚨︎ report
When do S and C sound the same ?

Whenever it's necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My local pet store had a bird contest....

No perches necessary.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes...

I asked her, "What can I do to stop my addiction?"

She said, "Whatever means necessary."

I said, "No it doesn't."

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.