Obligatory Puns

How is cricket like cake? They both need batters!

Son:"Dad do you think my new toy is cool?"

Me:"Actually, it's probably room temperature."

Because their husbands have “hallo weenies”. Lol happy holidays y’all.

Dad: Go stand in the corner son, it’s 90° over there

Even the cake was in tiers.

(Obligatory cake day joke.)

You can't beat it

He started clapping.

(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)

But I made this post yesterday that says otherwise.

Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think this says it all.

Henopause

But I think it’s growing on me! Eh eh?

1

I currently dont have capacity to do anything more.

Their leader was Stalin

The winner is the first person to cross the Finnish line.

Do you think there will be any Fallout?

Obligatory formatting from cell phone sorry.

Series of events that unfolded.

Laying in bed with wife she rips the tag off her pillows and says

Wife: I’ve been meaning to do this “bye-bye”

Me: geez Nancy pelosi

Wife : points at pillow it’s pillowsi.

There are a couple of downsides to Triangles.

If a mirror reflects all light ... Why can't you see yourself when you look at a picture of a mirror?

I said, "America."

Only one of them knows

He was haulin' oats.

He just back from driving my grandmother home from visiting her friend at the hospital. She's 87 in great health but does nothing but complain about anything and everything, even though she lives with family and has company all the time.

He walks back in the house and says "Wow I didn't even hear her complain once!"

My daughter made the megaphone with her hands and yelled "Can you hear me baba...did you go deaf!!"

...police held him for a while, then let him go.

An obligatory comment about this being my first post

My son showed me his watch. The time on the watch was changing sporadically: 5:24, 12:01, 8:39, 1:44, etc. He said, "Look! My watch is having a stroke!" My response, "I don't know about a stroke, I'd say it's more likely a short in its Trisynaptic Circuit."

While watching Penn and Teller: Bullshit. The episode is Sex, sex, sex.

Dad: "Hey Ejgamer, what are you watchin'?"

Me: "This lady who can enlarge boobs through hypnosis."

Dad: "You mean hypno-tits?"

Me: "Yeah but I'm pretty sure it'll be a bust."

Obligatory groans ensued.

It overswept.

^^Obligatory^^stolen^^from^^a^^friend

"Dad, will you please make me a sandwich?"

"POOF! You're a sandwich!"

I normally telegraph my jokes, but this one was totally natural... Talking to my wife about my sister's upcoming trip to DisneyWorld and how they were going in May...

Wife..."have talked to your sister about crowds because of the opening of Pandora at Animal Kingdom?"

"Yeh, they are going down opening weekend, but skipping Animal Kingdom completely, I bet it's going to be a real zoo there..."

Edit

Obligatory eye roll and groan.

"Holy crap, I didn't even do that on purpose!"

My friend had her Facebook taken over by her brother for the second time in two days. First post was "I'm gay" to which she posted the obligatory "Oh no I left my phone unlocked" status. Today her Dad made an amazing comment on the latest status.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: “...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, “To trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

Background:

Eating dinner at a friends house with about 8 people. I have no idea how, but we started talking about prostate exams, and how men would rather have slimmer fingers than bigger ones perform the exam.

Me: Yea, I would rather have someone with smaller hands do the exam, but I would prefer a male doctor than a female.

Friend 1: Do you think there are any homosexual male proctologists?

Friend 2: I'm sure some have slipped through the cracks.

Saw this picture on the frontpage

Read this comment: http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/2je1ry/weather_girl_wore_green_dress_to_work/claurx3

Me: Would you like your milk in a bag sir? Random Dad: No, I'll just keep it in the jug. Obligatory laugh because I work in customer service

Myself and my wife and our youngest son went for breakfast this morning and she spotted a Dyson bladeless fan on the counter pointed towards the kitchen. 'Oh look, they've got one of those Dyson fans', she says. Obligatory Dad reply 'That's kinda cool...'. 'Oh my God', with rolled eyes and attempt to hide behind her menu while I crack up laughing.

Every single time we leave a restaurant, an employee will give us the obligatory "Good bye!" to which my father says "See you tomorrow!" Makes the employees and I chuckle every time.

Driving past a field of hay with the Dad. as this is the 30 billionth hay field we've passed, it goes unnoticed by me. We've already made the obligatory hey!/hay! joke. Several times.

So I was completely off-guard when he goes 'You know what the Canadians say? Eh!'