An architect designed a bridge but he made a massive mistake.

He couldn’t get over it.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a massive Christmas tree at the weekend. The guy in the store asked "Are you planning on putting it up yourself?"

I said "Nah, I'll probably just put it up in the living room"

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kreevbik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on the beach and got hit by a massive wave of cake

It was a tiramisunami

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chubwhump
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I went to the zoo and saw 2 massive hairy apes, covered in cream and cherries on their heads..

Apparently they were Meringue-utans.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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How did Bill Cosby describe the massive earthquake in the Grand Canyon?

β€œThere was a schism in the chasm.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haaskivi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: I'm having a midlife crisis, son. I just took a massive dump.

Son: How is that a midlife crisis?

Dad: Because now, I feel so empty inside!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdorableFerret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.

It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiNinja40428
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I saw a giant, massive centipede!

it was 100 feet long

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VileTouch
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My toddler was having a massive tantrum until she found a grape on the floor. She ate it, and forgot why she was crying.

She was crying because she doesn't like grapes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The Catholic Church announced it is creating an MMO

Massively Multiprayer Online

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wofguy3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with massive boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PringyUK
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Massive leak in the bathrooom
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattleMana
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massive pile of cats?

A meowtain.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Almighty_Hobo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a Superman themed nightclub

Everyone looked really fly...

also there was a massive line for the cloakroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beastieboys1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm sad today, I lost my favorite spanner.

It's a massive emotional wrench.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kalle_022
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...

I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Massive fight at the curry house!

One man was left in a korma ....

Dad joke no. 67 copyright Crap Dad Jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/303AL
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
That would be a massive change
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenGamer7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a massive crack
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XGN_Carter1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
One time I caused a massive cold outbreak in school when I lived in MA

I made Massachusetts live up to its name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coconutcrackin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Hear about Massive lettuce recall?

I think everyone should Romaine calm.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pointy-sticks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.

My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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There was a massive cyber attack recently, the government is still looking for the hacker

I think he ran some ware

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dolizcny
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Massive Headache

I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.

Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.

We still laugh about that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jocsot101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Got wood? Well here’s a picture of my massive cock!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkOnOrange
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
BEWARE MASSIVE CRINGE ALERT

i was at a wedding and one persons suit was marvel characters and my dad says "well that's just marvelous"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kicks008
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My chef just told me there was a massive leak in the kitchen ceiling.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/giveen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a man that wasn't allowed to fart.

Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.

After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.

When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.

When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:

"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Found out I'm the worst plumber/electrician in the world when I rewired the toilet.

It was a massive shock to the cistern.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The Great Hall from Harry Potter is so massive it can fit 4 houses in it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gigler198
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My Cat has been very poorly lately..

..She's recovering from a massive stroke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just had a massive argument about our vacation.

I wanted to go to Cancun.

But she wanted to >!come with me!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
6:30 is my favorite time of the day

Hands down

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbahawks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Took me awhile, but I was finally able to get my hands in some Iranian money for my coin collection!

I'm rial-ly developing a respectable collection, lemme tell ya!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a Superman themed party.

But I had to leave early because there was a massive queue for the cloakroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Borg-ships suffer from massive electricle spikes?

Because resistance is futile

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report

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