Women are like the ocean. Vast,deep, and beautiful...

And once a month... It’s shark week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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Is there a vast difference between having a vasectomy and not having one?

Yes, there's a vas deferens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sybar142857
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Could the Uyghurs expand throughout the vast lands of Eurasia?

No, but Genghis Khan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Calcium
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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When the mods of this sub don't do their jobs

I guess they should MOD-ify the rules, lol XD.

This pun brought to you by my hatred for the vast amount of non-puns on r/puns recently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shyassasain
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Hope a large fraction of y'all have a sense of humour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simwalkedaway
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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How do you know pirates prefer voluptuous women?

They’re always hollering β€œa vast bootie!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G200Sleepr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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A man was incredibly worried he’d change a lot after his vasectomy.

His dr told him there wouldn’t be a vast difference.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonka88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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I thought sex would be different after a vasectomy...

There wasn't a vast deferens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Me, to my brother-in-law after my vasectomy:

You know what the biggest difference is between you and me? I'll give you a hint. It's a vast difference.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanOfAllTrades80
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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There is no way that men and women can be alike....

Because there is a Vas deferens ("vast difference") between them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00dw0rk3r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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Ended up settling on being a paramedic.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bsleffel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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What do a octopus and a human have in common?

They are both fairly dumb compared to the ultimately attainable intelligence of a biological organism given the use of cognitive enhancement utilizing vast computational resources.

(Yea that’s the joke, this is my first day on the job and I’m trying to impress the boss.) what am I saying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hisairnessag
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Need help with a pun, please

Hey guys. I need help with a pun, I've been thinking about it for a while and haven't come up with it. In Portuguese you informally say "xau" when you're saying goodbye to someone (sound's almost as the Italian "ciao"). I have a friend who always makes this funny pun when we're going our separate ways, he always says "Xau-sescu" (CeauΘ™escu - as in the Romanian dictator) and for a few months I've been looking for a nice comeback to that pun. I was looking for a way to incorporate the name of a dictator and the word "goodbye" (in any language possible), but so far I haven't been able to. Could you guys help me out? In my native language, Portuguese, I haven't come up with anything cool (my knowleadge in dictator's names is also not very vast).

Thanks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pauloliveira94
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
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[Fried Chicken Franchise] is moving to only serve wings from one side

It’s a vast right wing conspiracy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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I think I've taken this one to a whole new level

Dave is working at his job at the Time Travel Factory when his partner Bob comes back in his own time machine. "Come quick Dave!" he says "I just got back from the Middle Ages and have met a prince!" So Dave climbs into Bob's machine and they head to the Middle Ages.

They arrive at a castle and immediately meet the prince Bob was talking about. "Your Majesty" says Bob "Allow me to introduce my friend Dave. He works with me at the Time Traveling factory." As Dave bows, the Prince says "It is an honor to meet you my loyal subject. I am a Prince. My mother and father are Queen and King of this kingdom."

"It is even more of an honor to meet you, Your Highness" says Dave. "I have never met royalty before."

"It is indeed a rare honor for most subjects." said the prince. "Because of a strict guideline of pre-arranged marriage and inbreeding, there are only a small number of us around."

"Er...ok..." said Dave. "So tell me Prince, how vast is your kingdom."

"It is most large" said the Prince. "However my population has been dwindling lately. In recent months, I've had to behead a large number of my subjects. It fulfills my bloodlust and desire for authoritarian control by any means necessary."

Clearly uncomfortable, Dave turns to Bob and quietly says "I hate to say it, but this prince you've found is kind of a bummer."

Bob said to Dave "Well what did you expect, I told you. I have meta prince.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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We got my Dad a new mattress for his birthday

It was supposed vastly improve your sleep. After we set it up, we said, "Tell us if you like it or not, we can always take it back"

He said, "Hmm, I can't make a decision right now, let me......"sleep on it".

Damnit, he's good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gilly8885
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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Making dadjokes when you can barely talk isn't easy, but I did it.

At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2.2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper.

To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2.2 fucking million.

Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper.

OF COURSE I DID!!!

He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement.

One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says:

>"Cane-Dewey, are you alright!?"

I could barely breathe let alone speak. But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out:

>"No, I'm half left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cane-Dewey
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlekuribandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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Got my mum pretty good with this one

Was watching a travel show about a man walking the river Nile. The guys is talking about the vastness of the river so I turn to my mum and say "It's not that big that big this guy is just in denile". Mum groaned, brother laughed so overall happy with the result!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spezialk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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I thought sex would be different after a vasectomy.

There wasn't a vast deferens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JezyJezyJezy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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