One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"
"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
We have a decent sized backyard and I wanted the kids to experience hide and seek at a new level. I hired a carpenter and puzzle author to set up some walls and let me tell you, what they did...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?
Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.
My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.
I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me “how did you make them?”
“Well, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
My 9 year old told me this....What do you get when you cross a pig and an oven ??
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.
"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?
Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?
Me: I'm cheesier than you.
Wife: ...
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill.’
I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him is that a Fret!
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
I did my navigation task and it lead me straight to you...❤️❤️❤️
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
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