One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.

Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'

'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked β€œcan you see me ok?”

To which they answered β€œyes” β€œoui” β€œsi” β€œja”.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"

"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"

The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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We have a decent sized backyard and I wanted the kids to experience hide and seek at a new level. I hired a carpenter and puzzle author to set up some walls and let me tell you, what they did...

was a mazing

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins

I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isa5589
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, β€œI’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...

...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me: β€œYou’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...

so I turned on the closed captioning.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodblockprint
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What are we, you and me?

Personal pronouns.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leomonster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.

I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '

Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, β€œWill you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...

β€œI do!"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"

He'll come around eventually

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clouc1223
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I was making crumpets this morning and my wife asked me β€œhow did you make them?”

β€œWell, I asked them nicely.” - I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoosterBurger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me

Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlurredPrey87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 783
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 year old told me this....What do you get when you cross a pig and an oven ??

Bakin'

πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

They were the Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...

...talking to the wine."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"

She stops and ask "What?"

- "Your speed!"

She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"

- "What?"

- "Your hair!"

Oof.

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 298
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaploiff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you are offended by my dad jokes, don’t get mad and ask me to go to the artificial excavation filled with water.

I mean well.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulFromTheParty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
She said "Why are you holding that ugly great bee?" and I said "It's not ugly to me"

Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: I'm much better at making Mac and cheese, and you know why that is?

Wife: I'm going to regret this. Why?

Me: I'm cheesier than you.

Wife: ...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gameronomist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYou have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”

It was a third degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 486
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said β€˜if you need anything, I’m Jill.’

I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsRynGYT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?

A mooborn!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Singular1st
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.

I said to him is that a Fret!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I did my navigation task and it lead me straight to you...❀️❀️❀️
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hustle_champ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded β€˜Lola’ and β€˜You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...

I just have to work out a few Kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report

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