I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Coronavirus having a devastating impact on the stock market
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πŸ‘€︎ u/falafel_hotdog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I was devastated this afternoon, when my wife said my 5 year old son wasn't mine...

She said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What are you happy to lose the first time, but devastated to lose a second time?

Teeth

Note: I know. Not the usual pun seen in this sub-reddit. More of a dad riddle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeMainEvent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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My girflriend was devastated when she heard Bill Withers died.

I put my arms around her and said: I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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My wife was devastated when she found what that my nickname in college was β€œThe Love Machine.”

Because I sucked at tennis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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I was devastated when my mom asked me to be a pallbearer at my grandpa's funeral

This whole time, I thought his name was Dallas.

Side note, I told this to my parents at the visitation. They got a pretty good laugh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealtechnird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I'm devastated that my son has chosen a career in finance rather than taking over the family wheat farm.

He's going against the grain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthearistocrat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
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I was left devasted today after finding out my house had been robbed. They even took my Limbo trophy!!

How low can you go!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunit5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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Not my father
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πŸ‘€︎ u/69sloth
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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My wife left me because of my obsession with crosswords. I guess you could say I'm...

1 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Across

1 Severe and overwhelming shock or grief (10)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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We should be thankful for meteor showers...

... because "meteor bath" sounds like it would be devastating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anaconda386
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I have peaked Dad Jokeness

[Just some context]

Like my father, I sneeze loudly. I sneeze so loudly in fact, while walking my dog this morning, my wife heard me sneeze from 200m away, in our apartment.

When I got home my wife greeted me, "Hello, Sneezer."

I replied, devastated, "Et tu Brute?"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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What do you call a herd of cows jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder devastation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pa526
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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I asked dad to make me a sandwich he said, "Abracadabra, you are a sandwich"

Devastating dad joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebolakush
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England...

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. The Mexican people loved Mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that the Mexican people declared a National day of Mourning which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive. This day of course is May 5th or more commonly known as Sinko de Mayo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucy_dogg90210
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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Mr. Jones loses his poultry and drove of pigs in a vicious coyote attack one night.

Upon hearing the news, his neighbours and other farm owners decide to chip in to help him through a tough time.

With high hopes and heavy pockets, they reach Mr. Jones' farmhouse, only to see him merrily sipping lemonade on the porch. Confused, a person from the horde asks him, "Aren't you devastated?"

To which the farmer says,

No ham, no fowl

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theswarthyknight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Lemme hit you with some cow jokes

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call it when a cow jumps on a trampoline? Milkshake

That cow then jumped over a barbed wire fence. It was udder devastation.

I know, I really milked it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeneralFirenze
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dralnu22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
🚨︎ report
I was making dad jokes when I was just a kid

I came up with this joke when I was probably about 6 years old, and thought it would fit in here. I can still recall the day I came up with it. I was at school, and I remember being super incredibly proud of myself, 100% certain that everybody was going to lose their shit when they heard the joke. That night I told it to my family. They barely reacted at all. I think my mom gave a polite chuckle, and my sister just walked off. I was devastated.

Anyway, here's the joke:

  • What did the father say to his son?

  • You've got to be KIDDING me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Judo_John_Malone
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Mom laughed in the face of cancer with a dad joke this morning...

My mom is going in for a colonoscopy this morning. Maybe a polyp, maybe cancer, maybe not.

I hugged her this morning and said "Good luck."

She replied "Oh, thanks. I hope it'll come out alright in the end."

I was devastated. Damn!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rasalom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:

No Offense, Nun Taken

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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