Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
A satisfactory.
The match.
I'll never go thru the selfie checkout again!
Couldn't see anything in the store...
Aunt Teak.
He couldn’t make a Prophet.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
...an ogrecoat
The vacuum cleaner, because it sucks!
I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”... I don’t even know where that is!
It was great, but the bill was enormous.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...
How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
"Strangers' Things"
The broom.
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
This doesn't reflect well on the protestors
I am now a counter-terrorism officer.
Zebra
As they sit down, the husband offers to go get their dinner. First he waits in line for the roast beef. Then he waits in the line for the potatoes. He he waits in the vegetable line, the bread line, the salad line, and even the gravy line.
He finally returns to the table with two heaping plates of food. “What would you like to drink?” he asks.
“A glass of punch would be nice,” she says. So off he goes to get it. He finds a line for wine, a line for beer, a line for soda, a line for milk, even a line for water. After considering all of his options he gives up and returns to the table empty-handed.
Sometimes there is no punch line.
He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.
It was a difficult habit to kick.
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
I'm afraid they're grasping at straws.
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
A Satis-factory
At the PAWn shop
Alternatively: The FLEA market
It's a stocking cap.
We’ll call it “Lent”
Hash browns.
ba dum tss
The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.
For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.
Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.
I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.
The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.
Hey y'all. I have an açaí bowl food truck in Fort Worth, TX, and we've always had some pretty witty menu item names. For exmaple, we just took off "the Big Lebolwski"
We just added some things to our menu. Here it is: https://www.rollinnbowlin.com/menu
Anyone have a good funny pun name for our avocado toast? I'll post a picture of our menu on our food truck if someone gives me a really good name! And if you have any better names for any of our items, I'd love to hear them!
The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus!
Bob asked Tom, “what did you bring?” “A bottle of water, I’m sure to get thirsty in a desert” replied Tom.
“What did you bring?” Tom asked. “This sandwich. I figure I’m gonna get hungry what with all of the walking.” replied Bob.
Bob and Tom turn to the third man, and ask “Forrest, what have you got there?” Forrest said, “I have a car door, if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.”
But the cashier keeps putting them back.
The secret reward is called Waist of Time.
Well played, Blizzard, well played.
I thought hmmm.... that’s bazaar.
They called it a Somali.
I’m a making a killing
Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.
I was de-pleated.
It was replete with pleats.
