His pun skills are top notch
I’ve never met this guy but he posts food puns on every single food picture I post and he’s such a treasure. I always look forward to his puns now.
B.J really going for gold with his puns.
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
A little boy asks his dad, "Do trees poop?"
The dad says, "Of course. Where do you think #2 pencils come from?"
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. Nurse asked the rabbit what his blood type is
He replied " I am probably a Type O"
A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
I suggested my son wear a hi-hat for hat day at school but he said no.
Apparently he's not into cymbalism.
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
My friend tony asked me not to say his name backwards
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
Everyone tried so hard to figure out why Mr. Edwards changed his name to Mr. Evans
But after all these years, it's still a Mr. E
I swapped all of my roomates herbs with his spices
He hasnt noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin
An electrician came home very late when night and his wife said
"Wire you insulate"
And he replied "Watts it to you? I'm Ohm ain't I?"
This is the first Dad joke I remember hearing, and it came from my older brother.
(We're not grading for quality here, right?)
A hemp farmer noticed his cows were out in his hemp field.
He wrangled them all back into the pasture. Later he found them all back in his hemp field. It was the pot calling the cattle back.
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
Shop assistant fought off armed robber with his labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
What does a clam do on his birthday?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Pixar collection, except from one
He’s never gonna give you Up
Wow hi I've met my people on this subreddit
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
My buddy was showing me around his tool shed when he pointed at something and said, "That's my stepladder."
"I never got to know my real ladder."
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
How do you say hi to a chinese cowboy?
My dad told me his password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin
Because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital
where did captain hook get his hook?
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
I challenged my son, "Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left? Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "2." I yelled, NOPE!"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.
What do u call a mexican who lost his car?
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Where does frosty the snowman keep his money?
Nowhere! He has Snow pockets!
How does the moon cut his hair?
One of my friends was really in to fencing until his weapon broke
Apparently now it’s dull and pointless
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
His son asked him “What does it mean to be a Man?”...
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
I refuse to believe that my road work father was stealing from his job.
But when i got home all the signs were there.
You all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But did you know his brother Frank
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