Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.

Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bagabus
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?

It's a seize and de-cyst order!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: *grabs chest* Quick! Call me an ambulance

Son: You’re an ambulance.

Me: I’m.... I’m so proud of you.

dies

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Tried to grab the fog.

I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Honey, can you grab me some ankle socks?

No, they're feet socks, silly!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lillyofthedesert
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
πŸ…πŸ…πŸ… for grabs
πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeeBantu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you grab free money out of the air?

Ka-Ching

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/esherman92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Why should you never grab another person's facemask?

It's a 15 yard penalty and automatic 1st down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't cows grab things with their toes

because they lactose

(lack toes)

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kartrider69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
We were learning about politics and discrimination in class. Our teacher told us to grab colored pencils.

He then corrected himself. What he meant to say, was pencils of color.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Trying to grab some toilet paper among the crowd at Costco was really traumatic.

I think I have TPSD.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.

You could say I completely wiped out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kwoolery
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said 'I need to go grab my cardigan'...

I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time?'.
Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head. (Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
🚨︎ report
β€œCake Day” karma grab attempt: there are 2 kinds of people in the world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierdaddiesx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Despite all the dirt, I finally could grab a good photo of that metal milling facility reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Constant__Pain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do babies grab at car keys?

They are trying to get better motor control.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendlyCraig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A walking treasure chest full of gold grabs a random man and hands him over to a polite redditor. Redditor says:

Thank you for the stranger kind gold

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanu_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Today my son asked "Can you grab the bookmark?"

Absolute idiot. He's 13 and still doesn't know my name is paul.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bassicallybob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyosk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..

She says "Why? How much does it owe you"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxiosBellator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Strange kid grabs my hand. 'Sorry, he says, I thought you were my dad."

"That's ok, I say, I am often a faux pa"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vogon_lyricist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad was going to the store and i asked him to grab me some Busch...

Anyways, if anyone needs raspberries, i've got a bush now.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dancedude247
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I really dislike people that always grab the bottom bunk..

I just really think they’re beneath me

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/No7Jacket
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
The alarm is sounded at the batcave. Batman runs to the batmobile but it won't turn on. He tells robin to grab a new battery.

Robin says: What's a tery?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PB_Monk3y
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an insect that likes to grab falling columns?

A caught-a-pillar!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Viraljester
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Wife: could you grab a pear or two while you’re out? Dad: Pair of what?
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perspicaciousguy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
grab me something to drink youtube.com/watch?v=TyDEO…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CRobski
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Before we leave, grab antacid

and uncle alkaline.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy_Bayou
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to grab her purse

I told her that was a purse-onal problem

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bjbldg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
🚨︎ report
My 10 month old likes to grab my glasses off my face.

The last time he did it I was in the middle of a diaper change and my wife was in the room. She remarked "you missed a speck of poo" and I told her, "I can't see crap without my glasses!"

Hardest I have heard her laugh in a while.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/barnicalbill
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
🚨︎ report
My coworker tried to grab a heavy bag off the top shelf with one hand.

I told him he shouldn't do things half-grasped.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ooie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife: Will you grab asparagus?

Me: Why? We don't we don't need a back up agus!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pokerjokerau
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I want to grab just one asparagus...

Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedBanana
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
🚨︎ report
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance?

DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [...dies]

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Tried to grab the fog this morning

unfortunately, I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
i tried to grab fog one time...

..mist

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/seegerts86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just tried to grab some fog

But I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jamiejamie2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.

It is called Parking Son's disease.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to grab the fog this morning.

I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CecilBlight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Tried to grab some fog.

Mist.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wtf0208
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried to grab fog

but I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NSIHD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2013
🚨︎ report
I tried to grab the fog...

But I mist

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Supamcnasty83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2015
🚨︎ report

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