Daughter: Dad, can you pause the movie so I can grab a snack.
Dad: (grabs the cats paws and pushes them) Sorry, I'm pushing pause but it's not working!
Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?
It's a seize and de-cyst order!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Me: *grabs chest* Quick! Call me an ambulance
Son: You’re an ambulance.
Me: I’m.... I’m so proud of you.
dies
Honey, can you grab me some ankle socks?
No, they're feet socks, silly!
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
What do you call it when you grab free money out of the air?
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
Why should you never grab another person's facemask?
It's a 15 yard penalty and automatic 1st down.
Why can't cows grab things with their toes
because they lactose
(lack toes)
We were learning about politics and discrimination in class. Our teacher told us to grab colored pencils.
He then corrected himself. What he meant to say, was pencils of color.
Trying to grab some toilet paper among the crowd at Costco was really traumatic.
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.
You could say I completely wiped out.
My wife said 'I need to go grab my cardigan'...
I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time?'.
Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head. (Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)
“Cake Day” karma grab attempt: there are 2 kinds of people in the world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Why do babies grab at car keys?
They are trying to get better motor control.
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed “Ouch, what are you doing!!”
He says, “I’m applying the turn-a-cut!”
A walking treasure chest full of gold grabs a random man and hands him over to a polite redditor. Redditor says:
Thank you for the stranger kind gold
Today my son asked "Can you grab the bookmark?"
Absolute idiot. He's 13 and still doesn't know my name is paul.
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..
She says "Why? How much does it owe you"
Strange kid grabs my hand. 'Sorry, he says, I thought you were my dad."
"That's ok, I say, I am often a faux pa"
Dad was going to the store and i asked him to grab me some Busch...
Anyways, if anyone needs raspberries, i've got a bush now.
I really dislike people that always grab the bottom bunk..
I just really think they’re beneath me
The alarm is sounded at the batcave. Batman runs to the batmobile but it won't turn on. He tells robin to grab a new battery.
Robin says: What's a tery?
What do you call an insect that likes to grab falling columns?
Wife: could you grab a pear or two while you’re out? Dad: Pair of what?
Before we leave, grab antacid
My wife asked me to grab her purse
I told her that was a purse-onal problem
My 10 month old likes to grab my glasses off my face.
The last time he did it I was in the middle of a diaper change and my wife was in the room. She remarked "you missed a speck of poo" and I told her, "I can't see crap without my glasses!"
Hardest I have heard her laugh in a while.
My coworker tried to grab a heavy bag off the top shelf with one hand.
I told him he shouldn't do things half-grasped.
Wife: Will you grab asparagus?
Me: Why? We don't we don't need a back up agus!
I want to grab just one asparagus...
Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance?
DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [...dies]
Tried to grab the fog this morning
i tried to grab fog one time...
I just tried to grab some fog
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
I tried to grab the fog this morning.
I tried to grab the fog...
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