Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
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︎ Sep 22 2020
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
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︎ Jun 27 2020
What do you call it when you grab free money out of the air?
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︎ Oct 21 2020
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:
"I'm playing the toe tactic"
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︎ Sep 25 2020
π
π
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for grabs
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︎ Mar 10 2020
Why should you never grab another person's facemask?
It's a 15 yard penalty and automatic 1st down.
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︎ May 18 2020
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance?
DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [...dies]
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︎ Jan 22 2020
We were learning about politics and discrimination in class. Our teacher told us to grab colored pencils.
He then corrected himself. What he meant to say, was pencils of color.
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︎ May 12 2020
Trying to grab some toilet paper among the crowd at Costco was really traumatic.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.
It's called Parking Son's disease.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.
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︎ Mar 12 2018
Why can't cows grab things with their toes
because they lactose
(lack toes)
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︎ Dec 17 2019
Tried to grab the fog this morning
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︎ Dec 14 2019
I was running down the aisle to grab the last package of toilet paper, but I slipped and fell before someone else grabbed it.
You could say I completely wiped out.
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︎ Mar 22 2020
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︎ Oct 17 2019
βCake Dayβ karma grab attempt: there are 2 kinds of people in the world: those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
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︎ Jun 21 2019
Why do babies grab at car keys?
They are trying to get better motor control.
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︎ Sep 23 2019
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed βOuch, what are you doing!!β
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 29 2019
My wife said 'I need to go grab my cardigan'...
I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time?'.
Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head. (Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)
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︎ Oct 02 2016
A walking treasure chest full of gold grabs a random man and hands him over to a polite redditor. Redditor says:
Thank you for the stranger kind gold
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 28 2019
Today my son asked "Can you grab the bookmark?"
Absolute idiot. He's 13 and still doesn't know my name is paul.
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 27 2019
A blind guy goes into the closing store, grabs his dog by the tail and begins to spin. A worker shocked by the sight asked "sir may i help you please". The guy smiles and says.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jun 01 2019
As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..
She says "Why? How much does it owe you"
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 16 2019
Strange kid grabs my hand. 'Sorry, he says, I thought you were my dad."
"That's ok, I say, I am often a faux pa"
π︎ 34
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︎ Dec 20 2018
Dad was going to the store and i asked him to grab me some Busch...
Anyways, if anyone needs raspberries, i've got a bush now.
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 13 2019
I really dislike people that always grab the bottom bunk..
I just really think theyβre beneath me
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 17 2018
The alarm is sounded at the batcave. Batman runs to the batmobile but it won't turn on. He tells robin to grab a new battery.
Robin says: What's a tery?
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 09 2018
Wife: could you grab a pear or two while youβre out? Dad: Pair of what?
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 20 2018
What do you call an insect that likes to grab falling columns?
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 03 2017
Before we leave, grab antacid
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 20 2017
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︎ Dec 27 2016
My 10 month old likes to grab my glasses off my face.
The last time he did it I was in the middle of a diaper change and my wife was in the room. She remarked "you missed a speck of poo" and I told her, "I can't see crap without my glasses!"
Hardest I have heard her laugh in a while.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 01 2017
My wife asked me to grab her purse
I told her that was a purse-onal problem
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 09 2016
My coworker tried to grab a heavy bag off the top shelf with one hand.
I told him he shouldn't do things half-grasped.
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 20 2016
Wife: Will you grab asparagus?
Me: Why? We don't we don't need a back up agus!
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 25 2016
I want to grab just one asparagus...
Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 27 2015
i tried to grab fog one time...
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 19 2020
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.
It is called Parking Son's disease.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 07 2019
I just tried to grab some fog
π︎ 30
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︎ Sep 02 2018
I tried to grab the fog this morning.
π︎ 20
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︎ Oct 19 2018
Tried to grab some fog.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 07 2017
I tried to grab fog
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 23 2013
I tried to grab the fog...
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 15 2015
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