While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."

The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:

"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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I trained my dog to fetch me a beer

It may not sound too impressive, but he gets them from the neighbor's fridge

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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After a lot of tries, I finally taught my cat to fetch the newspaper.

You know what they say, practice makes purr fetch

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Tonight, we fetch in Ballhalla!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrankTheTank107
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Dude, can you please fetch me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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I heard the story about the dog who traveled 5 miles to fetch a stick, but I didn't believe it because it was...

too farfetched.

πŸ‘︎ 270
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StumptheTrump1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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Years ago, I was sent to a large stable to fetch the horse belonging to The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. I immediately knew which one it was...

It had a purple rein.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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What is a rubber dog’s favorite thing to fetch?

An ela-stick

Ok I’ll admit it: that one was a bit of a stretch.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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Fetched this somewhere
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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What do you call a rodent that fetches sticks?

A lab-rat!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Why do dogs like fetching sticks?

They think it's good for their bark

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.

I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My son asked me what procrastinate meant.

I said I'd tell him later

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...

I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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I fetched a pail of water and ate a whole KFC family meal to myself...

So that's two things I can cross off my bucket list.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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I heard that scientist are trying to genetically engineer a pig to have wings.

It seems far fetched to me. I'll believe it when pigs fly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukurslf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.

I think that's a bit far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Why are Australian dad jokes the best?

Because they are koala tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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Why would Regina George and her Mean Girls be lousy dog owners?

Because fetch is never going to happen

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Curmudgeon4life
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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My grandfather claims that he had to walk 10 miles to bring water back to his village.

I think that’s a bit far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.

It may sound far-fetched but it’s true.

I watched it all unfold.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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How did the movie Mean Girls do so well

It sounds pretty average to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappySheep5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, β€œYOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

I went full sexist pig, β€œYOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”

She replied coldly, β€œNo, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

I guffawed, β€œI can’t believe that, show me!”

So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, β€œHEBREWS!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked β€œwhat’s wrong?”

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, β€œyou can talk?”

β€œYes” the well said, β€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns people”

β€œAlas” the woman said, β€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.”

β€œDo not be afraid” the well said, β€œI will take care of this.”

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManGood2002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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My dog retrieved a meteorite last night.

It was far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/j_m_h
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

That sounds a little far fetched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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I owe my mom a much better mother's day gift for this one

So I hear my niece running around in our house and also a dog running around with her and was immediately confused wondering why she and a dog were just running up and down the hallway. Then I went to see what was happening and she was playing fetch with the dog. So I asked my mom, "then why was she running? Is she simply so stupid that she throws a thing and tries to fetch it herself because for a second there she forgot whether she was the dog or the person?" To which my mom replied, "it wouldn't be farfetched. ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°) " ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/niji-ouji
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away...

I know, it sounds a little far fetched.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and bring it back...

Seems a bit far-fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cats_n_things
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Pun challenge

My mom told me this pointless story that I was sure was going to be a pun. What should this have been leading up to?

> I read about these two men who practiced log rolling tricks and traveled all over the country. One would jump right over the other one. They even had a dog trained to do tricks with them.

No points for "the aristocrats!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noumenon72
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2015
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People don't believe me when I tell them how far my dog will go to bring back sticks...

They think it's too far fetched, but he's a great retriever!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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A 900-pound dog once tried to retrieve a ball thrown over 200 miles.

But it was too far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flumanchu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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Feeling ruff? Mellon collie? Let me have a look at your lab report.

This seems far fetched, but you're just a little husky. Don't stop retrievin'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ksloop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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My friend was telling me a story about how his dog ran 5 miles to get his ball.

I told him that’s a little far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meade2113
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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My daughter made a dad joke

We were watching Harry Potter, and when he dive in the frozen lake to fetch the sword, I said something along "Wake up Hermione, you moron, you're going to freeze to death !".

My daughter then said "He's gonna die from Harrypottermia !"

I was so proud !

I then beat the little shit to death for doing a dad joke before me. That'll show her.

Mods : Sorry if this does not fit the sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoufPoal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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I'm 28 and engaged but no kids yet. I feel the dad within me.

Today, I went out to lunch with some fellas from my office, Dave and Mike.

We all opted for the "beer and sandwich deal": any beer < $6 and any sandwich from the lunch menu for $10. Can't beat that in Hoboken, NJ.

One of my coworkers ordered a Sam Adams something-or-other and our bouncy little waitress pranced off to fetch our beverages. When the waitress returned with our potables she placed a beer, amber in color, 1/2" or so foamy head, in front of my coworker and said:

"Sam?"

To which I immediately announced "No, that's Dave."

Laughs were had all around. I cringed at myself but I couldn't help it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmbridge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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What did the dog say to the overdressed tennis ball?

How fetching

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jericho-Clone21
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Someone once told me that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a kilometer away

It seems a bit far-fetched to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleepbleepblop_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Guys, did you hear about the leader of North Korea? I heard he's Il.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2011
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I throw my dog's toy short distances...

It's not that far fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toleary520
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Gardening with my parents...

...when I was younger, and my dad asked me to "fetch me the hoe".

Neither him nor mum were impressed when I called mum over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DivinePrinterGod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2016
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My mom jakes dadjokes

So I usually get the mail for my family, but one day I was fetching the mail, and a lizard came out of the mailbox. Since I am TERRIFIED of lizards, I naturally freaked and refused to fetch the mail ever again.

So last week my mom was getting the mail, and when she came back in, she said, "aghr, there WAS a lizard in the mail today!" and then she shows me a Geico advertisement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aghr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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Street names

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_ids
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?

Sounded a little far-fetched to me

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gl3nnsth3man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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