Why did Jesus stop selling items at auction?

He couldn’t make a Prophet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueVogueDino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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My wife says I’m addicted to auctions but she’s wrong. I actually stopped after going once…

...going twice…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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At an auction, I bought an old Nintendo game originally used by Queen Elizabeth.

Now I know how to properly use the royal wii.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Very funny yes
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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What do you tell your weightlifting partner when he loses an auction for a mattress?

Bad bed bid, bod bud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErichDonGubler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.

The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.

It was the grater of two evils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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All the props from the bay watch TV show recently sold at auction for well over the asking price.

When the winner was asked how she could justify the expense for old towels? Her response was that it is still the best way to dry Hoff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitespys
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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The local auctioneer has passed away.

He was somewhere around 30, 35? 35, 40.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
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I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I bought a crystal ball from an auction recently...

I figured it must be worth a fortune.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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What do auctioneers have to know to be good at their jobs?

Lots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunchybedsheets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Always go stoned to an auction.

Win or lose, you’ll be the highest bidder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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I sold my antique lasso at auction for $1000...

Talk about money for old rope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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Why was Jesus up for auction?

Because someone said God forbid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TryingToCareLess
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

I knew a Canadian plumber who was considering buying a toilet at an auction.

After a while he said, "Maybe I'll make a bid, eh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaryuSaryu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
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Was watching a car auction last night

My Dad and I were watching a car auction last night. A Corvette went for low money and I exclaimed "That's a steal!" to wich my dad replied "No, that's fiberglass!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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Got dad joked by a matchbox car at the auction tonight.

https://imgur.com/gallery/1o6Yu

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ejh3k
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.

But, I got out bidet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeechipmunk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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I'm going to start a dating auction website

It will be named E-Bae

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakeonaplane
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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checking

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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I once thought I had so much to offer that I thought about becoming...

an auctioneer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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In need of Rose puns

For a silent auction for a non-profit I'm helping with they need rose puns/play on words for the packages. It's a wine event as well. Here are some of the ideas I've figured out as well. Whine and Rows? Rose Colored Glasses Rose and Shone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acer5886
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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How can you tell that you are getting old?

You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dj_techguy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2017
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β€œI collect vintage time pieces.

When I see one I like at online auction, I put it on my watch list.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richardec
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2017
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Two Dads in a Semi

Riding down the road with a co-worker, I happen to see a "Sale" flag next to a cemetery advertising a land auction.

Me: "Hey look, the cemetery's having a sale. Wanna pick up a few cold ones?"

Other dad: "That's a sale people are dying for."

Me: "They had to put up a fence to keep to keep them out."

Other dad: "They were really digging it. Doesn't look like they have any takers though."

Me: "I bet there were a few under-takers."

We laughed for the next mile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2014
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once

...going twice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I was hooked on auctions after only going once...

...going twice…

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2017
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I fell in love with auctions after going once

...going twice

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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