What Do You Call Award-Winning Hummus That is Past its Expiration Date?

Posthummus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzagri
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Bought these expensive sausages, and my ungrateful kids won't eat them because, in their words, "they're past the expiration date".

Friggin' spoiled brats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Expiration Dates

This happened last February while my mom was about to prepare some lunch.

Mom: This hummus is dated 2-03-13 but I guess it's okay...

Dad: Well your face is dated 2-12-1964 but you don't see us complaining.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/storybookheidi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Expiration dates were the world's first spoiler alert.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryantheoverseer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
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My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled

I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?

Woo! Tang is forever!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I'm pretty sure the milk I drank was expired.

Call it a gut feeling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I ate some expired chicken recently

It sure tasted foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maaaaatt214
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Never eat expired Greek food.

You’ll falafel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StochasticTinkr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...

He died of old adage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titeman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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This license plate is expired
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinwride
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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This expired license plate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinwride
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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My subscription to the Scrabble Club expired...

Now they're sending me threatening letters!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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ABCDEFGHIJKLMN u/expired_lemonade QRSTUVWXYZ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expired_lemonade
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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We have some eggs that are going to expire soon. If you can make something with them...

It would be mayo nice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valahiru
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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I just couldn't bee-lieve Honey never expires
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneguy4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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If a sauce expires, will it be called Sausage?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acsrujan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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What do you do with expired milk?

You put it out to Pasteur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurelcook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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I Wanna Open a Discount Grocery Store Where Everything Expires In a Week...

...gonna call it Best By.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaserCop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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Do any of you have experience making Moroccan Rolls?

I found a recipe in a magazine but I wasn't sure about it because the recipe calls for thyme and a bunch of other spices. I had them all, but unfortunately they were all expired. I decided to make them anyways, took them to a party, and they ended up all being eaten, everyone thought they were delicious. I guess what they say is true.

People love that old thyme Moroccan roll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/revolut1onname
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I ate some alphabet soup last night for supper, I think it may have been expired......

Immediately after I felt sick and had a vowel movement. I better be careful because my next dump might spell disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyetalianman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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For my Bbq I decided to expirement by marinate all the meat in THC oil

The steaks have never been higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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How is it called when your cocoa expires?

Choco late

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yetanothersmile
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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Do perfumes expire?

In essence, they do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simonsini
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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You shouldn't put your expired cereals to the sink

because the sink might be Kellogged...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ub_maple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:

β€œHey, I peed in the sink”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswaterreallywet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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I told my wife, β€œI’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”

She said, β€œWhere would you find the time?”

I said, β€œThat should be easy. Next to the sage.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Is it ok that I drank my expired protein shake this morning?

The worrying has really been wheying on me.

I'll see myself out.

edit: a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigDB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
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My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she's home to ask her what she meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wteyart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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How do you tell if noodles are old?

If they’re pasta expiration date.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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I just purchased 3 months of satellite radio after my trial expired...

I guess you could say things are getting pretty sirius.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sconzen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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Breathing 101

Inspire before you expire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakens6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"

I'm looking for the expiration date.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brisquet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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"I dont know, it feels like the relationship was starting to go bad..."

"Did you go on an expiration date?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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My wife was eating a date.

She asked how you can tell if a date has gone bad.

I said usually the first sign is a lack of conversation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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I was Russian to the bathroom but I saw European.

Sorry.

^Also ^^what ^^^are ^^^^you ^^^^^doing ^^^^^^in ^^^^^^^my ^^^^^^^^bathroom???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0xFFF1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GringoDeMaio
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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Out of curiosity, I very quietly slipped an old Tic Tac into my mouth.

It was a silent expired mint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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I poached an egg for breakfast

I didn’t mean to. But apparently egg season ended yesterday and my hunting license expired. Who knew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wondering-knight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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My son unintentionally dad joked my dad

So my dad (known as gramps) has taken my kids for a week for a fun summer vacation. While they were all eating at a restaurant, he texted me a conversation that took place:

Kid: "How do I know when my chocolate milk has expired?"

Gramps: "Look at the cap."

Kid: "Wow, they got this at best by!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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My wife asked if our kids were spoiled.

I said, β€œNo, I think most kids smell that way.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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Do perfumes expire?

In essence, they do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simonsini
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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