I'm pretty sure the milk I drank was expired.

Call it a gut feeling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KROMATIXX_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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I ate some expired chicken recently

It sure tasted foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maaaaatt214
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Never eat expired Greek food.

You’ll falafel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StochasticTinkr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...

He died of old adage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titeman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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This license plate is expired
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinwride
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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This expired license plate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinwride
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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My subscription to the Scrabble Club expired...

Now they're sending me threatening letters!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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ABCDEFGHIJKLMN u/expired_lemonade QRSTUVWXYZ
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expired_lemonade
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Why didn't the expired dessert get invited to the party? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valahiru
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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What do you do with expired milk?

You put it out to Pasteur.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laurelcook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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I ate some alphabet soup last night for supper, I think it may have been expired......

Immediately after I felt sick and had a vowel movement. I better be careful because my next dump might spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyetalianman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:

β€œHey, I peed in the sink”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iswaterreallywet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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You shouldn't put your expired cereals to the sink

because the sink might be Kellogged...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ub_maple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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Is it ok that I drank my expired protein shake this morning?

The worrying has really been wheying on me.

I'll see myself out.

edit: a word

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigDB
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2014
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Expired dad jokes

Please post expired dad jokes here. My Dad expired in 2002 and I want his Dad jokes to live on. Here's one: "I need an aspirin." Dad: "Go sit on the stove." There are dozens of worse ones I'm going to recollect and post on this sub for the rest of my life. E.g., "What's the movie about?" Dad: "two hours." Needless to say, my family is suffering and will continue to suffer, thanks to my Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevekochscience
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
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I just purchased 3 months of satellite radio after my trial expired...

I guess you could say things are getting pretty sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sconzen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2015
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Do any of you have experience making Moroccan Rolls?

I found a recipe in a magazine but I wasn't sure about it because the recipe calls for thyme and a bunch of other spices. I had them all, but unfortunately they were all expired. I decided to make them anyways, took them to a party, and they ended up all being eaten, everyone thought they were delicious. I guess what they say is true.

People love that old thyme Moroccan roll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/revolut1onname
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...

... i told him his yawn was expired.

(sadly, he didn't get it)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fisherkingpoet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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We have some eggs that are going to expire soon. If you can make something with them...

It would be mayo nice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I just couldn't bee-lieve Honey never expires
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneguy4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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If a sauce expires, will it be called Sausage?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acsrujan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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Bought these expensive sausages, and my ungrateful kids won't eat them because, in their words, "they're past the expiration date".

Friggin' spoiled brats

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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I Wanna Open a Discount Grocery Store Where Everything Expires In a Week...

...gonna call it Best By.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaserCop2022
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2018
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I told my wife, β€œI’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”

She said, β€œWhere would you find the time?”

I said, β€œThat should be easy. Next to the sage.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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For my Bbq I decided to expirement by marinate all the meat in THC oil

The steaks have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
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My girlfriend left a note on my fridge this morning saying "this isn't working, bye"

I opened it up and it was working fine, so I'll just wait till she's home to ask her what she meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wteyart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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How is it called when your cocoa expires?

Choco late

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yetanothersmile
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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Do perfumes expire?

In essence, they do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simonsini
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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Breathing 101

Inspire before you expire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakens6
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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How do you tell if noodles are old?

If they’re pasta expiration date.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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Expiration Dates

This happened last February while my mom was about to prepare some lunch.

Mom: This hummus is dated 2-03-13 but I guess it's okay...

Dad: Well your face is dated 2-12-1964 but you don't see us complaining.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/storybookheidi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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Expiration dates were the world's first spoiler alert.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryantheoverseer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
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My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"

I'm looking for the expiration date.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brisquet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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"I dont know, it feels like the relationship was starting to go bad..."

"Did you go on an expiration date?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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I was Russian to the bathroom but I saw European.

Sorry.

^Also ^^what ^^^are ^^^^you ^^^^^doing ^^^^^^in ^^^^^^^my ^^^^^^^^bathroom???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/0xFFF1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2015
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Out of curiosity, I very quietly slipped an old Tic Tac into my mouth.

It was a silent expired mint.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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My wife was eating a date.

She asked how you can tell if a date has gone bad.

I said usually the first sign is a lack of conversation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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I poached an egg for breakfast

I didn’t mean to. But apparently egg season ended yesterday and my hunting license expired. Who knew.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wondering-knight
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GringoDeMaio
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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My son unintentionally dad joked my dad

So my dad (known as gramps) has taken my kids for a week for a fun summer vacation. While they were all eating at a restaurant, he texted me a conversation that took place:

Kid: "How do I know when my chocolate milk has expired?"

Gramps: "Look at the cap."

Kid: "Wow, they got this at best by!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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punny
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2011
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A store's membership card is called Inspire

Everytime the cashier asks if I have one I reply that it expired!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atothinath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Do perfumes expire?

In essence, they do.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simonsini
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report

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