Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
It's probably her menstrual sigh call…
“Sighs doesn’t matter, guys!”
At least that's what the sighentists say.
A cannibble.
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
They Ceasar.
---
Crosspost from r/actuallesbians: https://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians/comments/jys3ki/just_found_this_gem_on_facebook/
To get to the other sighed.
They are big metal fans
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
the snow balls
A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.
"moo."
The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.
He's interrupted again, "moooo."
The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."
The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.
"Oooooommmm-"
Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."
"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."
The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"
"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.
The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"
The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"
Their menu was titled “The Pie Rates of Penn’s Aunts”.
He says to the waiter, “I want a grilled... cheese.” The waiter says “what’s with the pause?” “What do you mean?” the bear inquires, “I’m a bear!”
to burns victims?
Now is glockamole.
I don't care, I'll eat it anyway tomorrow on my toast for breakfast at ate a glock in the morning.
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
I’m officiating a wedding Saturday and want to weave in some of your finest. Please share some of your best to help me deliver some laughs!
Edit: ... help me deliver some eye rolls and long nasal exhalations.
He got it from a second-hand store
This isn't where they be long.
It was a play-date!
I love foreign axe scents.
Harry: Oh my god! Was it serious?
Ron: No. it was Snape.
It was not a Sellers market
The P is silent!
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
They play it by ear
Nobu.
but they we're completely booked.
Nothing, they go bearfoot.
My daughter said this while discussing Valentine’s Day card ideas.
“We could put Swedish fish in them” “Yeah and?” “Then you write, you’re my SWEETEST fish”
I audibly exhaled. And I’ve never been more proud.
What do you call a person who dyes their hair from brown to red?
Transginger
My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair
Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay
Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly
She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds
Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!
Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!
My daughter exhales sharply
Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!
shunglasses.
