Made me exhale
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
*loudly exhales
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Unluckybeaver
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Nose exhale
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kekballz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!

Me: Today was an awful day at work

Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it

Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
It made me exhale through my nose, thought it’d be appropriate.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wrgould96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever my wife's on her period, she does this weird thing where she calls me up and just exhales deeply…

It's probably her menstrual sigh call…

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
People in a crowded hall were all exhaling in a competition to see who could exhale the longest. The most illiterate one butted in, saying;

β€œSighs doesn’t matter, guys!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chedderchees
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Deeply exhaling indicates a negative mood.

At least that's what the sighentists say.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
In a conversation with a coworker discussing lunch plans. I exhaled through my nose.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_eazy_life
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.

'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.

Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aabesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do Roman lesbians have sex?
πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmmaLately
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did exhaled cross the road?

To get to the other sighed.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What type of music do windmills like?

They are big metal fans

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaMammuth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Right back at ya buckaroo
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zector_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Smoking will kill you...Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you color a cactus?

With a Sharpie.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gngwarlord
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?

the snow balls

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shrek-fan-26
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
This one got me good.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyHallam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Penn’s mom had three sisters who owned a pie shop...

Their menu was titled β€œThe Pie Rates of Penn’s Aunts”.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A bear walks into a restaurant.

He says to the waiter, β€œI want a grilled... cheese.” The waiter says β€œwhat’s with the pause?” β€œWhat do you mean?” the bear inquires, β€œI’m a bear!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Majin_Buu22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Should crematoriums give discounts...

to burns victims?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I dropped my gun in the avocado dip. . .

Now is glockamole.

I don't care, I'll eat it anyway tomorrow on my toast for breakfast at ate a glock in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a nosy pepper do?

Gets jalapeΓ±o business!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BJoy92
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...

Once upon a time there was this lobster...

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__kitten
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Wedding Jokes Needed

I’m officiating a wedding Saturday and want to weave in some of your finest. Please share some of your best to help me deliver some laughs!

Edit: ... help me deliver some eye rolls and long nasal exhalations.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/engi-nerd_5085
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook

He got it from a second-hand store

πŸ‘︎ 474
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryansberc21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do some people post long jokes here?

This isn't where they be long.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My high school did a musical of a guy taking a girl out to dinner...

It was a play-date!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell.

I love foreign axe scents.

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Ron: Harry, come quick! Dumbledore’s been in some sort of accident!

Harry: Oh my god! Was it serious?

Ron: No. it was Snape.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to sell my old Peter Sellers DVDs the other day but failed to get the price I was asking

It was not a Sellers market

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arrow-s
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do phones ring?

Because they can’t speak.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twokewl101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The P is silent!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boom223
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do crows sit on electric wires? - To make long distance caws.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timetraveller1992
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
The opposite of Amen is...

Bwomen

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dufffer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?

Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a blind person know when to leave a party

They play it by ear

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poiuytrfg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Japanese ghost who's not scary?

Nobu.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
i tried to make reservations at the library,

but they we're completely booked.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pyrosthighs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rojob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do Grizzlies wear on their feet?

Nothing, they go bearfoot.

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Geography puns

What city never stops moving? >Rome

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/502323
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
🚨︎ report
There’s still time!

My daughter said this while discussing Valentine’s Day card ideas.

β€œWe could put Swedish fish in them” β€œYeah and?” β€œThen you write, you’re my SWEETEST fish”

I audibly exhaled. And I’ve never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/platypus_eyes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told my step mom this at breakfast

What do you call a person who dyes their hair from brown to red?

Transginger

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
🚨︎ report
I got my daughter so good today I stunned her into silence

My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair

Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay

Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly

She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds

Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!

Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!

My daughter exhales sharply

Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/obievil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
What does Sean Connery wear to keep other people away from him?

shunglasses.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ExdigguserPies
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.