The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"

The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, β€œWow, your dad’s a millionaire!?” I replied...

β€œNo, but he wants to be!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, "did you just hear that elephant?"

She's going to be a great dad someday.

Edit: predicted text

πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shredbmc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Just now w/my daughter at Zupas I gasped and pointed behind the cashier and said β€œoh no...

you have a leek” she spun around looking for water. Then she saw the bucket of produce. She was not amused πŸ˜’

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bagels
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....

Add the element of surprise.

πŸ‘︎ 877
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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Visiting the pyramids

I wasΒ exploring the pyramids and suddenly came across a beautiful golden sarcophagus.Β  The guide and I both gasped and farted at the same time, identical farts.Β  It was the first time I ever experienced a toot in common.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercman99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Why do people gasp when I ask them about my lost dog?

All I'm asking is have you seen my weiner? It's about about 18" long and likes to be rubbed... Doesn't bite.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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When I saw the price of the audiobook I let out an Audible gasp
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riz_lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner

Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Why was the writer kicked off of the movie set?

He was making a scene!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, β€œHoney?”

She gasped audibly and said, β€œYeah?”

I said, β€œHelp! My knee is made of magnets!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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People always say I’m stubborn

But I’ll never believe them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madano
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A harry potter joke.

Student: Ah Sh*t, I used the wrong ingredients...

Horace Slughorn: *gasp* do not use such vial language in this classroom!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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Today's class

Me: What's today's Criminology class on?

Friend: Cannibals.

Me: (gasps) A Hannibal Lecture!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiftymcnoggin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender reaches for some larger mugs, but as he places them next to the cups, it becomes obvious that even these will be too small for the pigs.

Seeing the man struggle to continue holding them, the bartender runs to the kitchen for help.

A cook emerges, holding several large measuring cups. "Sorry, I just used these to make a batch of cheese dip, but they're all yours!"

The man carefully plops each pig into its respective gooey yellow cup.

Arms exhausted, breathing heavily, he drops into a stool at the end of the bar, between his tiny friends and a beautiful girl.

He glances her way, gasping coyly. "Hey...I'm...Tom."

She smiles, having watched the whole ordeal. "Hi Tom, I'm Liz. And if you don't mind me asking..." she laughs, looking over his shoulder, "what was that all about?"

He glances back at the bar. "Yeah...sorry," he pants. "I wanted...to impress you, but...it turned out to be...a pretty cheesy...pig-cup line."

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I’m addicted to breathing

I would die without it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StUp1DId0T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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Telekinesis
πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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My GF was slicing tomatoes...

One of them slipped off the cutting board onto the floor and she gasped in surprise. I asked her what happened and she said "one of my tomatoes is trying to get away" So of course I replied "Well did you ketchup to it?" And then I giggled for the rest of the evening.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vercingetorix17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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My dads best one yet

My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her.

She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well.

My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically.

β€œOh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.”

He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrp17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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Dads anniversary joke

My folks have been married 29 years.

Dad looks at me last night and says

If I killed her when I married her, Id be out by now.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kroneksix
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2013
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What do you want for breakfast?

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KungFooGrip
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail)

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskydaisy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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I was making my way through Atlanta airport the other day when I noticed a man working on a broken escalator...

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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Got my husband good this morning

He told me we needed to clean out the toaster because "it was smoking."

I gasped - "It's not 18 yet!"

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GEEKitty
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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There’s a magician

who claims he can heal anyone with magical crystals. He announces to a crowd, β€œanyone who needs something healed, step right up and I can heal you with my powers!” Someone steps up, on crutches. β€œHi, I’m Phil, can you fix my leg?” He asks. β€œYes! Of course! Phil, step behind the curtain!” Answers the crystal guy. Then, another man steps up. β€œYou seem fine! What’s the problem?” The crystal guy asks. β€œI h-h-have ha-had this st-stutter since I wa-was five.” He said. β€œOk, I can fix you right up!” The crystal guy says, motioning the guy with the stutter behind the curtain. Then, he says some sort of chant, moving crystals around. Once he is done he shouts, β€œPhil, throw a crutch over to prove you’re healed!” A crutch goes flying over the curtain. The crowd gasps. β€œNow, sir, with the stutter, say something!” He shouts, showing off it worked. β€œU-uh Ph-Phil fe-ell d-down.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyyThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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eating at in-n-out with my girlfriends and our dads

dad: will you pass me the salt?
me: sure dad!
dad: * gasp * don't inSALT me like that!

me and my friends facepalm as the other dads highfive my dad...

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplybrowsing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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Overheard a Dad joke at the store

I was just leaving the grocery store the other day when a car alarm went off in the parking lot. The guy behind me carrying his kid gasped and shouted, "Hey! It's my favorite song!"

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasticVoyage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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What is the difference between a guy who falls from a 2 story building and a guy who falls from a 20 story building?

The first guy goes: *THUD*, "AHHHHH..."
while the second guys goes: "AHHHHH..." *THUD*

How about the guy who falls from a 100 story building?
He goes: "AHHHHH..." *gasps* "AHHHHH..." *gasps* "AHHHHH..." *gasps* "AHHHHH..." *gasps* "AHHHHH..." *THUD*

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinaBisk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
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My witty father got me with this long-con

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acollins144
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
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What did the botanist say when they saw their colleague was studying maple tree reproduction?

"GASP! That's indehiscent!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskeysFault
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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My dad's jokes can come at inappropriate times..

My mom fell down the stairs and injured her tailbone pretty badly, she calls out to my dad to have him take a look to see if there's any bruising. He takes one look, gasps, and said "holy shit! there's a crack in it!" my mom was not too happy with him!

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LynaM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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I heard that actress Reese what's-her-name got stabbed...

A gasping audience: Witherspoon?! Dad: No, it was with a knife

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamcan162
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Today my mom opened the pantry and a box of cereal fell off the top shelf and hit her head.

Dad (sitting at the kitchen table) "GASP A CEREAL KILLER!!"

I died.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshTacoquiqua
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
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dude goes to the doctor with some head pain

After explaining the pain the doctor decides to cut open his head and check it out for himself. The doctor gasps and calls over his assistant and tells him to look for himself. The assistant looks left and sees nothing right. Then he looks right and sees nothing left.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tonythepony666
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad dropped this one on me while he was helping me choose which undergraduate to go into...

Me: Sends a text while the website is loading

Dad: "I wonder if they have something in textology."

He proceeds to laugh like this is the funniest thing he's ever heard. Then between gasps:

Dad: "You'd be good at it."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cookies_Jush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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Total groan

Context: my SO is a cop

We r eating lunch and talking about his his night a work was and what happened. Then he stops and gasps! Me: what? Him: did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? Me: no, why? Him: they each got six months

He was so pleased with himself! Dad joking pro in the making

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Msillegallee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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Genes

About two years ago, my sister got married. After the wedding the photographer said she wanted pictures of my grandfather and sister.

As she was setting up my dad goes to the photographer and says, "guess my fathers age," to which she replies, "hmm..60?" My dad says "70, would you believe it?"

The photographer gasps and says "wow! 70? Those are some great genes you have." In which my father says, "huh? Genes? I'm wearing dress pants, it's a wedding," rolls his eyes, and walks off.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Startingariot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night

When behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

Clapity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him

A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Energylegs23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
It was a dark and foggy night

A man is walking home alone one foggy evening, when behind him he faintly hears:

thump...

thump...

thump...

Senses tingling, he begins walking faster only to look back and make out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER

FASTER

THUMP...

THUMP...

THUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, slams it shut and locks it behind him.

However, the casket crashes through the door, and with the lid of the casket clacking on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Clappity-THUMP...

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH! the casket breaks down the door. Thumping and clapping towards him, the man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws it at the casket and...

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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