"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
but I got laid off, even though the work was picking up.
A full plaguethrough
Emptree space
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
Dad: Where was Tonto heading with all the black garbage bags? Me: Where? Dad: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump!
I had to get a running start but I made it.
Life before that is a blur.
The psychiatrist says,"I can clearly see your nuts."
I'm gonna put on my glasses
What a shit take.
A rising Tide lifts all boats
That’s the place where the sons raise meat.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
"Clearly; I can see you're nuts."
She gave me a mop.
It must have been the delivery...
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a lot.”
And another:
Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain."
The widow replies: “Thanks that means a great deal.”
Girl: I like this place. How would you rate the vibe here?
*Guy starts leaving*
Girl: What happened?
Guy: You made it clear that you don't need a guy. You need just a vibe-rater.
“Ya, I’m positive.”
Trans-parent
"Your honor, my client is CLEARLY not a flight risk."
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never understood why. Son: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein Me: That son of a bitch!
And yes, just to be clear: not original, saw it on discord, checked this sub, 6 months since last time this joke was posted here.
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
So there was a man and woman at a bar. The man says "I bet you 5 bucks this magic water will make me fly!" the woman clearly didn't believe him so she accepted the bet. Sure enough the man jumps off the roof and flies for a bit until he gently goes back to the ground. The girl was amazed! She said "You should market this stuff." "You could make millions!" Still in shock she asks for a drink. She takes a swig and a small crowd forms because this girl is about to jump off of a building. She jumps off and falls onto the pavement. The guy is laughing his head off. Suddenly someone shouts from the crowd "You're a mean drunk superman!"
Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
I would steer clear.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
I had to get a running start, but I managed it.
Doc said, "I can clearly see you're/your nuts."
I'm going to put my glasses on
I'm going to put my glasses on.
I needed a running start, but I did it.
1080p
I’m going to put my glasses on
