Chicken mull Puns

Section One: Assets and Debt

· Retirement Balance: $58,163, split between a 401k and a Roth IRA. I started contributing to a Roth IRA in college using excess savings and money from odd jobs and summer internships. I started maxing out my 401k last year after not doing it the first year since I was mistakenly under the impression that you should only contribute what your company could match.

· Equity: N/A, I rent.

· Savings account balance: $29,640, all in a high yield savings account. I lived with my parents for more than a year after I started working full time during the pandemic and was able to save most of my paycheck given that I also wasn’t leaving the house.

· Checking account balance: $312, I reload my checking when I have bills to pay.

· Credit card debt: $0, I pay my cards off in full every month.

· Student loan debt: $0, I very fortunately received a full ride for tuition. My parents paid for housing and I worked part time in college and completed internships during summers which covered day to day living expenses.

· Other investments: $75,882, in a taxable brokerage invested in ETFs. Most of it is in VTI or IVV where I intend hold them for at least a few years, but I do semi actively invest and trade in a few other ETFs. Due to my job, I’m restricted in what I can invest in and how often I can trade.

· Crypto: ~$2500 but the value of this in dollars fluctuates drastically and I tend to treat this as something that I would be ok with going to $0 if worst comes to worst.

Section Two: Income

Income Progression:

Years of experience: 1-2 years full time

Salary:

My first proper job was as a cashier while I was in high school and I was paid $8.38/hr. After entering college, I had some odd jobs for a bit that paid $15/hr and had some well-paying internships during the summer ($5000/month and another one was $38/hr) where one also continued to be a part time internship during the school year.

After graduating college, I have been at the same company and in the same job. When I started working full time I was paid on a prorated basis $85k + 10k bonus. This past year I was paid $90k base + 45k bonus, supposedly on good performance.

At the start of this year my base salary rose to $110k and I will be paid a variable bonus at the end of this year. I tend to think of my base salary as the only pay I will receive since it’s really impossible to forecast what my bonus will be in advance other than that it will hopefully be a no

Every year I do Friendsgiving, where instead of a formal gathering where we all show up and eat at the same time, I get up in the morning and cook whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it, unlock my door, and my friends come and go and eat as they please. It is my FAVORITE day of the year.

The first year I did it, I decided to make a pumpkin roll. I did all this prep and a bunch of people came over only to discover my oven went out.

Y’all I had to do something with this pumpkin roll mix, so I made pumpkin roll pancakes. They were a hit. Now they are a staple—if I don’t make them, people get sad! I followed the Libby’s recipe on the can (it is also on the website), served the filling as a side, and they took longer to cook than regular pancakes but I can’t recommend them enough.

Also due to my oven going out, I had to butcher the turkey to cook it on the stove. I have never gone back. Sucks to the roast turkey. Fry it up, babies!!

This year I am trying a gin berry pie. It could be amazing. It could be the worst thing ever created.

What do you guys do?

Edit: the pie was gross to me but everyone else seemed okay with it and a couple people thought it was really good, so good for them! Haha! It was super tart and I don’t like tart things, so I won’t be making it ever again, but it was fun to try!

This live is definitely contextual so let me preface it by saying that much of this revolves around Chantal being made aware of the Discord server which you can access here: https://discord.gg/n7WAhu2j

In this live, Nader seems annoyed with her so slight TW of verbal abuse, and Chantal is unusually passive--seemingly because she's either scared of another argument livestream which she knows she'll end up walking back on and of her growing VIB tension.

The stream begins with Chantal in Nader's kitchen, ready to eat as he cooks in the background. Again, quotes from the chat are Italicized and direct quotes will be introduced by the person speaking In Bold. Grab your popcorn. I'm going to condense this as much as possible because it is, after all, 3 hours of Chantal mostly just being irritating.

• Chantal asks Nader if they should eat 8 mozzarella sticks (to split), Nader sarcastically asks if the 8 are just for her and then scolds her that 4 sticks is enough cheese for her. She gives him a silly, nervous look and then reads off names in the chat.
• Chantal shows off the beers they'll be drinking. She's having a tall can.
• Chantal says it's "sad it turned out to be that way" about Karate Joe because he was "always in [her] chat"
• A beezer jokes about Chantal crushing chickpeas with her feet. Nader tells her to respect the food.
• Nader complains about Chantal not ever helping him cook, just sitting around and eating.
• a beezer asks Nader to do a Vegan recipe, he suggests a vegetarian recipe and Chantal mentions it has cheese but isn't good without cheese. Nader argues that's true for her, but for the vibeezer it's good. Chantal makes a stupid face at the camera.
• Someone calls Nader. He blocks them angrily. Chantal makes another silly face at camera.
• Chantal begins to look visibly worried. Someone in the chat asks Chantal to join the discord. Chantal: "you guys don't need me there.....
• Chantal begins arguing w a VIBeezer suggesting the memberships are a scam and people will cancel for the discord chat. Chantal: "if that happens, that happens then.... I dunno maybe I'll go back to open chats then.... and do recorded videos? I don't know"
• Chantal: "yeah, I care but im not really doing that on purpose to make that happen so idk what to say.... people threaten to do things if they don't like what I'm doing but we've been that way.... if u don't want to hang then don't I don't know...

My bf(21) was having a group of friends (all vaccinated) over this evening for Dnd and we thought it would be fun to make mulled wine to go along with the dinner that someone else was bringing for the group. It was a pretty standard recipe for mulled wine: cinnamon, juice, cloves, etc. I was working all day, so he was tasked with doing the grocery shopping and preparing for the drink.

Instead of buying cloves. He read the ingredients and 1) thought that ‘cloves’ meant ‘garlic cloves’ and 2) thought that a ‘clove’ of garlic was an ENTIRE BULB. Thankfully, he didn’t start making the mulled wine until some of his friends had already arrived and one of them asked him wtf he thought he was doing trying to add 16 bulbs of garlic to a double batch of mulled wine. He ended up making the drink without any cloves because we obviously didn’t have any, so it still turned out ok. But now we have to figure out what to do with a whole bag of garlic bulbs.

TL;DR bf almost served garlic wine to our guests, now we just have a lot of garlic.

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Maybe just looking for perspectives from people who experience this as well. I've been depressed most of my life (in and out of a depressed mood with varying severity) along with anxiety. My therapist, when I prodded her for a diagnosis, gave me trauma related depression and anxiety. I no longer feel a deep need for a particular diagnosis to feel validated in my mental health struggles, but I think a lot about how my experience of depression compares to other people I know. I feel like it's defining feature is that I am always melancholic and miserable. Often I have no desire to do things, but its partially related to my beliefs that I can't do anything. Re the depression, I also dont get vegetative symptoms others seem to get. The more I think about it, it seems like all my symptoms are related to the way I think about myself and what I can do and what others think of me than it is anything else bc of how often those thoughts interfere with my life. I struggle with feeling worthless, incapable, and incompetent. Those core beliefs control my behavior in many ways. I don't try to unpack this on my own bc it sends me in a circular spiral: do I have negative core beliefs bc of years of depression or am I depressed because of my negayive core beliefs? They started up after the trauma but half of my NCB are attributed to how much I struggled and felt like a failure BC of my symptoms after that. Chicken and egg. I dont know that I'll ever have answers, though I have a feeling that if I ever went on SSRI's, they wouldn't help. I rrally think I am depressed bc of the way I think about myself. Idk if that makes sense??? Is that obvious???

Not really looking fot an answer I guess. Just mulling this over a lot and hoping to hear from others who have similar questions.

The doctor says it terminal.

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

In case you ever see this.

I love you and I miss you. It's winter where I live and the starlings chirp, and I swear they miss you too. It's warmer where you are. Some days without you it's bad. Really bad. Others feel survivable. None of them are really good.

But I remember all the good we had more than the bad. And we had a lot more good than bad, I think. Maybe I'm just stupidly optimistic, but I try to focus on the best. But I always did. Remember when we'd fight, and you'd say "I love you"? Fight over. My heart always yearned to go back to peace and love with you and needed nothing more than a path. This is why, when we were physically together, and we fought I'd give you sweetness. Stroked cheeks, apples from the tree, inviting you under the covers upstairs, and so on. Not to suck up, but to bring us back to love and away from pain. Your life had enough pain. So did mine. All the sweetness you needed was there; you only needed to trust it and accept it.

Strawberries and sugar. Chocolate kisses. Deep tubs. Breakfast in bed. Lightning fast angel hair pasta. Mini falafel hush puppies. Sea ghosts. Hiding from a hurricane. Giggling as we sought out stocking stuffers. Mulled wine and melted strawberry chocolate. Leg pretzels. Your throne. Prayers under the moon. Sea shrines and hag stone hunting. Cemeteries and cathedrals. Stephen King roads to a stunning church. Caves, grottes. Conspiring with monks to sneakily purchase statues. Lava cakes. Converting you to the cult of peanut butter and salted caramel. Waiting for the mead buzz to die down before going to the cathedral. Fried chicken buckets of popcorn. Cinnamon coffee. Thunder hole. Sugar kettle.

These and so many more are the things that I remember. You know them all and many more. But above all, the warmth of your hand in mine, and our lips pressed together.

Today was a bad day. A hard one. But I looked at a picture of us together and softened, and wondered if you miss me too. I don't know. But I hope when you remember me it's fondly. I didn't want to leave, but I knew we both had to rebalance. I found my way back to the white snake nature, only occasionally rocked by memories of hurt as I seek out gashes in my soul and seal them.

I post here because no one knows who we are. No one can change their opinions of us or judge us. I can vent and rant and then soften and write lovingly but keep your name safe, and mine too. I can try and bleed out the pain of missing you, and try to close the hole

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

He lost May

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Gather round, fam; story time.

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Got shit done. I don't know why, but I felt the same strange motivation I did on Saturday to delay drinking. Even though I was on edge all day, expecting homeboy (or CAEG) to return, I was able to keep pushing back booze o'clock later and later. I managed to get every single last empty out of the house, including the glass bottles of Kahlua, tequila, and vodka she'd bought. I was going to make myself a nice hearty brunch; smoked sausage, sauerkraut, eggs and toast. But the eggs had gone off. A carton and a half. I couldn't even remember when I'd bought them. August, maybe? The fridge was full of long-expired food, most of which I managed to clear out. There was an untouched bag of celery which, again, I don't remember when exactly I bought it, that squirted foul-smelling green jizz on me when I lifted it out of the fridge. I doused the leavings on the floor with bleach and the house stank of cum bleach all day.

I knew I was going to get washing done that day. I had to. Every item of clothing I could wear for work reeked of crusty balls, alco sweat, and asspiss. But I kept putting it off. Something in me said to hold off until 2. I wanted to wait until the time had come and gone when homeboy came here yesterday. I knew he wasn't going to show up at exactly the same time he did the day before, like some oddly punctual burglar; maybe something in me just wanted to prove today would be different from yesterday. 2 o'clock came and went, but still I delayed. The afternoon sun was wonderful, and I was enjoying sitting on the porch, smoking cigarettes while Jonesy played around. Next door neighbor was (is) still MIA. When I heard his door open I was expecting an awkward conversation about the police being here yesterday, but it was his female friend, I guess taking care of his dog for him. His dog, some kind of terrier mix, runs up on the porch, he's a friendly pooch. He sees Jonesy lurking in the doorway and goes up to say hi. To my amazement Jonesy stands his ground and hisses at the dog. He's an incredible wimp and I would have expected him to run away, but CAEG had said the guy who gave him to us had dogs, so I guess he's used to them. Next door neighbor's lady friend is oblivious, she sounds like she's on something, talking to herself or on the phone. I shut the front door in case the dog tries to go into my place and Jonesy throws down.

As the sun starts to set I decide homeboy isn't

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

Put it on my bill