[REQUEST] I'll get straight to the point, I need a knife pun

As the title says, I need a pun that involves two unlikely friends. Knives and Charity/donations.

Any help would be appreciated!

Knife to be here in this community

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliverpls599
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...

The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 26
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Knife knowing you
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krazybeast
πŸ“…︎ May 09
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Me: Did you hear the actress from legally blonde stabbed her husband with a knife?

Friend: Do you mean Reese Witherspoon?

Me: No, with her knife!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matwantstoknow11
πŸ“…︎ May 12
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A butterfly knife.......
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarbonDioxideboy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
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What's a knife smith's favorite beverage?

Tang

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.

I thought it was pretty cleaver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vin135mm
πŸ“…︎ May 13
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What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?

One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once

A four loaf cleaver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_nobody_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
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What do you call a retired actor’s knife?

An X-Actor knife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vishnj
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
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Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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Gamer knife fights.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bev_err
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
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There's no justification for holding a knife while flirting

Not even if it's a boning knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedArmyBushMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Not a Dad, but my Dad made this joke. "What do you call Jack the Ripper with a butter knife?"

A dull evening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J-Ray15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Knife to meet you.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Lost my bread knife the other day..

I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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What do you call a joy con knife? a SWITCHBLADE

this plays off another, funnier post but i couldn't find it again

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carlos_E_idiot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Why should you never argue with a knife?

Because it will always have a point

PS, this was inspired from a comment I saw on an instagram post, and also I apologize if this joke has already been posted as I did not take the time to check if it has been.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightmareCliff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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This Halloween, I decided to go as a gigantic butter knife.

I was a super spreader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I made a joke about a butcher’s knife but nobody laughed.

It was not very cleaver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Hitchcock, Spielberg, Nolan and Scorsese get into a knife fight

It is the directorβ€˜s cut

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeje17j
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I met my wife when we were both stabbed by the same knife

It was a pairing knife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtTheKevIn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..

But it just wont cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saosin713
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Why do they call it a paring knife?

Because it cuts things into two, so now you have a pair.

My 15-year-old had to think about this for a minute... Then he goes "Wait, doesn't every knife do that?" Congratulations, son, that's called critical thinking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EwoksMakeMeHard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak

it wasn't really sharp of him

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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I carry dietary fiber with me instead of a knife when I leave the house...

I can’t tell you how many times it’s saved my ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosnianbeast123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Have a knife day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallySiddh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Should I keep this knife, or is it pointless? imgur.com/QtutVym
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dwigtus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unique1067
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.

Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodscare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Helpful tip for a knife fight
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferrybig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it

I told her it’s so he can cut corners

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CpnCodpiece
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Sharpening the dadjoke knife here lately...

My 4y/o is watching a cartoon whereby there are some asteroids and meteors & says, β€œOh my goodness gracious! Daddy! A meteor shower!!”

To which I responded, β€œMeatier than what? Campbell’s Chunky Soup?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandastrong35
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Why did the butter knife put on a bow tie?

Because he wanted to look sharp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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What happened to the dull knife's application

It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pulsar0516
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Heat yeet knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oracle_3605
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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