Knife Jokes Puns

A dull evening.

It was not very cleaver.

I've got to admit, it is a little dull.

No shit Sherlock?

And he said “food usually”.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Kids: Witherspoon? Me: No, with a knife.

I'd hate to be that guy.

He's a knife guy

Wife notices graffiti on the side of the road with the word HISTORY. Her: "That is the second time I have seen someone graffiti that word." Me: "History repeats itself."

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke?” Me “ah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad “did you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

I greeted him with "knife to meet you, looking sharp today!"

He told me that the joke didn't cut it ☹️

Today at the local toys'r'us with my SO and the kids. We approach two teenagers restocking the shelves from a pallet full of cardboard boxes. I hear one of them ask the other if she has seen the knife. The other says no, an I notice they're searching for it. As we pass i ask if "they're looking for one of them retractable knifes?"

Her: "Yes"

Me: "I think i saw a kid running around with it over there" *points with thumb over my shoulder

Her:...-...! *face turns white

My SO: I'm sorry he's joking. Arrrg! 2rgeir can't I take you anywhere?

Me: *snickering

a hunter stabbed a gator behind his head with a knife. my dad said, "you know what they call that? a pith. and if he does it wrong, he'll really pith that gator off."

completely straight-faced, didn't even chuckle at his own joke. maybe one day I'll be that much of a natural.