Whatβs the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?
One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.
"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Not a Dad, but my Dad made this joke. "What do you call Jack the Ripper with a butter knife?"
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I met my wife when we were both stabbed by the same knife
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︎ Oct 21 2020
[REQUEST] I'll get straight to the point, I need a knife pun
As the title says, I need a pun that involves two unlikely friends. Knives and Charity/donations.
Any help would be appreciated!
Knife to be here in this community
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︎ May 19 2020
I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done
None of the other surgeons seem to do it !
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︎ Aug 11 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
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︎ Sep 05 2020
I carry dietary fiber with me instead of a knife when I leave the house...
I canβt tell you how many times itβs saved my ass.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help wouldβve been grater.
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︎ May 05 2020
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
Sharpening the dadjoke knife here lately...
My 4y/o is watching a cartoon whereby there are some asteroids and meteors & says, βOh my goodness gracious! Daddy! A meteor shower!!β
To which I responded, βMeatier than what? Campbellβs Chunky Soup?β
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︎ Jun 11 2020
Why did the butter knife put on a bow tie?
Because he wanted to look sharp.
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︎ Apr 23 2020
What happened to the dull knife's application
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Did you ever hear about the Samurai with only a 6 inch sheathe knife who was still an effective and deadly killer?
He was a one-hilt wonder.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
What did the knife say to the tuxedo?
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︎ Jan 21 2020
What do you call a knife that joins the track team?
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︎ Jan 25 2020
A Day In The Knife
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︎ Jun 25 2019
Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed βOuch, what are you doing!!β
He says, βIβm applying the turn-a-cut!β
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︎ Oct 29 2019
I saw a footage a person stabbing someone in the chest with a hot knife
It was really heartwarming
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︎ Nov 11 2019
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
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︎ Nov 25 2018
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife
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︎ Nov 25 2018
Have you heard that joke about the knife?
I've got to admit, it is a little dull.
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︎ Jun 11 2018
What did the knife robber say to the spoon
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︎ Jan 29 2019
An inventor shows his friend the first knife everβ¦
His friend says, βWow! Thatβs the best thing since bread.β
The inventor says, βWell, Iβm about to blow your mind.β
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︎ Jul 16 2017
Whenever the server asks my Grandpa how he wants his steak done, he holds his fork and knife up and says "just walk the cow on by!"
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︎ Jul 30 2019
My knifes didn't get on the team for the Olympics.
I guess they just didn't make the cut.
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︎ Jan 26 2019
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
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︎ Mar 01 2019
Did you hear about the lady who stopped a knife fight using cake batter?
She bravely took a whisk.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
As much as I tried, the knife would not cut through the wood.
I should have known it just wouldn't cut it.
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︎ Mar 09 2019
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife
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︎ Feb 07 2018
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammoβ¦
All the other paintball players started freaking out thoughβ¦
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︎ Jan 20 2019
Did you hear about the punk rock knife
It's really edgy...
But only to a point...
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︎ Aug 23 2018
My dad accidentally left a knife in the fridge...
Mom found it and she yelled from the kitchen: "Why is there a knife in the fridge?"
My dad, without missing a beat, replied: "Because revenge is a dish best served cold!"
God damn, dad.
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︎ May 26 2015
What did the knife say to the other knife on prom night?
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︎ Dec 27 2018
What does King Arthur call the knife he uses to cut his omelettes?
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︎ Jul 06 2018
For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.
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︎ Sep 28 2018
Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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︎ May 04 2017
Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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︎ Aug 08 2017
Conniving. The act of not knowing how to pronounce the word "knife."
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︎ Jun 15 2017
My mom asked the server for a sharper knife
Holding up the butter knife and saying βThis just wonβt cut it.β
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︎ Jan 11 2018
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...
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︎ Apr 16 2019
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