What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?

One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?

It's cutting-edge technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Not a Dad, but my Dad made this joke. "What do you call Jack the Ripper with a butter knife?"

A dull evening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J-Ray15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Lost my bread knife the other day..

I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I met my wife when we were both stabbed by the same knife

It was a pairing knife

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AtTheKevIn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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[REQUEST] I'll get straight to the point, I need a knife pun

As the title says, I need a pun that involves two unlikely friends. Knives and Charity/donations.

Any help would be appreciated!

Knife to be here in this community

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliverpls599
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I carry dietary fiber with me instead of a knife when I leave the house...

I can’t tell you how many times it’s saved my ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosnianbeast123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unique1067
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say

At least the both have something "in" common.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoiSINNEDsoul73
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Sharpening the dadjoke knife here lately...

My 4y/o is watching a cartoon whereby there are some asteroids and meteors & says, β€œOh my goodness gracious! Daddy! A meteor shower!!”

To which I responded, β€œMeatier than what? Campbell’s Chunky Soup?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandastrong35
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Why did the butter knife put on a bow tie?

Because he wanted to look sharp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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What happened to the dull knife's application

It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pulsar0516
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Did you ever hear about the Samurai with only a 6 inch sheathe knife who was still an effective and deadly killer?

He was a one-hilt wonder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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What did the knife say to the tuxedo?

Lookin sharp

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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What do you call a knife that joins the track team?

Blade Runner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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A Day In The Knife
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Last Thanksgiving I cut myself with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law walks up and grabs the bloody cut and starts twisting it. I screamed β€œOuch, what are you doing!!”

He says, β€œI’m applying the turn-a-cut!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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I saw a footage a person stabbing someone in the chest with a hot knife

It was really heartwarming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aslah_Faizi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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Have you heard that joke about the knife?

I've got to admit, it is a little dull.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LungBubbles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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What did the knife robber say to the spoon

Fork over the cash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mundo_Official
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever…

His friend says, β€œWow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, β€œWell, I’m about to blow your mind.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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Whenever the server asks my Grandpa how he wants his steak done, he holds his fork and knife up and says "just walk the cow on by!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AverageHeathen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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My knifes didn't get on the team for the Olympics.

I guess they just didn't make the cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bkk443
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
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why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?

Invitation said to look sharp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Did you hear about the lady who stopped a knife fight using cake batter?

She bravely took a whisk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrwnLightning
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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As much as I tried, the knife would not cut through the wood.

I should have known it just wouldn't cut it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife

It was pointless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thomo_29
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2018
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In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo…

All the other paintball players started freaking out though…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Did you hear about the punk rock knife

It's really edgy... But only to a point...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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My dad accidentally left a knife in the fridge...

Mom found it and she yelled from the kitchen: "Why is there a knife in the fridge?"

My dad, without missing a beat, replied: "Because revenge is a dish best served cold!"

God damn, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthmase
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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What did the knife say to the other knife on prom night?

You're looking sharp!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Racing_Wombat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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What does King Arthur call the knife he uses to cut his omelettes?

Eggxcalibur

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jokerspoon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.

I scored full Marks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuasarSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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Conniving. The act of not knowing how to pronounce the word "knife."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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My mom asked the server for a sharper knife

Holding up the butter knife and saying β€œThis just won’t cut it.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuuanAnfor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? DAD: No, it was with a knife...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanka007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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