making a blade is really hard...

It's sword of complicated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/your_dog_is_gay_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?

I guess we'll just have to make dew.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aserthreto
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?

Well, I guess we’ll just have to make dew!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Blade repost
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drunkyjimmybob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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My construction foreman asked me if I knew who made accurate crosscuts in a workpiece by pulling a mounted circular blade down onto a board in a quick motion...

I told him I miter saw who it was...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Switch blade
πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spiiderman45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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They invented a new type of blade

The technology behind it is cutting edge.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torpedobob557
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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It’s a β€œswitch” blade
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwelveDex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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What fatal mistake did the blade of grass make after being fertilized?

It shouted, β€œI want mower!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waddupmanitsjohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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How does one grass blade greet another grass blade?

Water you dewing?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lan_chop
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Did you hear about the blade that smoked weed?

He is a buzzed saw.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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A man walks into a bar with a blade sticking out his eye

The bartender says "you're looking sharp"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJawsDog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Do not use blade to open
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Killloneliness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
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My daughter decided to make a wiper blade
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2017
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Disposable Blades

Rachel 2.0 from Blade Runner 2049 was discarded the moment she became too dull

Disposable Blade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReasonBear
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

She chortled, "Nice try, buddy! The lawnmower's in the garage!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
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What do you call a snowman on roller blades?

A snow mobile

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zugzub
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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Ambushed
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Have you heard of Occam's razor?

It's a single blade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blepharon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Why do piano players wear glasses?

Cause they can't c#.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inditorias
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?

A bae-blade.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquigglesMcJiggly
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Grom r/memes
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trisspele
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI β€˜s head.

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 30k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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I'll just leave this here
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsterbbar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Switchblade
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadian_bacon_ay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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What do you call a spinning top that you love a lot?

Your bae-blade

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spingebill678
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Gotta switch it up sometimes.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orbspike
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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couldn't find a knife.....
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCommonersLife
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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What do you call a knife that joins the track team?

Blade Runner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theinfinitejaguar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Who says a little conflict is bad?

Tension is what keeps my shoulder blades together!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweetinasense
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Say β€œRise up lights” out loud.

Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G-Note
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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fan

Don't like small rotating blades.

Not a big fan

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prestigious_Flow
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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"I've heard puns you people wouldn't believe ..."

  β€” Blade Punner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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The Sound of Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemofish3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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When your dad misses no opportunity for a joke

So, my dad could be considered a regular jokester. He had his dad jokes, his dirty jokes, clean but provocative joke, setup jokes, everything. He never missed a chance to turn something into a joke for hinself, even, and perpahs especially, if it only amused himself. I found out at an young age that no situation is too serious for him.

I was around 9 years old and I was in the cub scouts, and it was box car derby season. I was in the dining room, carving away at my block of wood when the blade in my right hand skipped the wood and carved my left thumb. It fucking hurt and bled like a sonofabitch. I immediately starting screaming and my dad raced into the room and found me covered in blood, my left hand now with two thumbs. We get it wrapped and he drives me to the emergency room. By the time we got there the bleeding had stopped and I have stopped crying. As we pull up, my dad looks st me, shakes his head and says "We can't go in there like this, we'll end up waiting forever to see a doctor. You need to cry once we're in there and that'll help" I said ok, and he said as we were walking up, "I'll give you a signal to start crying." How will i know, i asked him snd he just said i'll know. We go inside and walk up to the admittance desk. I'm short, so at the time my head just cleared the desk. My dad tells the nurse that we have a cut, and need to see a doctor right away. The nurse pushes paperwork at him and he tells her again, this time that its a real bad cut. The nurse finally looks at me for the first time and she frowns, because im relatively normal looking, even though im hurting and nervous, waiting for my dads signal. My dad pulls me back a bit and her eyes widen really big when she sees all the dried blood caked on the lower left side of my body. She starts getting excited and says "Ohmygoshohmygosh" over and over and this point im starting to get scared when my Dad, in a serious voice says "Its even worse than it looks! You're going to have to take the whole hand!"

Then I start crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBossOfWhat
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2017
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The electrician doing some work in my house today is definitely a dad.

An electrician I hired to do some work in my house today has been tasked to install a combination heat lamp / exhaust fan unit in my bathroom. After installing it though, we found out the fan has a defect and its blades are slightly clipping the cowl.

Me: "Well, that sucks."

Him: "That's what it's supposed to do."

I walked right into that one.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acherion
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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Car Shop joke

So we walk into a car shop to get some wiper blades and go up to the cashier's desk to ask for help. The cashier asks as a joke whether dad broke his computer (I guess it wasn't working? ). Dad responds "I've been told I have a magnetic personality". Brilliant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Technoverlord
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Semi-cruel Dad Joke

My Dad and I were working on outing up a fence together in the backyard, and he was changing the blade on a electric saw he had. He called me over so I can learn how to change the blade (so later in life I can be a proper handyman and all that jazz), except the electric saw he was using was extremely old and very outdated. So I told him, "Dad I really don't think I need to learn that as I doubt I will ever use that." To which he replied, "I thought the same thing when I was your age, then they took all my slaves away."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_one_guy-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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So me and my pops were installing a fan today

And my father said "Alright, I need you to put the rubber gromits into the holes in the blades."

And I replied "Are there rubber Wallaces as well?"

Dad smirked and said "Maybe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptMcButternut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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My Dad's go-to story joke

So my dad pretty much lays this one on every friend of mine he ever meets.

There once was this man named Benny, who had the strongest desire to live forever. The devil knew these desires, and arose out of the dephts to make a deal with Benny.

The deal stated that, in exchange for Benny's soul, he would be gifted with immortality. The only condition was that Benny could not shave any part of his body, ever, or he would be instantly transformed into an urn.

Benny went on with his now unending life and found himself falling in love with a girl shortly after accepting this deal with the devil. The girl however. Would not love him back because of his ridiculously long hair covering his entire body. It was said that the hair from his knuckles would sweep the floor when he walked into the room, and he would constantly trip himself on his beard.

The girl eventually died and Benny fell into a deep depression. He decided it would be best to end his misery by going to a barbershop, and getting a shave. He sat in the barber's seat, and as soon as the blade reached his skin, he was transformed, and all that remained in the seat was a large, metal urn.

The moral of the story... A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRagingKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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Ah, mum. A goldmine of dadjokes

when I was visiting my mum I hadn't showered for a few days, She said to me 'Blade, I can't have a dirty son.' Me: 'Then would you rather have a dirty moon?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blade4004
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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