It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
A screenshaver.
Apparently I can't pull off facial hair
Because they are best for shaving their Pew-Bic Hair..
Michael Stublè
It was a close shave with death
I said, "Mine's Phillips."
He said, "You ought to give it back to him."
I could tell by just looking at him that it was a bald-faced lie.
my old one just isn’t cutting it anymore.
It's his shavings account.
They provide the cutting edge technology
So after half an hour of trying to shave with an old razor, I walk out of the bathroom and say to my boyfriend "Honey, remind me to get a new razor, this one's blunt." and he replies "Well, I don't think one that beats around the bush would be much use either."
Groans ensued.
You couldn't make it up.
they're really cutthroat.
Because he was the razor of the dead
She didn’t razor right.
I think your supposed to use a razor.
With his razor of course...
Is basically just cabbage.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
I cut myself shaving
With occam's razor!
My son successfully took a bite by himself and I said, "Good forking job!" My wife groaned.
I saw that my husband had gotten a cut while shaving, and I asked what happened. He explained, "I got a new razor and flew too close to the sun."
My reply: "So you got a nick-arus?"
He was upset.
While petting my cat, she placed her paw over my arm, threatening to unsheathe the razor-sharp claws into my forearm. I turn to my dad. "Dad, she's holding me hostage with her paw." "Looks like she has paw-wer over you." Groans insue. Cat leaves.
A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.
I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.
Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"
At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"
Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"
Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"
Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"
Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"
Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"
At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"
The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.
TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.
I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!
My girlfriend had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday, and last night she accidentally woke me up as she was reaching to take another Vicodin, since the pain in her jaw had woken her up. We were both in a daze, still half asleep.
- Me: What time is it...?
- Her: Ummmm... 2:30 [AM].
- Me: Oh... ... I guess that makes sense...
- Her: ...What...?
- Me: It's two thirty... tooth... hurty...
- Her: ...go to sleep.
I was impressed my wits were still razor sharp in the wee hours of the morning!
